Pls help--confused and fearful

[Day by Day]

@newmama... my lawyer said that I get more protection filing for D instead of just support. So, now that H is withholding money, I need all the protection I can get. You know, I feel a weight lifted off of me. H is going to haaaaate giving me half of his pension, stocks and retirement fund. The big price for his A.

@P17... you always see the opposite side so well. Oh, yes. I'm much happier having my kids with me on Xmas and they WANT to be with me. Xmas eve I'll have my kids and parents with me and be celebrating with my new friends at candlelight mass and having a wonderful dinner with all of them(a 180). WAH will be with OW and her kids watching them open gifts and their different Xmas traditions probably thinking of our kids. Yeah, he might wonder if what he is doing is right. I will have the better end of the stick!! I'm working on making sure the kids have a good time and fun memories in spite of the sitch. And I'll post it to my FB page too.

I'll have my precious kids to hug and kiss and I hope it eats away at him to not be with them. But... I think the man is lacking a heart or can wall off his emotions so well that it won't even affect him. Must suck to be him.

[Day by Day]

I'm wondering if this is coincidence or not about H's abrupt change to nastiness. H and I were writing politely back and forth about exams and he asked me I was still at the same school. During that last MC session, I mentioned I was changing majors and he had a snarky comment as it figures I would change.

Once I mentioned in the email that I was excited about the new career, he responded that he wasn't paying for it. Then he followed with more about not supporting me anymore and I need to get a job. I'm thinking I was making future plans without him and he didn't like it. D13 also posted on FB that she was having fun making smores in the fireplace and having hot chocolate and decorating the tree with me. Then another nasty email. Coincidence??

[P17]

@P17... you always see the opposite side so well. Oh, yes. I'm much happier having my kids with me on Xmas and they WANT to be with me. Xmas eve I'll have my kids and parents with me and be celebrating with my new friends at candlelight mass and having a wonderful dinner with all of them(a 180).

Guess what is a 180 for me as well. I went to Midnight Mass with W last year and I actually enjoyed it (I am not religious but it was nice). This year me and D (D likes GOD) will be going to it and I am actually really looking forward to it. I live in a small town so we will be walking and having father-D chats .. and as I have said SO many times before you CANNOT buy this stuff!

WAH will be with OW and her kids watching them open gifts and their different Xmas traditions probably thinking of our kids.

I bolded that only because tyou know the anaer. As I said earlier DBD .. who wins?

Yeah, he might wonder if what he is doing is right.[/quote]

Am I allowed to rephrase that:

Yeah, he IS wonderING if what he is doing is right.[/quote]

[quote[
And I'll post it to my FB page too.
[/quote]

Get us all on FB .. my advice is to be friends with cutter and we will all see you ...

I'll have my precious kids to hug and kiss and I hope it eats away at him to not be with them.

Your H doesn't have this ... nuff said .... oh and by the way, however much he pretends it doesn't bother him the more he is ... it's a guy thing ...





But... I think the man is lacking a heart or can wall off his emotions so well that it won't even affect him. Must suck to be him. [/quote]

[newmama]

I'm thinking I was making future plans without him and he didn't like it. D13 also posted on FB that she was having fun making smores in the fireplace and having hot chocolate and decorating the tree with me. Then another nasty email. Coincidence??

Well, correlation does not imply causation BUT it sounds like he could be threatened/jealous of the fact that you and your D13 are happily moving on without him. What a blow to the ego, right? After all, What if you don't miss him? What if you think this D is for the best? What if you discover that he isn't the end all be all and you meet someone else whose company you enjoy? What if he is dumped by OW and you, then where will he go?

Good observation of a possible pattern of behavior, DBD! If he was nasty then, wow, look out for the filing of D but you can totally take him. We know!

[P17]

After all, What if you don't miss him? What if you think this D is for the best? What if you discover that he isn't the end all be all and you meet someone else whose company you enjoy? What if he is dumped by OW and you, then where will he go?

That is it in a nutshell. You've scared him DBD.

Here is an example from my sitch that I've said before.

At our last R talk with W about 2 months or so ago she said to me she'd spoke to D's mum and D's mum had said that I had been 'crying on her shoulder for 6 weeks'. I responded I actually cried on D's mum's shoulder for 20 minutes the day before W left because I found nasty texts between her and her mum. I asked D's mum about this and she swears she didn't say that.

Where am I going with this?

You see we, us LBS's, are supposed to 'cry on her shoulder for 6 weeks'. We're SUPPOSED to fall apart. We're supposed to think our lives are ending. We're supposed to cry, plead, beg and bring cakes to WAS's 'woe is me' party. Because when we do that it gives the WAS an incredible amount of power. When you have the power over somebody else's emotions that gives you two things 1) incredible strength 2) an easy outlet for you to blame shift to release your own sense of guilt. Normal people would not want that kind of power as it puts too much responsibility on us and after all, we are comfortable with who we are. WAS's love it - they get to be in control of our emotions which they then use to make them feel better - blame shift.

