Sadly, that's not uncommon. I've heard it so much from so many people. Often phrased as "the only thing I did wrong is marrying you to begin with." I think a lot of it is defensiveness and justification, but those mechanisms only work so long because they're thinking errors.
I am even more saddened by the fact that I accepted that line of thinking for so long. I accepted that I had problems and was not good enough...
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Sadly, that's not uncommon. I've heard it so much from so many people. Often phrased as "the only thing I did wrong is marrying you to begin with." I think a lot of it is defensiveness and justification, but those mechanisms only work so long because they're thinking errors.
I am even more saddened by the fact that I accepted that line of thinking for so long. I accepted that I had problems and was not good enough...
Well, that's 2 of us. And we're probably the tip of the iceberg!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
we accepted it because someone we loved and who we believed loved us was telling us that...in actions as well as in words...
i compare it to an abusive relationship (which I have been in too...) no one would be in a relationship with a person who punched them on the 1st date but they don't smack you on the 1st date
they didn't treat us like we sucked on the 1st date
no one would be in a relationship with a person who punched them on the 1st date but they don't smack you on the 1st date
they didn't treat us like we sucked on the 1st date
exactly. it crept up on us. then somehow we bought the ideology. we were like the Stanford Prison Experiment--we were impressionable and obedient, when presented with a legitimizing ideology (we're faulty) and social and institutional support (xH is a great guy, garrulous, a leader in his field, he's gotta be right). or maybe we were just like those frogs in the pot of boiling water. your choice.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I love that phrase ---- so true. All kinds of tragedy, pain, and upheaval in ones life is an invitation to wisdom, if you allow it.
BTW, have you thought of selling your XH's drum set on E-bay? I bet he bought the best set money could buy, so you should get quite a bit for it.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
we accepted it because someone we loved and who we believed loved us was telling us that...in actions as well as in words...
i compare it to an abusive relationship (which I have been in too...) no one would be in a relationship with a person who punched them on the 1st date but they don't smack you on the 1st date
they didn't treat us like we sucked on the 1st date
Sadly it was the opposite. I think that is part of the personality disorder, making you trust and eventually become dependent on them.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I love that phrase ---- so true. All kinds of tragedy, pain, and upheaval in ones life is an invitation to wisdom, if you allow it.
BTW, have you thought of selling your XH's drum set on E-bay? I bet he bought the best set money could buy, so you should get quite a bit for it.
Take care.
part of the D settlement--that he wants his drums and his bike (is it just me, or does that sound a lot like an 8-year-old?!). He just hasn't picked them up. But I can't sell them. and yes, his drums are top-of-the-line.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
we accepted it because someone we loved and who we believed loved us was telling us that...in actions as well as in words...
i compare it to an abusive relationship (which I have been in too...) no one would be in a relationship with a person who punched them on the 1st date but they don't smack you on the 1st date
they didn't treat us like we sucked on the 1st date
Sadly it was the opposite. I think that is part of the personality disorder, making you trust and eventually become dependent on them.
but never again, right?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
