What I've been trying to say is that if you should change your mindset, stop viewing yourself as a victim and want to begin living with integrity again--if you came to a place where you were ready to offer her the option of EITHER remaining stuck without you OR exploring a mutually satisfying M with you--if you were ready to grow as a sexual AND emotional being, only THEN would PM have something to offer you.
I don't think I view myself as a victim. Now that's not to say I don't have a problem to deal with. There must be room for me to admit to having to deal with a problem without being labeled a victim. I have CHOSEN to remain in this marriage and keep trying. The fact that I haven't succeeded, and that I haven't divorced, doesn't automatically make me a victim.
Though I don't have much experience with a deep sexual connection, I'm aware of what I'm missing. Which is why I'm here in spite of having lots of sex (mostly with myself) that's physically very satisfying. This evening, I read major portions of PM, and there isn't much there that isn't already obvious to me. It's certainly not the first such book I've seen -- I've probably read about 30 books on relationships and sex. It's just that large parts of the book are not applicable to my current situation any more than they'd be applicable to someone who didn't have a partner.
Eyes-open sex, for example. That's nothing new to me... I thought of it myself and experienced that a long time ago, without reading a book. I love the feeling of being exposed and vulnerable, and having that connection at that moment. But the capacity for that enjoyment doesn't help my current situation. And having an orgasm with eyes open is a concept that has no applicability to my wife, who not only has never had an orgasm, but at this point won't even try to have sex, let alone an orgasm.
There's also a section in the book about "Audrey" and "Peter", where Audrey is similar to my wife in not liking sex and coming up with all kinds of reasons for not wanting sex. But as I read their case, it became clear that my wife would never be as open about her sexuality as Audrey, who is portrayed as being held back! Which leaves me feeling that my problem is unusually extreme, and not the garden-variety problem portrayed in many of the anecdotes in the PM book.
I have trouble accepting the simple notion that the only way I can stop being a victim is by giving my wife the option of being left alone. Isn't that really just the old "I'm outa here" option that ignores the reality that I have CHOSEN to stay in this marriage because there are many other people involved? I reject out of hand the simplistic self-serving reasoning that, oh, if we aren't having sex, then we are unhappy, and the kids know it, and it's all dysfunctional and they'll grow up being sexless and dysfunctional too. If that were true, the population would have died out many generations ago. My wife and I have a very good friendship -- we went out to a great candlelight dinner with conversation earlier this week. It's just that we didn't go home and have sex afterwards, and took no rainchecks because why take a raincheck for something that will never happen, etc.
