1.Told H I was taking kids to my parents for xmas dinner. We could do present opening together in the morning with kids and then I would give him a few hours in early afternoon with the kids alone.
2.Told him he needs to talk to kids with age appropriate description of our situation. Told him he could run it by me first and that I wanted to be there when he did it.
3.Told him that I don't want him around upstairs – it makes me uncomfortable. I want him out of the house. He said when he comes home that he will come thru garage and won't come up until after kids go to bed. Not sure really how that will work when kids hear him downstairs . Meet with L tomorrow so I will know more about where I stand on him not leaving the house.
4.H's b-day is less than 3 weeks. Told him he would have the day with the kids and I will not be part of his bday plans.
5.Finally seeing some remorse and emotion from H.
6.H has to work early Sat at job site where OW works. He told me I was welcome to come with him.
And I have been thinking about going to counseling.
Not feeling like I am in a good place but all your support/guidance has helped me be more in control and I don't feel totally helpless. Thanks.
You are not helpless. You are in control of your own life. Your H has made choices that hugely impact you and the kids without consulting with you, now it is your turn to do that for you. This will suck for a while... it just will. But, you will get through it. Be strong, try not to react to what he does, take care of yourself and the kids, be as fabulous as you can be! That will be good for you, no matter the outcome of your M. Breathe, eat, sleep.... you will be ok.
I would say go to counseling if you can afford it.
You need someone to help you process through all the difficult feelings.
My counselor is working with me on some CBT to help with anxiety.
It feels good knowing that once a week someone is going to be focused on talking with me. It's helpful as a good reality check, too. You can get feedback that you AREN'T crazy, or yes, maybe your perception is bit skewed.
Good luck with all of this.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
RW gave you some great advice. It is going to be hard for a little while. But, I would challenge you to look inside yourself rather than allow yourself to be conquered by negative emotions. Realize you can handle all of this sitch, that you will experience more personal growth than you probably ever have and that you will find strnegth you never thought possible. And you will, if you let yourself.
This...
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And I have been thinking about going to counseling.
...is a wonderful idea. It might even be covered by your (or H's) health insurance. I never went to C for myself before the bomb, but have been many times since. Worth every cent.
Where do you draw your strength? If you are religious, pray (I do several times daily for strength, discernment, wisdom). Whatever the source, get in touch with it.
And there is a fun side to all this mess. Doing things for yourself. What do you enjoy? What have you not done you have wanted to? They don't have to be expensive trips. They can be little things like finding private time just to read, think or just BE. Maybe it's getting some exercise - go for a walk in the park or around the neighborhood. Is there a YMCA near you or a gym?
Oh, and one more suggestion. Coach turned me on to a book that has quite simply changed the way I view life - from pessimistic to optimistic. It's "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Definitely worth the time.
Somewhere I read/heard an analogy that helped me: when you're facing a large quagmire, the fastest way is straight through, not around. It's a mess when you're in it, but you'll be better off once you reach the other side.
Do try to find the silver lining, there is one if you look. Get in touch with the parts of yourself you've lost or set aside over the years. While I wouldn't wish this sitch on anyone, I do feel like I've grown a lot and am in a much better place than I was before it started.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
