EVERYTHING I am doing in my own sitch is being documented and when the time comes I'll be able to support my actions for the innocent interactions that they are going to be. Its a major exercise in gas-lighting with good intentions..
I think you really need to think hard about this. There is no such thing as 'gaslighting with good intentions'. Creating a little mystery and Otherness is a positive thing, but deliberately crafting and enacting a complex strategy to mislead a partner about your actions and intentions is nothing less than betrayal.
It demonstrates complete disrespect for their adult ability and responsibility to make decisions based on facts, even if they are making terrible use of that power.
You are interested in female input, chew on this: If my husband took such actions, even if it brought me out of a "fog" and I was grateful for that, I could never trust him again as an intimate partner. Ever. First, it's hard to believe someone's intentions are pure when they have such a vested interest in the situation, and even if I did believe in the purity of his heart, it wouldn't outweigh the negative drag factor of the Machiavelli act so long as he continued to assert that it was justified.
Dissonance theory teaches us that the problem with embarking on a program of deliberate obfuscation and manipulation is that the brain knows there's a problem with it. Sadly, the answer to the conundrum of "I'm a good person" and "I'm doing something really shifty" is to justify, justify, justify. Even more sadly, this justification often takes the form of demeaning or demonizing the target of said shiftiness. Do you want to go there with your wife?
I know you're not embarking on this lightly, and that you realize there may be undesirable fallout. Guess I'm just giving you a woman's "Ya THINK???" on the undesirable fallout.
My 2 cents.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
