Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

Dylan,
Yes, I was thinking a quick recap would be good. I need to update my sig as well.

W and I started dating in college in 2003. We had common interests, common dreams, and she was one of the first I felt I could be romantic with. It wasn't awkward, it was great. Those were the good times, enjoying each other and getting to know each other.

Then, halfway through that first summer, her head started hurting so badly she ended up in the hospital. I visited her there in disbelief. Friends had warned me that she had bad headaches, and I thought "OK, take and Advil". I had no idea how severe hers would get, and how much they would affect our life.

I went off to Seminary to keep furthering my career, because I could already feel the pressure from my future father-in-law about how much I should be making. I still wanted to work in the church, but thought having a Master's would help make the kind
of money I needed. I buried myself all the more in school to try and make it work.

At the start of 2005, she failed out of her nursing program for the second time. The headaches had grown worse, even with trying every treatment available. Botox ended up helping for a time, but it was $2,000 a pop four times a year, non-insurable.

We moved ahead to marriage in August 2005, and I went, twice because her parents were divorced, to ask for her hand. My C says that there are lies that can permeate marriage, until everything becomes about the lie. My father-in-law told me he would give us his blessing, but "she'll never be happy on a pastor's salary. You need to give that up right now and get a real job."

Her mom told me her side. It was like they both wanted to convince me the divorce wasn't their fault. I could care less. "my husband is a dry alcoholic. He rules his family with all the anger, control and fear his dad used, but thinks he's fine because he's never had a drop. But all the of the damaging patterns are still there." My wife told me not to listen to her. She was the crazy mom who had abandoned her kids.

What FIL said had angered me so much, I thought it was unfair to her and I still do. But everything in our new marriage became about proving it, that she wasn't a spoiled brat, that I could make something of myself. I pushed harder at school, joined a band hoping we would make it big and get rich, all trying to prove FIL wrong.

MIL died 6 months into our marriage, which brought up all the baggage of her parent's D, but we didn't deal with it. Her headaches got worse and worse, and I was growing desperate. I would get through all the interviews and to the last round for a job, and the other guy would get it. Every time. I had never faced rejection like this. School had been easy compared to that.

The more frustrating things got, the more I escaped into my coping mechanisms. Sports on TV. Porn and other things on the Internet. July 2007, Proxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

was 3 hours short of my masters and had finally gotten a church job offer, when she told me we were done, got her own apartment and moved out. I couldn't believe it. I gave up all musical pursuits, got a high-paying computer job, and started doing anything she wanted. It worked for little while. We had gotten to the final step of divorce, but she never finished it and we started living together again and reconciling. Then she moved home to Houston March 2008.

Since then, it's been up and down. She'll get miserable and tired of her family, and will start to open up again. We even decided to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas last year together and ditch our families. It was great, and we were seriously talking about her moving back.

Then I lost my job in January, we went through a tax audit in May and June (Kev, go through one of those and you'll understand why she'd use taxes as a reason to D), it's just been a very tough year. I've let it affect my PMA and GAL.

There hasn't been any D talk until now. She's in too much pain to work or do much else. I understand that she's frustrated with the limbo, I am too. I don't want to keep living apart, I want her here. But I'm realizing how much I don't want a D either. I think if she would get help and counseling, it would help with her pain, but she and her family think there's a medical answer for everything.

My C today said "well, I hope she and her father are happy together." He said to not comfort her in this decision, that I've done everything I can. I'm trying to get as many perspectives on this as I can.

Here's the thing, reading your comments Dylan I relate. There's always been a spark between us, it's never gone away. She tries to fight it like crazy. We had a great visit and sex as recently as October. Great talks on the phone this week. She's just still convinced that D is the right thing t