Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

I completely understand the frustration. Having H say things to OW in your house is sickening, especially after you have gone out of your way to show him love and support. I completely understand!

It is good that you are seeing how things can definitely change for the good as he gets help. You are completely right that right now he can't make good decisions because that part of his brain has shut down. Once it starts working, there is a good possibility he will start to realize his decisions were wrong and that he could get more help. Also then he can work through the negative feelings. The one thing to look out for is him feeling so ashamed by the decisions that he has made that he withdrawals more. Watch for that because as he realizes what he has done and his brain begins to say that he is wrong it could happen.

Have a good week and just remember things are slowly going to the positive. Let him start to get help and see where things go from there. Don't put too much hope in it, but it is definitely progress. The hard part is waiting...

[Lucky11too]

It definitely is progress. Sometimes I worry though that I don't have the stamina to continue for the time it's going to take. It really is going to be a waiting game to see what comes of this...and I'm having trouble being patient! I've been at this for so long now that I just want some resolution. I think the holidays are getting to me too. Last year at this time, I told myself that I would not be here in this same situation again this year, but here I am - trying to decide how to deal with the ackwardness of Christmas gatherings during a separation - not together, but not apart... Ugg, if he could just give me some carrot to hold on to, to let me know, that although it's a long journey ahead, that he could possibly see me somewhere there in the end with him. It's a pretty lonely journey without that... =\ Just trying to hold on to God's strength...

[awest1217]

I hope things are still going well. I understand it is a long journey and I can't believe you have made it already over a year. That really shows some strength, especially with a baby. The one thing I will encourage you with is that since you have been DBing, there has been some awesome progress. I think you finally found something that works for H, your R, and especially for you because you sound a lot stronger too. My encouragement is instead of thinking it has been over a year, to help you keep going (as long as the progress continues of course), think of your new anniversary as the month you started to DB. So instead of being over a year, you can start to think about only what 4 months have past, and look at the progress.

H is spending more time with S.
H is being appreciative.
H is got the brain scan.
H is let the doctor set up an appointment with the sleep therapist.

And I am sure there are many more that you have noticed that I am forgetting, but those are the big ones. Hopefully this will help you continue on to see if H will continue on the right path so you can have the M you are dreaming of.

Have a great day!

[Lucky11too]

Excellent idea about the new anniversary date. I started reading the book in June, but I really didn't really start hard core DBing until September. So if you look at it that way, that's a lot of progress in 4-6 months. I like it! Good idea. =) He definitely has made a lot of progress, just sometimes the negative starts to overshadow that stuff in your brain and you need that reminder. OW has been getting to me recently (I'll explain in a second), but I just need to focus on what I can control.

So, H has been quiet again. He's been seeing S over at his mom's house the last 2 days, but not much contact with me. It feels a little lonely. The push and pull game is difficult. If I push too much, I'm pursuing and I push him away, but if I pull away to much, I'm not there for him and I still push him away. It's like this darn catch 22. You can't iniate contact but then you can't not iniate contact. So trying another approach, H was looking for this DHA supplement that the dr recommended, but he was having trouble finding one that wasn't prenatal (haha), so I found one online and order it for him (but didn't tell him yet). It's coming in today to his mom's house (since he still hasn't told me where he lives. Grr.) So hopefully he'll appreciate my helpfulness.

So going back to OW. Quick background story, last year for Christmas, H left to go hang out with his co-workers (I later found out OW was there and it was her b-day on Christmas). I don't know the whole story and probably never will, but it was all very fishy. Not cool though. Even if OW wasn't involved, Christmas is the one day he should spend with his family (& last year was S's 1st Christmas and this will year will be the 1st one he will actually participate in!!!) Besides, don't they have families! So anyways, this past weekend, I was trying to feel H out about Christmas this year, so I asked him what his work schedule was and he said he was off the 24th and 25th. I asked him if he wanted to do our usual (of the last 9 years) of his dad's side of the family on Christmas Eve, my family Christmas morning/afternoon, and his mother's side Christmas night (We're all like 2 miles apart, so it's not a big deal to travel). He said yeah, that would probably work...but then, "My co-workers are thinking about getting together one of those nights, so I'll probably stop by there for a bit too." What? JERK! I said something about family, and he joked "don't make me mad" (b/c of his scan and and the activity in the anger/agression center), then I didn't respond, so he goes, don't look so sad. Well duh, want do you expect??? So anyways, the fact that he might leave again on Christmas is really starting to eat away at me. Not sure exactly how to deal with it. How do I set a boundary on this without making it an ultimatum (which I'm not ready to do yet with his progress on the depression front)? I don't want to make a big deal about it before hand to give him a chance to make the right decision, but when it comes to it, I need to be prepared to have a response (or no response if that's the best action). It just stinks b/c this is going to ruin Christmas...again...

