Hope and heartache

[awest1217]

I agree with you CTH. You gave W an advance not extra $. Plus since it is also your insurance it was good. I think W was humbled enough by asking...I know I always am even when mine is what I actually deserve, but still. She will learn her lesson and at the same time that you care enough to help. She had another plan, but you said you could save her some time. She will remember that.

[ClingingToHope]

I must admit there was a small message in it. I had the money. Even after the fact she is getting -- after my contribution -- more than twice as much money as I am, I had the money.

I've always socked money away here, there, everywhere for little emergencies. I can't count how many times that came in handy when we were together.

So I was glad to help.

The other thing I realized is how far away she is from having the money to file for D. Unless she totally surprises me by having the willpower to save the money or her mom pays for it -- doubtful, I think she'd like to see us get back together -- the timing of a D will be totally up to me.

I'll actually have my L retainer saved up by February.

She called tonight and wanted to talk about something, but it was halftime of a high school game I was keeping score of -- for $45 -- and didn't have time to talk.

Not sure what it could be about.

D10 is having her swine flu shot tomorrow at 9:45 a.m. W can't get off work so she asked me. I said yes. Anything for the family.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes, you will be tied together forever because of your children, not just 10 years. How you choose to spend those years is what will make the difference in your life. Stop dwelling on her, focus on you ONLY.

Growing up playing sports, you become very goal oriented. I can't help it. I can't focus unless there's a goal, something to accomplish. True, she may not notice, but by the time I figure that out, I would think somebody else would have and I'll be well along the path to full recovery.

A co-worker told me once he still thinks of his first wife at least once a week even though he's been happily married to his second wife for 15 years. The second marriage is better in every way than the first, but he says it never totally goes away.

My W is in most of my memories of my late 20s and all of my 30s. I can't write her out of my biography.

That being said, when D7 turns 18 and heads off to college, I would hope that the only interaction between W and I would be an occasional email over college costs.

The girls, by then, will be free to make their own decisions on who they want to spend time with.

I got into journalism to see the world then married someone who has never lived more than 15 minutes from their mom. So I had to give up the dream. I even turned down a dream job in Florida six years ago because W didn't want to go. As I type this, it is 5 frickin degrees outside in the lousy Midwest.

When both girls are off to college, who knows, perhaps I'll finally have the freedom to go off and see the world like I've always wanted to. Perhaps I'll have someone else by then who would have something to say about it. If not, I can find work anywhere.

[awest1217]

I think what mishka is trying to explain to you is that you think you won't have to deal with W anymore, but that is not true. The girl's will get married one day and you two will be there. They will have families of their own, the two of you will be there. You will never, ever be done with W because of your girls. The two of you will be grandparents together. First birthday of the grandkids. You will both be there.

I read one story in I believe the forgiveness book that said how one man and woman divorced because he had OW and wanted out. The wife learned to forgive and at the birth of their first grandchild they started to talk again. The husband talke about how he thought he would never have to deal with W again, but here they were about to become grandparents together. This was years after the D and they reconnected at that point and got back together. The husband asked her how she could take him back and she said because she learned to forgive, after a few years of being upset. I say this because you will always be around W. It can either be a pleasant experience, not that you will ever agree with her decision, or not. You will always be around her so you need to focus on yourself and set goals for yourself to make you a better person and not about W. You may not be back together in a year. You may get divorced. You may not. You get divorced and later get back together. No one knows the future or can control it, but you can make a difference in you.

[ClingingToHope]

I've read "I Do Again," which is a story about a couple that married again seven years after her mid-life crisis forced an unwanted divorce on an unsuspecting husband.

It gave me comfort and alarmed me a bit. It's a really good book though. I read it in one day.

I know I'll always be involved in the BIG events with W. But if we get a D I doubt I'll "always be around" her. Without the everyday raising of the kids, I can see us going months, years without speaking. That's the way she is now with her best friends. The only person she consistently talks to is her mother. The day her mother dies will either be a seriously disastrous day for W or liberating in a way.

Here's a point, the arc of someone's life can change profoundly with just one small event.

That's one thing that is a bit exciting. My life is now a much emptier canvass. I'm not sure what is next for me anymore.

That's not all bad.

[ClingingToHope]

Funny thing. Was over at the old house today like most school days and I did not check up on W. It was reaaaaalllllllyyyyyy hard. Almost like breaking an addiction.

But since I don't know what she's doing I'm not wondering what her motives are.

Progress.

She called while I was taking D10 back to school to pick up missing homework. I handed phone to D10 to pick up. They talked for five minutes and she didn't ask for me.

D10 said something on the way back home though. She said, I know what you did. I said what? She said, you gave us $109 for the car insurance after mom spent the $59 on groceries.

I said yes. No big deal. She said W was getting $50 from a co-worker to buy D10 school supplies.

I felt like telling D10 that if she needs school supplies she should ask me. I let it go. D10 doesn't need to get in the middle and besides, W is feeling the weight of her actions.

Me? I'm working basketball games three of the next five days and making about $250. That will take care of Christmas.

Today feels like very good progress.

[awest1217]

See W is seeing the consequences of her actions and you also helped out, which makes you look more appealing. It all worked out ok. W is seeing that she can't financially do this on her own, which in time will either bring her to you, or have her make some tough decisions.

Good job not snooping. It really is an addiction because you get a rush of adrenaline while looking which makes you feel good and needing that rush is an addiction. Good job avoiding it!

[ClingingToHope]

Have my second session with IC today. Not really sure what to talk about today. Followers of my sitch, I'm open for suggestions.

Awest, I don't know what could bring W and me back together. I don't want her to turn to me just because of bills. I also feel badly that I feel good when she's struggling. That's wrong isn't it?

[luvless]

No it's not wrong - you just want to feel needed by her.

[mishka422]

Maybe you could talk over strategies to keep from snooping so that you can continue your detachment from your W. You said you feel better not snooping so you need to keep that up.

I understand feeling glad that she is struggling. It's a small vindication. Just know that you don't want her to turn to you because of financial reasons. That is not going to repair your M and will most likely cause her to resent you more. She will feel trapped and put the blame for that on you (totally illogical but we all know how these WAS's are).