The continuing saga of P ...

[P17]

I'm just venting / journaling just now. I'm a bit low today for the first time in a long time. Feeling a little hurt - backsliding a little today. Normal, I know.

As I said before, asked friend to get 'evidence' from W and OM's FB pages. She has printed off their 'relationship status' and a pic of them both with the caption 'Me and my man' (that's the bit that hurt) and was taken a few days ago.

The relationship bit and friends list of OM's FB page is either now private or been removed (it was there yesterday apparently). However the rest of it is apparently public for everybody to see. That has been changed deliberately. It's strange, my gut tells me it's for a reason but I don't know what. I shouldn't care, and normally I wouldn't but today is a low day.

Tried to listen to the message that MIL left on the machine today and only a part of it is there. She is wrapping Xmas presents at the moment and has two little ones for D. Nothing more was left (I think the machine cut off!).

Just phoned MIL back and it went to her voicemail. Left an upbeat message and asked her to call me back.

Anyway, I have no patience at this point. W seems to be moving on with her life without a care in the world. I thought the picture, in it's public glory, was a little bit of a knife to the heart for me - I think I would have been a little more considerate.

I did think maybe she had gone dark, but as you guys said on here, she's likely moved on. I therefore think what the point is in waiting the two years for a D. I can start the process of filing tomorrow (or today if I'm quick enough, it's 4pm :)) It's not going to effect me GALing etc. so why put myself through this 'maybe we'll get together, maybe we won't' phase?

It's OM's birthday today too so he will be getting his 'special birthday present' which again hurts a little. The birthday thing didn't bother me yesterday, but I think with this stuff on top it's sort of just the icing on the cake.

It has only been a month exactly since NC. But in the 4 months since separation, and the month of NC I've seen nothing positive at all. Not a glimmer, not a sign, not even a chink. All I see is negative, bad indicators that I am truly wasting my time. I know some people have been here for 6-30 months GALing, DBing, 180's etc. what keeps these guys going during these times of hopelessness. I mean they must see some positives every now and then to let the know that hope is still there. I have seen nothing at all.

NC has been good for me. But I am now questioning why I am holding off on the D. Patience, patience and patience. I know I need some. Sometimes though, as I said, you just want to give up, roll over, and go to sleep.

I had no plan before NC. I have no plan now. I was hoping that NC would eventually give W some time to think and the thought of D and me as a family would pull her back in some form. Instead she seems to have taken the NC and ran with it. Deleted all our pics from FB / Bebo. Ignored us completely. Not even sent me a condolence card about my mum. Ignored texts from IM etc. Bieing openly public about her new man. She has completely moved on by all intents and purposes and it leaves me, in this state, without any hope at all.

I'm just sitting here thinking what is the point again?

One thing. D's mum spoke to the friend in W's work again yesterday. Friend said that the story, about me and W splitting because of OM, is true and it's making it's way around the store. W's story about them getting together AFTER we split is coming unravelled. D's mum and friend couldn't believe she had left him for me. Felt good I suppose Women fighting on your side.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. More tea I think and a nice chocolate biscuit to cheer P up!