What you have just done to H is not show up for his 'woe is me party' and he's standing there, waiting, with the silly hat on. But you did get the invite, didn't you? Maybe it got lost in the post? But what if DBD isn't going to come to the party? That means I have to clean up all this mess myself?

He doesn't have that chapter in his book about DBD not playing his game. He's checked, it's not there.

He's scared now. He WAS in control. He has financial control over you. You called his bluff on that. He's lost that. The only thing left for him to do is to try and blame shift to you for his guilt. And, guess what, you're ignoring him.

He's lost control. You have it now.

He is involved in an A which, by their nature, are ncontrollable as they have no support.

He has no control over anything anymore. And that is a pretty darn scary place to be.

Keep it up DBD. You are doing an excellent job. Your H has completely underestimated you. That is probably the biggest DBing effort you could have done.

Good observation of a possible pattern of behavior, DBD! If he was nasty then, wow, look out for the filing of D but you can totally take him. We know!

Oh, you can take him. You already have him running around like a headless chicken. I think the phrase 'his goose is cooked' springs to mind.

[newmama]

He's lost control. You have it now.

He is involved in an A which, by their nature, are ncontrollable as they have no support.

He has no control over anything anymore. And that is a pretty darn scary place to be.

Keep it up DBD. You are doing an excellent job. Your H has completely underestimated you. That is probably the biggest DBing effort you could have done.

P17 said it perfectly! ROAR woman! Go on with your bad self! LOL

You have become detached enough to watch with amusement (sort of) and confidence as you see what plays out. BRAVE.

[sandi2]

ROAR woman! Go on with your bad self! LOL

Yeah.....(snap three times).....show that attitude, honey!

[Day by Day]

You all are wonderful! Thanks for the support. I'm feeling okay with my decision.

I haven't worked on any of the D paperwork, yet. I'm dreading it. But, I do have to do it.

P, again you see the positive side of the sitch. But, I have my doubts; H is a narcissist. I appreciate hearing a man's point of view though. I really wish he would be feeling all you describe, but he lacks empathy. I know he looooves to be in control, so maybe he is worried about my silence. Headless chicken, don't think so. This guy is a tough nut to crack.

Anyway, not letting it get to me for now. I went to dinner with my friends last night and enjoyed myself. Not one minute sad or crying about my decision. Then today, went to IC and I only cried thinking of our first Xmas as a family without H for the kids' sakes. I hate him for doing this to our kids. They are innocent victims.

And they have to see him tomorrow. He's going to give me the property taxes to pay. Guess he's going to feel like a tough guy sticking me with the over $5k bill and the kids' school tuition bill and no $. Hopefully I'll be feeling all the endorphines from running 23 miles tomorrow and I won't care that he comes over. Off to sleep I go...

[newmama]

Hopefully I'll be feeling all the endorphines from running 23 miles tomorrow and I won't care that he comes over. Off to sleep I go...

Whoa-- GOOD LUCK TOMORROW and congratulations for training for and running the marathon!

Yeah as for Christmas this year, it will be hard but you know kids--you act happy and strong and they will be reassured. The nonreligious part of Christmas is about the kids anyway!

[Day by Day]

Eh, only ran 20 miles instead of the 23. I didn't feel like getting up at 2am to run, got up at 3 instead. Wind chills in the 40s and I didn't get warm the whole time. A friend of mine invited this man to run with us and later I realized he was a man I would run into at Starbucks. He'd pay lots of attention to me and I thought he was creepy. It wasn't a setup though. Just coincidence. I figured out who he was after he dropped off after 10 miles. Funny.

The kids rescheduled with WAH to see him today in the afternoon instead of this morning. They don't want to sleepover at his place either. It's their cousin's bday (H's niece) I haven't bought a gift. It's his turn with them, so his responsibility. The kids so hate this sitch but they are afraid to tell him. I've been telling them that they are free to share their feelings (with me too) even if it is difficult and they shouldn't have fear. I feel I've been giving them a bad example by being afraid of H's reactions. The three of us act in fear of H.

I've got to admit here... I'm hoping for a sign from H that I won't have to file. That he wants to reconcile and has realized what a mistake he's made. <sigh> Rollercoaster again... darn endorphines are betraying me. I'm going to go get a pampering massage and take care of me.

Oh, the friend that I ran with was a WAS and she mentioned she returned after seeing all the 180 changes her H did and she noticed it. Thought I'd share that.

I'm going to plan to be busy tonight and make sure I have fun. I need more healing.