How about hearing your H out...asking him to once and for all come clean, tell it like it is.
I just know that after bomb #3 (OW calls AGAIN to reveal the A is still going on without my knowledge)...I COULD have just kicked CJ's A$$ to the curb...I mean we were in MC...he was LYING HIS A$$ off to everyone, including OW.
But what I did was sat on the couch, shook my head in incredulity, and just gave him the floor.
I won't bore you with the details, but at least I got to hear it ALL (what did he have to lose at that point?) and make my decision based on full disclosure.
Shiny...he told me I had better get off my meds...because they are making me crazy....he wants me to be crazy. I am bipolar and need my meds...he is abusive and cruel and is trying to push me over the edge. I believe he wants me to drink and wants me to go off the meds...why? so he can control me again...or lock me up...who knows...but he does not have my best interests at heart....he knows I need those meds...
exactly. No one who knows me or loves me would ever tell me to stop taking my meds. That in itself was a big sign to me...he doesn't want me to know what is going on...he wants me to be crazy and/or think I am crazy...and I am not. I am responsible for my own happiness....and that means I do need to take care of myself at this point. I have also told him I would like all four of us the H and W who is supposedly ow and my H and me to meet...with my pastor and let the chips fall where they may...I want the truth...
Girl, he may be feeling a bit out of control. There's a reason certain folks are attracted to alcoholics and at their sickest they can become....well...SICK! He may be having trouble adjusting to your new sobriety because he doesn't get to be the "sober, overly-responsible, self-righteous, martyrs that co-dependents can become! And...oh...can they EVER hold a resentment! Ever been to an Alanon meeting?
Hell, my step-mom took YEARS to be able to let go of some of her resentments she had against my father...even after he'd been sober for years! I think it wasn't until she started taking Prozac and was going to college to become a CD counselor that it all clicked for her and she could forgive. My bio mother NEVER forgave. She wears her hatred of my father like a crown for the things he did when he was drinking...even to this day and he's 4 years dead now.
I know it looks bad right now...this phone call from such and such a number. Do you recall some of my more harrowing experiences:
Such as when my S20 and his girlfriend were SURE that they saw H driving around with XOW.
Or when I saw H's cell phone bill...with tons of calls to XOW on it, and it turned out that none of it was as it seemed.
Please withhold judgement on your H and your M until you have heard your H's side of the story. Don't give up yet. It isn't always black and white!
DO take heed of what others are saying here, my dear.
There's a lot of shifting going on in your relationship right now, old patterns being broken, and the ride ain't gonna go smooth. It's going to take some time for the water to seek it's level point, and there's still going to be lots of challenges along the way to deal with.
Things go good for awhile, then it seems to get rocky again for a bit, taking us off guard. But hang in there, and try your best to not "react" to whatever comes along.
ALWAYS give yourself AT LEAST 24 hours before you do anything that might have some lasting impact. Let him sit on that email a bit, and see where he takes it from here.
{{{{BIG HUGS TO YOU}}}}
Last edited by Jamesjohn; 12/22/0303:33 AM.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I just don't want to care anymore that is the plain truth of the matter. He is rude, mean, and abusive in his way of arguing and fighting with me...calls me a c*nt, b*tch, sl*t, and a drunken wh*re...and more....even when I say stop name calling..he continues...it doesn't wake him up to his language or shake him out of it...I have to hang up on him or walk away to put an end to it...he threatened to beat the sh$t out of me if I called his folks last night....because I said I would if he hung up on me as I needed someone to talk to and have no relatives here...I should not have said that...but it did not warrant a threat of a beating either...he has hit me twice in six years...and I was drunk both times so can't really explain the circumstances....just know it was wrong. I thought we were making progress but we are not. I give up. I quit. I throw down my marital torch. I am going to db but for me...not for the marriage...I want a divorce. I am just going to practice the db principles that apply to taking care of one's self..as they are sound, solid, and great for self awareness and self esteem...will stay on boards...but don't know where...need to leave piecing.....as this marriage is in pieces........
I was in a verbally, emotionally, and going into a physically abusive relationship at one time in my life. If this book had been available then, perhaps I wouldn't have remained in that situation for as many years as I did.
What your Husband is saying to you is abusive. It is not acceptable no matter what the circumstances of your behavior are. You need to stop it, and sometimes the only way to do that is to leave. This book will help you to assess your options in a relationship - what to do if the abuser RECOGNIZES his abuse and is willing to change, and what to do if he does not. Please send for it immediately - it might just save your life, and it WILL change it.
No, don't leave piecing, this is where we know where to find you at.
Do please give this some time before acting on anything.
Your emotions are all still so high right now that it interfers with any clear thinking. At least I know I don't think clearly at all when highly emotional. Especially if I am hurt and angry. That is when I tend to see things at my most black or white thinking.
Take care of yourself today.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
