Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

S2,

I know you think I'm harsh with you and maybe I am. I worked in a battered women's shelter too long to hear the same old all over again. Don't be a victim. Just don't be one.

I hope you'll go back and re-read the post I sent you about life on earth for MOST women, (and most people, generally). World wide, you are in the top 3% of wealth and safety merely b/c you were born here and so you have shelter, power, mobility-car, food in the refrigerator AND you have other children and they are all healthy and you have family in your area and some income....

Enough about feeling lonely. Reach out and Join Re-read the posts I and others have taken so much time to post to you, about our own GAL activities and then stop the self pity. It's depressing, needy, and makes you more stuck than you have to be. In fact, you are FREE now yet choosing to stay stuck. You are divorced already. I have NO idea why you are acting as if there's a M to work on. IT's over.

Guess what? That m should be over. It was a bad sitch. Lucky for you, you got a healthy d out of it. Instead of feeling trapped, revel in her life with you and GAL of your own too. ASAP.

Down the road no one knows what the future holds or whether your Xh will change and even if he does, whether you'll be interested. If many many things happen that have not yet occurred b/c he has NOT done them, perhaps you two would have a shot later on. You'd know though. It would NOT be vague and you would NOT need to guess about his motives if he were ready in any way shape or form to do what obviously has to be done...

And you know what you have been doing is not helping you to live as well as you should be by now. Yet you still do it...A long while has passed with no movement- unless you call his wanting to see his d, "movement". I mean yeah it beats no contact. But a "changed man ready to recommit AND be sober"...it is NOT. I'm sorry. I really am. We all love miracles. I submit the ONE SINGLE thing you could do that MIGHT MIGHT Prompt change in him, is to detach. For some reason you and k4 are so afraid that detachment will cost you contact in the short run (likely) that you'll prolong the likely inevitable decline and distancing that is happening and thereby insure neither of you moves on OR gets his WAS back OR learns to be happy on your own. Detachment, GAL, being happy on your own are LINKED to reconciliations. They are not guarantees of a reconciliation nor should they be but you just don't you want to GAL? Don't you want to be happy?

What are you waiting for to know it's final and over? Since you are divorced, what will it take, for Him to remarry? How much of your life will you spend waiting, and for what? Life is way shorter than you realize.

Finally, let me address a religious question that plagues many people. We all pray for God's will (actually many of us pray that our m's will be saved regardless of whether it's God's will)....and we ASSUME God wants ALL M's to be saved too.

That ignores 2 realities. First - the free will of the WAS--who are free to walk away and stay away and may not ever feel guilt or remorse....and 2) it also ignores another reality. Maybe you prayed --and maybe God gave you his answer and the answer was, "no." I absolutely believe that if God wants you two back, it's from you NOT enabling his behavior but for him to hit rock bottom so he can ask God for help.

You are preventing that. Just as k4 keeps his w from feeling the true effects of divorcing him by clinging on to a thread, which feeds the illusion that SHE will "wake up" but really she can cake walk eternally b/c he'll NEVER file or do anything she doesn't want him to do....but she can date and ml to other men etc and your Xh can divorce you, have OW, get drunk AND call you drunk and still count on a chance of a booty call with you....

So maybe God's answer was "no." IF so, (I don't presume but I pose it as a possibility) lean on HIm to help you through that. Maybe your d is the reason you two got together...who knows? Or maybe your other kids will have gained something valuable. But don't stay stuck yearning for what is gone or worse, yearning for a life and marriage that never really was as you now recall...in the first place.Please read that lengthy lengthy post I wrote to you about not wasting time wanting what you can't have, the past....Time waits for no one and there are NO re-runs.

There's a lot of clarity in your sitch that somehow confuses you way more than it should. His texting is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Who the heck cares if he sends you a note to "kiss the baby" b/c he feels affection for her or a synapse fires in his brain or he's horny and it's the only safe way for him to say a semi-loving thing OR he thinks it sounds good OR it means nothing at all or his shirt is blue...to me, it's nothing to consider. I'd turn the phone off if it bothers you and tell him not to text after "x" time and not for anything that isn't an emergency. He does NOT have boundaries with you, b/c you don't. No one here can say the magic phrase or sentence that will change him. All we can do is try to support you in changing your life. But you don't seem to be doing that and so, it's frustrating. More like you are getting used to being semi-miserable and saying "things are better" b/c the pain is more of a dull ache instead of a stabbing burning poke...I get it. But you've just been "here" too long.

Good luck S2, you sound like a good mom. I think someone around here will be able to help you "un-stuck" yourself when you are ready. I hope for your sake, and your children's, that the time for you being ready for happiness comes sooner rather than later. You do deserve it, but maybe you don't believe that at some level. I don't know why you feel that way. Sounds like a question for a t or c. Again, good luck
j-