Spent quite a bit of time with S7 last night. When W was here, the house was always trashed. The dining room table was always piled so high with S7's "projects" that we never ate dinner together. W and I would eat in front of the TV, and S7 usually ate in front of his computer. I always hated that, because I grew up in a large family that ALWAYS ate dinner together each night, and felt that S7 was missing out on that family time. Since W left and I got the house cleaned up, S7 and I have been eating dinner together at the table every night (or occasionally, at a restaurant together). It's a small thing, but I think it's important.
CC, this is not a small thing! It is huge for your son, and for you. Good for you for focusing on those kinds of things at this time. You are providing your son with stability and security that he needs so much right now, and he will remember those things.
You are doing great! Hang in there! I'm cheering you on...
CC, My W reached this kind of low in her bipolar swings three years ago. I felt some of the same conflict you expressed. Especially the parts about wanting to help/fix her problems, even when you know that can't and shouldn't. I think I handled it similar to you. It was so hard then, and our M wasn't a question then. It must be so much harder with the pressure of your sitch! You are a good man! I'm praying for your wife, and mine too.
I've gone through some REALLY dark places along side my W throughout our relationship. I was always her "rock". It's very hard to not want to "rescue" her now, but I think I've done a good job so far at balancing that fine line. Lovingly detached.
I appreciate the compliments, although I don't expect them. I've always looked as myself as a "nice guy", but I'm only now starting to see myself as a "good man".
As far as my son goes...If God brought my W into my life for no other reason than to create him, then I still feel VERY BLESSED.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
CC, this is not a small thing! It is huge for your son, and for you. Good for you for focusing on those kinds of things at this time. You are providing your son with stability and security that he needs so much right now, and he will remember those things.
You are doing great! Hang in there! I'm cheering you on...
You're right, it's really not a small thing. I know how much it meant to me as a child, even when I took it for granted. Thank you, RW. I'm cheering for you as well!
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
S7 and I are getting ready to head out to a neighboring state for a Christmas party at my niece's house. My first wife and I raised my niece for almost 8 years, after her mother (W1's sister) was killed in a car accident. My niece was only 8yo at the time. I was very young and wasn't ready for the responsibility of parenthood, which was a factor in our M falling apart. When my 1st W and I divorced, niece went to live with her recovering alcoholic father who had never claimed her. A few years later, niece got married and started a family of her own.
I've stayed friends with W1 for the 20 years since our D, but only this year saw my niece in person and I've never met her family. According to W1, she goes all out for Christmas for her family, and I happily accepted her invitation for us to visit for this party/dinner.
I'm still trying to explain all of this to S7, as he only knew that I was married previous to his Mom, but no details of who was involved in my life at the time. He seems to be interested and is looking forward to the road trip and meeting my niece's kids. I'm really hoping he'll have a good time.
Lots of emotions involved with this trip. Although I don't want to be married to W1, I still care very deeply about her. We still see each other every few months for lunch. It took me a long time to deal with my feelings of abandonment towards niece for the way I dropped out of her life when W1 and I divorced. Although I raised her as my own while she lived with us, our age difference made the R more like siblings (she's the same age as my baby sister). I've forgiven myself for leaving her and W1, and I know that they've forgiven me, but it still makes me a bit anxious right now.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to get more connected to their lives, as there has always been a special place in my heart for both W1 and niece. I'm also a very proud father, who is looking forward to having them finally meet S7 for the first time.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
CC, Sounds like you have had so much personal growth for yourself since that time in your life! I hope this weekend will be a time of healing from past, re-embracing parts of who you are and having fun! Let it be part of your GALing!
Thanks, RW. The trip was definitely another step in GAL. I'm very thankful that we were able to be included in my niece/XW's plans. We had a really good time, and enjoyed being able to relax and reconnect.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
My BIL contacted me yesterday before S7 and I left for our road trip. He thinks what W is doing is WRONG, and cannot support her in any way. He's not talked to her since she moved out, although he has heard some about it from a mutual friend. He said that he won't have any contact with W anymore.
Apparently, back in mid-May when my wife and her now-roommate went out of town for concert (in the city BIL lives in), W brought along a male friend. This was "just a friend" that she had spent 30 days straight in May hanging out at his house every night with him and his roommates.
Last night, on our long road trip home, the reality of this situation hit me in the face. Not only did W have a A with current OM, but had also had previously A just prior to OM with her "friend". This friend is a real loser, and I would have never thought she would stoop so low. I fooled myself into believing that they were just friends and W just was running away from her responsibilities as a wife/mom. I also suspect that illicit drugs were involved.
But now, looking back at all the time they spent together...all the texting back and forth they did...it was a full blown EA, if not more than that (suspect it was more). W never told me that she took him with her to the concert, which makes me even more sure that it was inappropriate. Otherwise, she would have told me about it. It was very shortly after they had a falling out that W had the PA with current OM.
Makes me feel like a total cuckold...so gullible to believe her lies...so stupid to have allowed her to continue the "friendship" in that manner without ever setting boundaries. They say hindsight 20/20. I'm starting to see the past with much clearer vision, and I'm very unhappy with what I'm seeing. Anger is flaring up again inside me. The more the reality sets in, the more I start to feel that I won't ever get over what has happened, and that I can NEVER trust my heart to this woman again.
I reached out to W last week, offering her an opportunity to share Christmas with our family. Now, I'm not sure I can be in the same room with her without calling her out on this newly realized information.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
You know CC, One thing I am trying to come to terms with is that it is not a bad thing to have a trusting nature and to have wanted to believe the best of your spouse. You should have been able to believe and trust her! I have wasted a lot of emotional energy kicking myself around about how I handled this or handled that, trusting too completely for too long... etc. But, enough of that!
If you have more than one infidelity to face, it changes things IMHO. I am not sure how I would respond to that if that came to light for me. It changes the ability to even consider re-building trust.
I think that you will need to confront your W about the new info, but when you are calm and able to do so in a calm manner. Wait a bit, plan out what to say in a way that is assertive but not confrontational.... asking valid questions but not attacking.
My heart goes out to you... it's a nightmare to get one punch in the gut, but another one?
You are still doing great, being a great dad and moving along in your own personal growth. Don't lose sight of that!
