Haven't been on here in a while but I do think of you all often. My DBing community helped me so much through my x's MLC and thereafter and I really have a place in my heart for you all.
As for me, quite a bit has changed and I wanted to give you all some hope for the holidays.
My ex is finally starting to surface out of MLC. Boy, what a journey for both of us. It's been about five years since it started and four years since he left. There really are phases to this crisis and it has been unbelievable to witness them. But the good news is, I am really starting to seem my ex finally start to surface again. I say this is good because it it is good for the kids but does not mean we are getting back together. But my life has moved forward - in a very positive direction.
Since the big D, I finished a master's degree and have been teaching writing classes at a local college for three years. Been engaged to New Guy for a year and we are working on a date. He is still the most wonderful man I have ever met - I thank God for him each and every day.
Kid are great. S15 and D12 and step daughter to be 10. Couldn't ask for a better family. Kids are thriving and doing better than I had every hoped.
In addition to teaching, I opened up my own transition coaching business six months ago. I have an office in a collaborative office building that is a group of professionals that are trained in collaborative law. I have trained in this specialty as well as mediation training. So far, I have helped about 30 women and a few men through their times of transition - divorces, career change, and other life changes.
Before, during and after my divorce I decided to study why some people made it during tough times and others didn't . I became obsessed in studying those success stories - such as Jack Canfield, Depak Chopra, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins, watched the movie The Secret, read Tuesdays with Morrie, etc. Anyway, I started to take notes and started creating a "greatest hits" for successful strategies on how to move forward during times of change/crisis in your life.
I gathered all my info, put together a website, started blogging, networked my idea to various lawyers and the rest is history. I am now working with a brilliant and very successful female lawyer in New Jersey. I rent space from her office and work directly with her and her clients As a matter of fact, I am now working with businesses going through transition as I can utilize many of the same principles I have used with other clients. In fact, the lawyer I partnered up with to work with her clients has asked me to help her, as well. It has been insane!
So, I wanted to let all those veterans out there that may know my story that I am now working with women that were in my shoes four years ago. I am finally paying it forward and inspiring other to do the same. What an incredible journey.
I promise I will post more. You can follow me on twitter under NJSuccessCoach. Not posting my website but if you want any info, just send me an email to my DB mailbox.
Also, I am in the process of writing a book, too!
Will keep you all posted on future endeavors. But most of all, please know that four years ago I sat on my laptop crying on the keyboard scared to death as to what the future would hold. Little did I know that the future had much in store for me!
wow thanks for posting- I feel the same Life has taken me on this amazing journey I am so glad to know there are phases to the crises Ive seen them in my x to some degree, but he has Not surfaced That is my greatest hope that he will again not for Us but the kids Happy U are doing so well Keep us posted Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Good to hear this sort of success story and I believe I will join you at some point. Can you share some thoughts on what makes one successful during a time of transition?
You certainly lend some thought to the "Get a life" idea. I am moving in that sort of direction myself.
Also, although you sound very happy without X, many people on this board will want to know this: what do you note about your X's behavior that makes you think that he is coming out of the MLC?
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
MTN, I was very happy to come here this morning and see that you've posted an undate. I can still remember when you first came here and what a struggle we all had during that time. Time is truly a healer....look at all that you have accomplished since your first day way back when!
I'm very proud of you! You've come a long way and are now sharing w/others....that's what it is all about.
I'm not surprised that your real xh is starting to surface. It's sad that they lose everything while on this journey. Some day, he will be the one standing there looking in the window at you and your life, as it is today, wishing he had done things differently.
May you and your family have a Merry Christmas and may the New Year be just as promising as the last one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lissie - my Jersey Girl. How are you?? Great to hear from you. Snodderly - my friend. You were the very first one to respond to my posts five years ago. You have no idea how much you held my hand and how much you give back. Thank you so very much.
To the newbies that posted me - THANK YOU! Hang in there. It gets easier. As Snodderly expressed, it was not a cake walk and I had my days. It takes determination to move forward and I still work on it each and every day.
