Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting talk with the IC. She divorced when her kids were grown. She's read the DB books, but still wondered why I haven't filed for D. Especially since I'll likely come out in better shape financially than I am now. She also is pro snooping. She said information is always good to have.

I think I'll try not to snoop to help my detachment.

She also said I'm doing all the right things in terms of getting through the process.

She also tossed out that I should consider moving home at the end of January if I haven't filed. She agreed it was a mistake for me to move out AND to offer such a generous payment while separated.

I'm not going to move home. That can't be undone without ending any chance of R. W is already struggling financially. I'm going to let her drift, drift, drift while I continue to do my own thing.

[ClingingToHope]

Weird, weird, weird feeling today. After the counseling session it was like all hope was drained out of me. I know the theories behind DBing, but I just can't imagine any scenario for us to get back together. Maybe it's the LBS syndrome again.

I've backslid on a couple of things today so I have to remind myself, I need to improve emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially, if not for W then for myself and eventually someone else.

[mishka422]

I've backslid on a couple of things today

What kind of things did you backslide on? It might help if you put them out there and maybe someone can give you advice on how to compartmentalize them and work through the reasons behind the backsliding. I know that always helped me.

[ClingingToHope]

Maybe, but today all I'm thinking about is facing the music. W's feelings for me are finished and even if everything around her crashes down, they aren't coming back.

Why am I holding on so tightly. For every Dia and Sandi there are thousands probably who once they've made up their mind don't change it.

[mishka422]

You are right CTH, there are thousands that don't change their mind, but your W could be the one that does. Try not to be so negative about it. It hasn't been that long really and you have to give this time.

[ClingingToHope]

My counselor gave me a magazine article from a writer out west. Her hubby was going through a MLC and told her he never loved her.

She told him she didn't believe him and said she was going to give him as much space as he needed.

He didn't believe her and spent most of the year staying out late, skipping family functions, etc.

It wasn't until fall that he started doing things around the house and at Thanksgiving he was there and thanked God for his family.

It was a great story, but let's just say I don't think it will be me.

I still haven't really given W a reason to take me back. I still need to improve physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually ... and I'm not sure I can stay on the path.

Isn't letting go the first step to recovery?

[motherof3]

CTH,

Remember it is not about giving W a reason to take you back. It is all about you making these physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual changes for you and you alone. Once you succeed at living life for you then maybe just maybe your W will see the great guy you have become.

And yes, letting go is one of the steps to a better you.

Mo3

[P17]

I still haven't really given W a reason to take me back. I still need to improve physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually ... and I'm not sure I can stay on the path.

CTH, you need to forgive me.

WTF did you just say?

I will quote it again, because was astounded at it:

"I still haven't really given W a reason to take me back."

You need to go back to the starter class. Sorry, but you have failed.

You haven';t detached. Yeah. okay. You haven't impoved on. Yeah, okay. You haven't done anything.

Let#s just do a 180 on that.

"She still hasn't really given me a reason to take her back."

Enough said? Or do I need to say more?

I have already threatened a 2x4, personal visit ...



Isn't letting go the first step to recovery?[/quote]

[mishka422]

None of this is about her 'seeing' what you have changed.....get it?

What she thinks about you, what she does, where she goes.....none of it is important! She is going to do, think, go, and become whatever she wants to. Those are her choices. What you chose to become is your choice.......for you ALONE!

I'm not sure you're getting this buddy.

You aren't DBing to 'show' her anything. If that is your motivation for making changes to yourself then you are destined to fail. Those are fake changes and she will spot that from a mile away. Real, lasting changes that you make for your own self-improvement and wellbeing are the kind of things that she would notice. The important thing about those though is that you wouldn't care if she paid attention to them or not because they made you feel good.

Stop making this about her! Make it about you!

If you aren't able to do that then go file right now and get it over with sooner than later.

[ClingingToHope]

Hmmmm. How to respond? I guess it's the trust issue. Somewhere in our M W stopped trusting me. So when I was talking about not giving her a reason to take me back it was because she still doesn't have reason to trust me.

You guys are right. I still focus too much on her. Usually I have a good day after a bad one so tomorrow I should feel better. I had a very long talk with my sister and feel better, but that's because I logically think things through and this situation defies logic.

One good thing, the girls start their two-week break after tomorrow, which means I won't have to go to the house every day after school.

It's good because the house has memories and tends to drag me down. It's also bad because I'm not going to see them nearly as much, although I may sneak over to eat lunch with them a couple of times.