[awest1217]

Don't let it ruin Christmas. Honestly I say let him go, and have tons of fun that he misses out on that you can tell him about so he can see what he missed. Don't get mad or upset just let him go without saying much but good-bye, and then leave it at that. IF he asks, make sur eyou tell the stories in detail what he missed.

However others will probably have better advice.

[luvless]

I'm trying SO hard not to have my Christmas be ruined too. I can't tell you how much I feel your pain Lucky.

Hang in there girl - this is what my friend told me - once this all blows over - whether it turns out your together or not - you're gonna be so mad at yourself for being so miserable!

Let's take her advice.

ONE more thing - this hanging with coworkers stuff is a marriage killer! Work is work and should be left just as that.

[Lucky11too]

You guys are both right. Whatever he decides to do, I need to forget about what he's doing and just enjoy the day. I refuse to be miserable! I have a lot of family coming over and it will be great to see S's reaction to everything. I bought S this little baby tricycle, so I'm super excited about it. I'm not going to let him ruin this for us. It's going to be hard b/c emotions are emotions, but I'm going to try. But grr, darn stupid co-workers, especially when they include OW, other pretty girls, an alcoholic bartender roommate, etc...horrible people and horrible influences...it's just exasberating! Ok, just a little venting, but I'm done now. =P

That's kind of what I was thinking too about just not saying anything when he leaves besides goodbye. I have tried reasoning, complaining, begginng, etc before and it has never worked, so why resort to that now. Do something different! But since I'm obviously not ok with it nor should I be, should I make some reprecussions for it or just let it go like it never happened?

[Lucky11too]

I got a text out of the blue from H earlier that just said "I think about you sometimes". Huh? What does mean? Is that positive or negative? That was it. No other texts since. I don't get it...

[awest1217]

Maybe he meant it in a good way saying that he thinks about you? A positive thing. On the Christmas issue, I say don't punish him. Punishing to me seems like you are placing blame and holding a grudge. Do I think he is horrible for going with co-workers instead of his family? YES! But I truly believe natural consequences will happen and they are better than you doing anything because then he can't resent you more.

Like I said before. It will be horrible for H to find out how much fun you had, and the special moments he missed out on. He may not say it, but I am sure it bugs him. Those are his consequences. If he calls after Christmas and wants to do something, but you don't want to because you are still upset about him leaving then say no, not today, but be kind about it. He will realize on his own what he did (one day hopefully) without you saying a thing so that you are just focusing on having fun, and not on him.

[Lucky11too]

I think he was thinking about me (in a good way). His mom was telling me how he was saying that the new supplements he is taking are "making him sentimental" (whatever that means). He told me he was feeling "less angry". It's a little early for this stuff to be working, but if it's having any positive affect, that's a good thing. He came over last night to see S, since he didn't see him at his mom's, had dinner with us and then took a nap, again. I think he's very back and forth still. He made some jabbing comments to me but then would be all nice. I'm taking today and the rest of next week off for the holidays to spend with S and the rest of my family that just came into town last night (yay!), so H text this morning to see what we were doing today. I told him we were going Christmas shopping and he said he wanted to come along. Ok then. So we'll see. Having my family here is a great distraction. We're really close, so at this point, I could really care less what H is up to (like last night, H left here around 8pm to go out. Whatever.) S is sick with a cold, so that's not much fun though. Hopefully he'll be feeling better by Christmas! I'm not going to have quite as much access now to the computer since my family is staying in our office here, but I'll definitely come on when I can. This is an important week! Hoping for the best this holiday...for all of us...