Forward - you asked for some tips. The best I can do is to guide you to my blog. If you google divorcesolutionsforyou you will see it. It has is a wordpress blog. If you need the direct link, I will send it to you. I don't think we are allowed to post websites on this board.
My advice to you would be to make a happy list. That is what I tell my clients when they first come to see me. Most of the time, they have no freakin' idea as to what makes them happy since there life is such a mess.
To get the ball rolling, we go down memory lane a bit. I have them make a list of things they used to like to do prior to the crisis or even their marriage. Eventually, I start to see smiles and wistful glances as to how life used to be for them. When they start to remember that they used to like to paint, for example, I may suggest then enrolling in an art class again. You get my drift.
As much as MLC is about our crazy soon to be or ex spouses, it really is more about you. It's about how you are going to get through this transition and where you want to go. Most of the time, we live our life in a very reactionary state. Reaction to the craziness around us instead of planning what we want to do. One thing I did even throughout my separation, I had a goal sheet by my bed. I made a list of goals I wanted to accomplish - whether it was getting the house in the settlement or simply cleaning out a closet, I wrote it down. By writing it down and envisioning what you want, creates a better template for achieving it. You can read about all these success principles when you google "laws of attraction." It may sound hokey, but it has alot of logic to it. You are what you think.
I read books like "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield, watched the movie "The Secret", broke open and reread feel good books such as Tuesdays with Morrie and bought new ones like "Randy Pausch's Last Lecture. Basically, I submerged myself in getting down to the root of the matter and building myself up again. I didn't read many "self-help" books but I did want to understand why I married who I married. (a total narcissist) and I did and still go to see a therapist to work on skeletons from my past.
However, I did focus much of my transition on where I want to go from here. I knew I wanted to stay in my home and fought like hell to keep it despite all odds, finish grad school so I could have a more flexible schedule as a teacher so I could be home for my kids and last but not least, I knew I wanted to have a loving relationship. Not crazy, earth-shattering goals, but ones that I meant a lot to me.
Having a list of goals kept my head afloat and a home for my anxiety. When my ex would make my head spin with some crazy antics, I would shift gears and get on track with my goals. (one of blogs is called "Shifting Gears." It takes time to do that and there certainly are stages to this transition process. The key is to be kind to yourself as you go through these stages. They are similar to that of MLC, too, ironically.
To answer your questions as to how I can tell my ex is coming out of MLC - well, he seems more like the man I married. I realize now that his MLC started at least four years prior to when he left so that makes it going on nine years. I know that seems like a looong time to go through MLC but that is how long it took him. He took peeks out of the tunnel here and there over the course of the last 2 years but I think he is done with MLC. His eyes look softer and he looks at me differently. I am grateful that the anger is gone but our foundation was not solid prior to MLC so we never would have made it, though some do.
As a matter of fact, some of you may remember SA3 (SA4). Well, she and her hubby have reconciled after a 7 year separation! She is one of my best friends and we held each other hands through our journeys. Although the end results were different, we are grateful for what we have learned. Her hubby really is a good guy,too, despite all that she went through. I am so proud of her to have watched her grow - she moved on her own, got a great job at a law firm and is doing stuff in the athletic field, as well. She is a go getter that got back on the saddle with or without hubby and went for it. The good news is that her hubby woke up before it was too late.
I will do the best I can to come on the boards to check in on all of you. But please, by all means, email me your questions, go on my blog, there is a link to my website, and use what I learned as guidance for your journey, too.
Have a great day, all. It's a blizzard here in NJ and I have an appt with a Christmas DVD now and cozy seat by the fire.
Just wanted to drop in and say HI MTN. So happy your life is on track and you're living it to your fullest! Best wishes always, and have a wonderful Holiday season.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Myturnnow, you just keep rolling right along! I so wish more people on here would try to follow your example instead of stressing about the XH or STBXH. You are a great example of what can be accomplished by focusing on self!!!
