Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[givingitmyall]

Ya, I think it will help.
She really wanted to hurt me last night, she said things like sex with me was bad, she's never been happier than she is now, etc. She just really got nasty, and I have to tell you, I was hurting last night. I have a little anxiety right now-not sure why. I feel like I should tell her off or something, but I won't. I just feel disguisted-what DON'T I KNOW??? It's probably best that I don't know anything else, because I already have horrible visions in my head.

You hurt b/c you care about your family and your ego has taken a beating.

Just know the best way to get to her is by being what she isn't - honorable and dignified. Maintain class despite the way she's acting.

As a young L, an older attorney told me a lesson about catching a witness in a lie in front of a jury and the best way to show that. And the snippet was that you want to get in quick, set the dagger (the lie), then get out quickly before you get any sh#t on yourself.

Well, you've set that dagger. Now it's time to get back before you get any of it on you.

[Super Girl]

{{{SD}}}

Take the high road.

[SoldierDad]

Have I said that her lawyer-legal aid lawyer, wasn't too bright?

Also, my W started saying all the things that SHE was taking away from the M, when MY L interrupted her and politely said "I think it would be much easier, to just tell us what HE can have"!!! I about fell out of my chair!

Also, she started saying something about her being a whore-as a smart ass comment back to me-and again, my Lawyer, right on cue said "that remains to be seen"!! He is so good. I love it. My wife acted like she got exactly what she wanted, when in reality, my L told me she was asking for $2,200 a month until I got back-AND I pay all the bills!!! She got a couple hundred.

[SoldierDad]

I will take the high road, it is so hard, but I will. I felt so good leaving the courthouse yesterday.

She has turned into someone that I don't know, nor would care to know. My L even said that she has this sense of ENTITLEMENT unlike any he has ever seen. He called it a MLC, and that may well be, but I don't care what you call it, it is pure evil from my perspective.

It is hard to see her, hear about her, know about her. I have started telling myself that she is basically dead to me. I dunno.

[MichelleLT]

Glad the hearing went well.

Sounds like you have a good L!

"Hurting people say hurtful things." So so so true. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. She is lashing out, and you are convenient.

I know it's hard to believe, but it's really not personal, and try not to take it personally. She will say many more horrible things, I heard all the same stuff, I have since gotten some apologies, they really are just lashing out emotionally trying to get a reaction. Sometimes they don't remember a lot of what they've said later.

Glad you get to spend all the time with your boys!!!!! Have a blast!

And, of course, document all that for your L. She's making this far too easy lol

[SoldierDad]

Well,
I need some advice as far as what to say/write if my W sends me any more texts/pics of her and whoever she is with that day.

I know she is going to do it, just out of sheer spite, and it is going to hurt me. I just want to handle this the right way the rest of the way down the road.

It is really difficult to process what has happened over the last 24/48 hours. She has done so much to hurt me.

I find it repulsive that she has turned into something that I despise, and feel pity for.

I am trying to block out the texts, and pic, but there they are on my phone, and in my mind.

This whole deployment has turned out to be the worst year of my life. I have lost so much.

I feel like a failure, and she has made me feel like I didn't make her happy, and now that she is sleeping around-THAT makes her happy - WTF??

[MichelleLT]

Happiness comes from within. She is not making herself happy.

She is looking outside herself for happiness, and she won't find it. In fact, her regrets/guilt for her actions will make it even harder to be happy.

It's important to acknowledge what we could have done differently/better in the M, to take responsibility for our half. But some of it is her fault - first and foremost for not asking for what she needed, asking for counseling, whatever else she could have done to fix things instead of having an A / As.

Her actions are HER CHOICE. You cannot shoulder the blame for them. It's NOT your fault.

Unless there is some legal reason to respond or it's about the kids, you say NOTHING. She's trying to get a rise out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction. I would say set a boundary about her not sending them, but in reality they help you out legally so much that it's better that she sends them.

[givingitmyall]

I'm sorry. She is really out of line.

Can you set up a new email account where you can forward the texts/emails to? Just forward them there until you can handle seeing them.

I don't think I would respond to them. You aren't going to reach her anyway. You only risk getting down in the mud with her.

This whole deployment has turned out to be the worst year of my life. I have lost so much.

I understand. It probably will be the worst year of your life...but it can also be the best. I know that sounds nuts, but you have been given an opportunity for personal growth and getting in touch with who you are. It's not what any of us here want, nor the way we want to learn it. But, as awful as D is, there is a chance to learn more about yourself and your inner strength than you can even imagine right now.

Hang in there. There is much to learn.

I feel like a failure, and she has made me feel like I didn't make her happy, and now that she is sleeping around-THAT makes her happy

YOU aren't the failure here. She is. YOU aren't walking out on your M.

It takes two people to stay M'd, and only one to tear it apart.

And, she IS NOT happy. If she were, why would she take the time to keep contacting the one person she says made her unhappy? If she were happy, you would not be hearing from her.

[SoldierDad]

Wow,
gima, that last part really opened my eyes. I am starting to see this from a different angle. There is no way she is happy, how could she be?

She has been passed around, and is desperately trying to latch onto someone/ANYone to show her affection/sex. She thinks that will make her happy-I guess.

Really not my problem to worry about her happiness anymore is it?

LT, seriously-it isn't personal with her? Everything she has thrown at mehas been personal in nature, and a definite cut into my already fragile ego. I mean, it's like she knows just what to say/write, to really cut me deep.

[MichelleLT]

It really was never your job to make her happy. You can't control her, including her emotions. You can't MAKE her happy. Only she can do that. Only she ever could.

The hormones of a new R make everything better for a while.

It's a drug, just like alcohol or nicotine. As are $h!tty coping mechanisms for the unhappiness, just like any other addiction. They are a way to bury the problem in the temporary euphoria another fix brings.