Our info: together 5 years, 2 kids ages 4.5 and 1.5. Me: 35, him 32.
On November 20, I logged onto our family share plan to see that for the entire prior month, he had been texting practically non-stop his EX girlfriend of five years.
That month they were texting, he had been very standoffish, distant and combative. Picking fights with me over little things then turning it around as if I was being petty. Suddenly, it became very clear WHY.
I confronted him, he tried at first to deny knowing the number, then to they only talked a few times to "catch up", then it was a few days, then finally he admitted she had sent him a Happy Birthday text and it went from there.
Going through the texts, one thing that REALLY hurt was that he had ignored a text where I was flirty and told him I couldn't wait to see him and snuggle up. He totally ignored it and later lied and said he left his phone in his car. Well, he had been texting HER at the time and didn't have time apparently to text me back.
Immediately, I asked him to leave.
He left and then wrote me a 5 page letter saying that he was a jerk, selfish idiot and that at first it was just curiousity, then it became more emotional, and that he did consider cheating but it was just a thought, not an action. He said she started getting the wrong idea and that she asked him to lunch and he said no. On Tuesday, November 17, they had talked up a storm. Allegedly this is when she asked him and he said no. They also talked ALL DAY on Monday, November 16.
Suddenly, the texting abruptly stopped on November 17. Then I found out on November 20.
We've tried to go back to normal, but I cannot get over his lying. I feel like I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. I don't know how to move forward.
Two days straight this week, he ignored my text messages again. Normally I wouldn't think much of it, but this time I just flipped out. I hate who I have turned into. He told me he just didn't check his phone but I can't help but think how I fell for that line the first time. Now I am ignoring him because I feel like its pointless to go forward if I can't trust what he says. Why even talk?
Oh and he deleted all of the text messages between them - stating that it would make me mad if I knew they were texting.
Ravenly,
I feel for you. We've all been there. Just remember the feelings you are having will end.
Two things I would suggest:
1. You need to control yourself. I don't mean this so that poor old H won't get upset. I mean it so that you can stay focused and IN CONTROL (one of the most important things you can do). Cool, calm, collected an confident as Gnosis says.
2. Decide what do you want? I mean what you exactly want and break it down - you want the M, okay, how do you get to feel safe and secure again? You want the texting to stop? Okay, how do you feel secure it has ...
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Yes, he wants to save the M, desperately. Has begged and pleaded and sworn it won't happen ever again. I want to save it for my kids, but am having difficulty trusting since this isn't the first time he has lied to me. The 5 year R w/ his Ex gf (actually they were engaged for awhile, she was his first true love) was many years ago, maybe 7 years ago I'd say. I was a member here during a break up previously from another BF, before I met him. I remembered this place from during that time and came back here. BTW, he is not bio dad to my oldest, but is to my youngest. He is "dad" though to my son - been around since he was 5 months old.
He lied to me several years ago and I told him I have a very difficult time trusting after lies. We were just recently living together at the time. He had lied about smoking pot, told me he had quit but then lied about working late to go get some and smoke it. When I caught him not working late, he first lied and said he went looking at engagement rings as a surprise. Then finally confessed later as that was total bullcrap. This was a big deal to me and I made him promise to never ever lie again - that we can get through anything as long as we trust each other but that cannot happen if I feel like he is going to lie to get out of trouble.
This same ex gf has texted him before, but it never went further than a few texts to catch up and he always told me about it. I was always fine with it and understood. One time she even stopped by my house when he was home during the day and I wasn't, that really peeved me! Allegedly, they never went inside he said he was outside cleaning the garage and she pulled up.
BTW, he was my neighbor, and he said she went driving by looking his old house for his car in his driveway but then saw his car at the next house over. That is how she found him when he moved in with me. (I owned my own home but he rented, so he ended up moving in with me) Hope that isn't confusing!
There have been other minor incidences but I always blown them off since there was never a smoking gun that he did anything beyond talk. Now I am not so sure.
You need to get some boundaries in place. Dealbreakers.
I would make him work for this. Since he says he is "willing to work"
1. OW - All contact must stop. 2. Write a NC letter to OW. 3. Tranparancy 4. Truthdarts ( thanks Puppy) 5. Boundaries 6. Work on yourself. H works on himself. You both work on marriage.
Think about these things and we can help guide you through this path.
Remember.
Trust nothing he says.
H had an affair because he have no boundaries around other women.
Does anyone know about this ? Who do you have in place to support you on this issue? Family , close friends?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Two days straight this week, he ignored my text messages again. Normally I wouldn't think much of it, but this time I just flipped out. I hate who I have turned into. He told me he just didn't check his phone but I can't help but think how I fell for that line the first time. Now I am ignoring him because I feel like its pointless to go forward if I can't trust what he says. Why even talk?
Cutter's list is very good. You should also know that trust is what makes reconciling so difficult.
I WAS TOO LAX after dday #1 because I didnt want to be a babysitter/parole officer and he took the A underground. So, I will add some suggestions based on hindsight:
Do not let WH try to end it in person.INSIST on No Contact Letter.
Ask WH for a schedule of his daily events. (My WH is very routine so if he fell out of it, it was a red flag like if he left work at 6 not 5:30)
Tell him that for awhile you will need to hear from him frequently throughout the day/return your calls or texts within certain time.
You can check his phone, but be aware that he can delete messages and phone logs. (Mine did)Online records hopefully are better indicators but I don't remember if they are able to show same day activity.
Change his phone number.
Expect OW to keep trying to contact him and insist he tells you when she does, but he has to ignore her. Stay calm when he tells you.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You can check his phone, but be aware that he can delete messages and phone logs. (Mine did)Online records hopefully are better indicators but I don't remember if they are able to show same day activity.
It's obvious though when they delete call history (as it only shows a few calls and if you are calling / he is calling you, those calls will be missing). You coulf check his phone and then delete the call history yourself thereby you know when it was 'reset'.
Quote:
Change his phone number.
A given and no excuses. If he complains about friends not knowing it, text them the new number.
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Expect OW to keep trying to contact him and insist he tells you when she does, but he has to ignore her. Stay calm when he tells you.
Remember people who engage in R's with married people have no morals. She WILL try to contact him again regardless of what he tells her about your recovery. That is HER doing, not his. Be mad at HER, not him.
You NEED to stay calm. Remember, SHE is trying to contact him. If he tells you, just like you ask, don't be angry at him. Be grateful. He may be telling you something you don't want to hear, but he IS being honest and open about it which is what you want.
Last edited by P17; 12/18/0912:41 AM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Ravenly, what's happening? Merry Christmas! Check in with us after the holiday!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
