here we go again

[bluerain]

Do you think that you should tell him that? I dont think that you should get into this big fat fight with him, but Im not sure how you expect him to show you action (which is a reasonable expectation) if you never see or speak to him.

It has to start somewhere, maybe give him a shot when you are ready and tell him in no uncertain terms that this is his one chance and he had better not screw it up- of course, maybe not just like that!

[Jstar]

no i have not sent any response to his latest phone msg.

oh yes being dark was so much easier then this.

i don't know if i'm being difficult to make it hard for him to meet the expectation, or i'm just being vindictive, with the combination of children needing consistency and routine.

what can i improve upon, what i'm not somewhat perfect????

how would i show him being better wife? since my ob prescribed some anti depressents, he hasn't not been around me since i've been on him, i bet he'd see a difference in me there. i notice it.

[bluerain]

Thats a good way, with the antidepressants, he will notice that, even if he only has limited exposure, and it will make it a lot easier for you to focus on what needs to be done here.

I know that your perfect my dear, but maybe theres a way that you could be perfect-er! Its not totally for him either, thats why I think that its important for it to be something that is a good healthy change for you- even more its about you.

[Jstar]

well now i'm going to figure out if i'm going to respond to him about friday and if i do what im going to say. I may stay with your first suggestion, on friday send some other possible times and then go dark.

i really don't know.

i think he is expecting to take d2 from me for some amount of time. so it will have to be a niceER way of saying he has not proven himself trustworthy to take her on his own. nor has he demonstrate other support that money does not cover, he does have another child on the way in which nothing is really ready. i don't think it' s alot to expect him to provide me with a visitation schedule, his work info and schedule for providng monetary support. after he demonstrates committment to those things, then maybe he can d2 without me being there.

i am extremely weary of just handing over d2 after i have sent a msg to him once. what has he proven in what i've asked for, what actions has he shown. i think if i don't take a hard line in this he is going not respect me and think he just do whatever he wants like he has done so many times in the past.

if we do not reconcile, he will have to do these things anyways with a parenting plan, support and all of that.

i don't want to just look at it as far as one time deal, more for the long term.

am i being off base on that part?

[bluerain]

I do think that no matter what you decide to do, once its done you should definately go dark until the scheduled meeting day. Usually the rules of going dark exclude matters concerning the kids.

If there is a threat that you cant trust him with her to either stay away from MIL, or not return her to you then you should definately be cautious. Maybe if he wants to see his kid, he can come set up the nursery for you, or pay a day laborer to do it!

I agree that he will need to be more engaged in the parenting, support etc, and I dont want you to look at it as a one time deal, but instead as a chance to start proving himself. He needs to show you consistency, and that will have to start with one visit, followed by a 2nd on-time, as scheduled visit, then another. And if he fails in his consistency, you go pitch black again.

[Jstar]

wording things is going to be the challenge and quite frankly i just have no energy to stay up after d2 goes to bed.

i am almost tempted to just say we are to busy and made plans for my vacation, it will have to be after the first of the year.

i know i should probably give him the change to prove himself, and start really small. i may say something to the effect of:

that's great you want to step up and start providing money for your legal obligations, however when you just offer money 1 time i feel that you are trying to buy off me and daughter. one time providing money in a matter of a few months is not owning up to your responsibilities. when you demonstrate consistent committment to providing for this family and prove you can be trusted things will have to work in this manner.

you will need to submitted your projected supervised visitation schedule. provide your employeer address, purchase 2 approved non recalled non garage sale car hand me down trash picking seats for both children, prove over time consistently that you are financially responsible for these children,

i'm not done but have to get ready for work...

[Jstar]

I don't know if i should take a stance like:

A few days ago I texted you my expectations and boundaries, have you met them? What have you done to prove you are trustworthy?

How have you showed me, zephyr, baby respect and support. I put in the msg until he does these things i will not conversate with him. he can be testing my seriousness to wha to what i texted, or he can so oblivious and not even register it.

[TrentC]

If you've communicated your boundaries, there's no reason to go over it again. He heard it the first time.

Contacting him again would be pursuing.

[soleil]

Trent is spot on.

[Jstar]

Always appreciate all the comments you guys provide. It helps me to sort out all this stuff.

This what I wrote:

I am glad to see that you have begun to show some interest in D2. In the past few months your decisions have not been in the best interest or safety for D2 ,the baby or me. In light of these poor decisions you no longer are a trustworthy person. Until you demonstrate genuine respect and support for me and the children we will not participate in any conversations with you. I fear for my safety, these children’s safety when you communicate angrily and threaten us to show up at my residence if I do not do what you want. In the event you do come over uninvited I will be forced to protect my life and my children‘s lives.

I was thinking it's clear. Does it spell out he has to be trustworthy? He has to respect and support me and my children? how can he think that by thanking me for sending him a msg adn telling me they are his children as well is now trustworthy? That in a msg he "says" hes going to give me money and wants to set up a time to see d2, trust has grown in words?

Am I wrong to wait out in the dark for him to be consistent in providing money in being respectful, supportive? i don't think he has and that tells me he thinks believes he can just walk all over me and translates to no respect for me or my children.

Am I off here?