how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Wow, gee guys, it is tough to get conflicting advice.

Let me mull this.

Yes, the OW is needy. No doubt about that. I also don't doubt that X is enjoying being a supportive manly man to a W who needs him, who asks a lot, whom he feels he can support. Totally makes him feel good.

Will he get tired of that? depends on how needy/whiny she is, I guess.

He does want to get together on the finances. He did blow it off in November, but he requested it for December.

90% of the bills are automated. I was thinking of suggesting that we set up the rest the same way. We can both access the accounts online. Then we might just need a monthly phone or email to double check that all was going in/out, or discuss any unexpected expenses, like the boiler needing repair, or whatever.

I was not going to do a 360 and go all melty woman on him. I'm trying to find the balance of being Florence Henderson (oh, do you need a beer? you are so cranky right now!) which I did last time and being cold, unapproachable, got nuthin to say to you except bills. Something in between. Doing a '90' as DB coach Laurie said.

This is tough guys. You read my posts about sending funny little emails and getting a positive response. So, yay, he is willing to be civil. Don't I track that as a "try something, see what works?" Then I send a colder email saying :bills are paid, and I get back a cold response. Mirroring each other.

So--If my being NICE feeds his comfort with the affair--and me being cold gets a cold response--WTF? sorry, I know I am being difficult, but what is the balance?

I want to look like the better option. I want to be the fun, adventurous, willing to do stuff gal I have always been. I also need to develop comfort with intimacy and commitment, and those are not qualities one can really put on display in a library bill-paying session. I also DO want to show him that I have needed him--he can be a strong manly man with me and I would welcome that and not brush it off as unnecessary.

Don't forget, that is what the OW is feeding him now--oh, be manly! help me! We have no friends now--it's just the two of us! If that gets to be too much for him, only time will tell.

So--being nice feeds his comfort with ditching me. Being cold or at least reserved shows I am pulling back from offering him any OK-ness with the A.

Being reserved maybe gives him the panic of---she is moving on. Do I really want that?

I have given him space. I let him walk out without hardly an argument or a tear. I gave the "I see you are done and I am working on accepting that" speech.

Well, at this point I am babbling. Thank you for your advice.

I will work on being reserved, not too friendly. Calm and at peace. And definitely--gotta go! In fact, I chose the time such that I would have to jam out of the meeting to get to the next thing.

thanks, really, for all the strong words of caution and advice.

I will not be melty. I will not bat my eyelashes. I will be quiet and reserved and calm. I will suggest the rest of the bills be automated--saves me writing out checks, anyhow.

I will look good and leave for my next meeting.

And then you will hear how this went later tonight!

Thanks!