how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[chatterbug]

This is going to make me sound like a Grinch, but I don't see this plan working well.

He is completely ensconced in the affair fog. When I tried to be nice to BF while he was heavy in the affair fog it just pushed him further away.

I am a strong believer in taking a hard stand. Why would you want to go out of your way to be nice to someone who has treated you so poorly? As I told BF, I wouldn't tolerate a friend treating me with such disrespect so why should I accept that from him? And more importantly, why do you want to chase after someone who doesn't want you?

I would show up looking fabulous, get straight to business, treat it strictly as a business meeting, then flash a winning smile as you're leaving and saying, "Oh, I didn't realize the time. I hate to keep people waiting! See ya."

That's just my opinion. Because I know that I'm worth more than being treated like crap. And because it worked.

And before you start in yet again with "I was too independent" I don't believe that for one minute. You were a strong independent woman when you met BF and started dating. If he didn't like those traits he never would have gotten together with you in the first place. He is rewriting history to justify his affair and he got you to buy it hook, line and sinker.

Do you have commitment and intimacy issues? Absolutely. And you are right to work on those. But that doesn't mean you should turn into a damsel in distress, especially because that isn't really you.

Were on the same page pearl.... :)http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/lightbulb.gif

[avermont]

Wow, gee guys, it is tough to get conflicting advice.

Let me mull this.

Yes, the OW is needy. No doubt about that. I also don't doubt that X is enjoying being a supportive manly man to a W who needs him, who asks a lot, whom he feels he can support. Totally makes him feel good.

Will he get tired of that? depends on how needy/whiny she is, I guess.

He does want to get together on the finances. He did blow it off in November, but he requested it for December.

90% of the bills are automated. I was thinking of suggesting that we set up the rest the same way. We can both access the accounts online. Then we might just need a monthly phone or email to double check that all was going in/out, or discuss any unexpected expenses, like the boiler needing repair, or whatever.

I was not going to do a 360 and go all melty woman on him. I'm trying to find the balance of being Florence Henderson (oh, do you need a beer? you are so cranky right now!) which I did last time and being cold, unapproachable, got nuthin to say to you except bills. Something in between. Doing a '90' as DB coach Laurie said.

This is tough guys. You read my posts about sending funny little emails and getting a positive response. So, yay, he is willing to be civil. Don't I track that as a "try something, see what works?" Then I send a colder email saying :bills are paid, and I get back a cold response. Mirroring each other.

So--If my being NICE feeds his comfort with the affair--and me being cold gets a cold response--WTF? sorry, I know I am being difficult, but what is the balance?

I want to look like the better option. I want to be the fun, adventurous, willing to do stuff gal I have always been. I also need to develop comfort with intimacy and commitment, and those are not qualities one can really put on display in a library bill-paying session. I also DO want to show him that I have needed him--he can be a strong manly man with me and I would welcome that and not brush it off as unnecessary.

Don't forget, that is what the OW is feeding him now--oh, be manly! help me! We have no friends now--it's just the two of us! If that gets to be too much for him, only time will tell.

So--being nice feeds his comfort with ditching me. Being cold or at least reserved shows I am pulling back from offering him any OK-ness with the A.

Being reserved maybe gives him the panic of---she is moving on. Do I really want that?

I have given him space. I let him walk out without hardly an argument or a tear. I gave the "I see you are done and I am working on accepting that" speech.

Well, at this point I am babbling. Thank you for your advice.

I will work on being reserved, not too friendly. Calm and at peace. And definitely--gotta go! In fact, I chose the time such that I would have to jam out of the meeting to get to the next thing.

thanks, really, for all the strong words of caution and advice.

I will not be melty. I will not bat my eyelashes. I will be quiet and reserved and calm. I will suggest the rest of the bills be automated--saves me writing out checks, anyhow.

I will look good and leave for my next meeting.

And then you will hear how this went later tonight!

Thanks!

[chatterbug]

How much have you read up on affairs?
Do you understand exactly what your dealing with here ?

