Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

I know now I couldn't make her happy-hell I don't think anything could make my W happy. She even wrote that to me, that I couldn't make her happy, and now that she has started "dating/screwing" this businessman that flies into our city once in a while, she is happy.

The really hard part for me right now, is the detachment. I have read-re-read on detachemnt, but I am struggling with just letting go, and dropping the rope. I hope it comes with more time and effort on my part.

[givingitmyall]

It really was never your job to make her happy.

Yep. The only person responsible for her happiness is....HER. Just like YOU are the sole person responsible for your happiness.

This is a key lesson. If this realization is not clear in the relationship, we get into co-dependency issues, which are not good.

Hang in there SD. Understand you will have ups and downs. They do start to even out though.

[SoldierDad]

gima,
well, one of my friends just called, and asked me to go out tonight to watch the football game. I declined at first, but he wouldn't take no so I am going.

I am normally NOT the going out to a bar guy, but this place has food, and is a sports bar, so hopefully it will be fun.

I do need to realize that I can only make ME happy. Looking back, my W was a miserable woman most of our M. She constanltly complained, and just generally made me feel inadequate with her words. I have got to get out behind that rock. I need to start to build my fragile self-seteem back up.

It is going to be difficult as she has completely chopped me off at the knees the last 2 days...

[givingitmyall]

The really hard part for me right now, is the detachment. I have read-re-read on detachemnt, but I am struggling with just letting go, and dropping the rope. I hope it comes with more time and effort on my part.

Two separate and distinct concepts. Detachment is going to the worst case scenario in your mind and realizing you will be ok.

Dropping the rope, on the other hand, is when you have said "I'm done." Not b/c you are angry pi$$ed off or hurt. But b/c you have worked through those issues and have DECIDED through reasoned thought that you do not want this situation anymore. And it is NOT walking away, I don't think. You can remain open to reconciliation, on your terms, while at the same time, march forward on D.

It took me a while to develop detachment and even longer to drop the rope. But I don't have an A (I don't think) in my sitch. That might have sped me up a bit.

[MichelleLT]

I know now I couldn't make her happy-hell I don't think anything could make my W happy.

This is something our society is very bad about teaching...things don't make us happy. Money doesn't make us happy. Presents don't make us happy. Not in any lasting sense.

Happiness comes from inside. From appreciating the little things. From investing time and effort into things that are rewarding. Your W doesn't understand that.

Hang in there. The first few months are the hardest, the detachment gets easier, it all gets easier. The holidays are the worst, especially at first. But you can get through it, and you will.

Sometimes, going out with friends, doing things you wouldn't normally do, are just what the doc ordered. It's good to mix things up a little, try something new. Hope you have fun!

[SoldierDad]

gima,
so what you are saying is, right now, even after all she has said/done, to NOT drop the rope as I am in an emotional hell right now? I dunno.

I can't imagine being with my W again, after all of this. I would ALWAYS have questions, I would always have doubts-is she thinking of him? etc, etc.

I think I will really start to work on the detachemnt part first, and then see where that takes me.

[SoldierDad]

LT, I understand.

I just feel like I have done something WRONG, in not being able to make this work/make her happy/"fix things". I'm not sure why that is, but again, I need to start working on why I feel that way.

[TrentC]

I would ALWAYS have questions, I would always have doubts-is she thinking of him? etc, etc.

You have no control over the latter, but insisting on transparency can help with the former.

[givingitmyall]

gima,
well, one of my friends just called, and asked me to go out tonight to watch the football game. I declined at first, but he wouldn't take no so I am going.

I am normally NOT the going out to a bar guy, but this place has food, and is a sports bar, so hopefully it will be fun.

I do need to realize that I can only make ME happy. Looking back, my W was a miserable woman most of our M. She constanltly complained, and just generally made me feel inadequate with her words. I have got to get out behind that rock. I need to start to build my fragile self-seteem back up.

It is going to be difficult as she has completely chopped me off at the knees the last 2 days...

All of this mess is a tremendous blow to the self esteem. I get that. B/c I lived it too.

DO go with your buddy. Just don't drink and call, got it? Give your buddy your phone if need be.

It was hard for me to go out at first. And the first time or two I did not enjoy it. But then I realized it was ok to go have a good time. And I started liking it again. And the best part was my self confidence and self esteem grew each time I went out. THAT's recovery.

This can be a lengthy process, but you will emerge on the other side a MUCH better person, father and a he11 of a prize for some very lucky lady if you so choose. There IS life out there.

[MichelleLT]

It's hard to break old habits. You have spent years fixing everything for her. Or trying to at least. As you can see, they were merely band-aids, not true fixes. The true fix has to come from her.

You haven't done anything wrong. You are the one who is on this forum agonizing over how to make it work. You are the one who is trying, in a healthy way, to improve yourself and to be a good parent.

But the shocks you have received do horrible things to the self-esteem. It takes time to recover. Be patient with yourself.