how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[chatterbug]

Aver. The weapon of detachment. It is a powerful weapon. Please do not toss this away. Your killing yourself here.

Each time you do something nice. Each time you contact him. Look at what your doing.

1. Aver approves of the affair. Look she is nice to me about all this. She is happy about this. She has accepted this. She has moved on.
2. Each time you see him and do these things you reset your internal clock and his on detachment. Ground zero over and over and over. False starts.
3. He does not get to detach. He does not get to actually releaze that he is losing you. This is a powerful experience. Look at what it has done to you. Why are you dening him this experience? Why are you shielding him from losing you? You are letting him go slowly.
4. You are killing your relationship with kindness. He killed it with an affair. Actions = consequences. No compression. No chance to determine if the relationship is worth saving. You need to let deal with his guilt on his own. This being nice just adds to that guilt. It is something he is avoiding. Guilt can turn to resentment. One of you will get here first. Then it truly is over.
5. You are racing with him on the complete distruction of this relationship. You think you can get him back with a brush of a hand once a month while dealing with the stressful conversation of finances.

You are using the finances as an excuse to meet with him. Something he does not want.

Automate it. Have it set up so you can both view the account on line.
Set up in writting the date and amount that money gets deposited into the account. Set up who pays the bills or automate it.

Detach.

You want to know something Aver. I am going to say this because I have followed your stitch since the beginning.

His Affair is with a needy woman. She is more needy than you will ever be. Why? Its her nature. You will not win this battle.

I know all about a strong independent woman. I fell in love with one. I am attracted to a strong independent woman. I am also a strong independent man.

You know how I got my strong independent woman 13 years ago.

I let her know I was interested. Then I had to pursue and withdraw at the same time. She was a prize. A woman I desired. She did not come to me because she was a strong independent woman. But at the same time. I gave her the space to determine if she wanted me. So its grew slowly at first. But it was I who pursued. But at the same time she was pursuing me.

You need to relearn this Aver. This is what attracted him to you in the first place.

He has to work out why he did what he did.
He has to learn what it is like to be without Aver ever again.

You have shown him that you are dependent on him. Let him stew on that by himself for awhile.

Dump him now. Let him fully see what he has lost due to his selfishness.

Come on Aver. You are so much better than all this. Time to gain control of everything again. 100% independence. Strong. In control. These are attractive. Let him be smothered by needy.
Let him figure out what he really wants by giving him the complete space he needs.

Fear is holding you back. Fear is ruining you. Your long term health and well being is at stake here. Fight for yourself now.