I think you need to learn more about affairs.

OW is opposite of you. Something different.

You see how he reacts this winter when you are out living with your friends and doing all those activities. Hopefully you will not as you should detach.

He not only lost you. He lost his life. Does he realize that yet?
Who knows? Right now he is having an affair. So who cares?

You have crashed and burned.

His turn.

Take this punch in the throat and get back up on your feet.

This selfpity hurts only one person aver. YOU!

[Ready2Change]

The key is "DOING WHAT WORKS". The best thing to do is listen to all the advise. Then pick the thing that feels the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE and do that.


Other options:
Can you stir his emotions?
Let him show up and wait for you. Wait till he calls you. Answer in a noisy place with people laughing. "Something more important came up".

Let him show up and wait for you. Wait till he calls you. Let it go to VM. Completely ignore him. STIR HIS EMOTIONS.

By delaying your response. Who will he be thinking of? Let his imagination go wild.

[avermont]

I did some reading on affairs.

My fear is that this is the "exit affair." The excuse he had been looking for to call it all done. The stats on reconciling in that sort of affair are pretty much zilch.

I know the OW is the opposite. Younger, presumably needier, much more sexual (from the emails I read as I confirmed who the OW was). So he is getting a lot of needs filled. Whether or not those needs are all he needs to be filled--well, that's up to him, right?

I do hope that he will realize how much of his life he has lost this winter as he has no one to snowboard/hike/snowshoe with. How will I know? I won't--because every time I think--I wonder if he knows or feels such and such--I think "that's not my problem!" I am trying to mentally let go of pondering what all he is doing and thinking and just say "it's not my problem." I hope that counts as detaching.

I don't know what, if anything, will make him crash and burn. The affair is in month 8 now...that's a long time.

So that is my detaching: oh, I wonder if such and such..."it's not my problem."

[avermont]

I'm trying to find "what works" but with so little contact, there's very little opportunity to try one thing or another!

I have to get to a meeting now, after that is the meeting with him.

updates to follow--thanks to all--

Avermont

[Ready2Change]

I was too independent and W and I drifted apart. The kids bind us, so my sitch is a little different. I have set MsR2C free. I work on ME.

Here is my 2 cents:

Set partner free. Work on you. When you interact with him, you want to project that you have changed. The changes you make are for you, but will spark his interest. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE CHANGES. I "practice" all my positive changes with everyone else.

Check out the books I listed on the first post of my thread. Get your MOJO back. One of the first books I would recommend you read is "The Art of Seduction". The concepts in it may be useful in your sitch.

Sooo, have you read this book????

[soleil]

Will he get tired of that?

Not your problem. You need to focus on you right now.

I was not going to do a 360 and go all melty woman on him. I'm rying to find the balance of being Florence Henderson (oh, do you need a beer? you are so cranky right now!) which I did last time and being cold, unapproachable, got nuthin to say to you except bills. Something in between. Doing a '90' as DB coach Laurie said.

So--If my being NICE feeds his comfort with the affair--and me being cold gets a cold response--WTF? sorry, I know I am being difficult, but what is the balance?

You're not being cold & you're not being difficult, IMO. You were just telling him the bills were paid. I wouldn't go out of my way being nice. Like others have said, you being saccharine sweet to him is basically telling him that you're totally ok with him boffing some other chick. Look at it as a job. Like how you would talk to your job. No emotions, all business, nothing personal.

I have given him space. I let him walk out without hardly an argument or a tear.

Good. That was the perfect way to handle it.

Good luck tonight, I am sending good vibes your way

[chatterbug]

So what happened 8 months ago?

How long did the EA go on before?

Any changes in life , work ?

Show us why you think it is an exit affair?

And if it is an exit affair why are you fighting ?

[chatterbug]

So what happened 8 months ago?

How long did the EA go on before?

Any changes in life , work ?

Show us why you think it is an exit affair?

And if it is an exit affair why are you fighting ?