NCB - I understand where you are coming from, I have dealt with some of the same crap when it comes to dealing with the X. I have decided to treat everything in a business-like manner. No personal attacks, no trying to tell him how to behave, nothing personal at all. When she makes these attacks your response could be very direct, "Please be more specific regarding what the children say regarding anger, thank you." (Not "my anger" just "anger.") Never ask her for input regarding your relationship with the kids, that will be perceived by her as being power over you! Don't give her ammunition!!!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
