Another good day of babysteps. I asked H to call to discuss Sep. papers and although he did not call me back that night - which irks me - I stayed cool and let it go. H called me the next day and we talked successfully - no fights, I did not show any emotion, no begging or crying. It used to be everytime we talked re: separation, I would do the no-no - cry, plead, etc.
so I stayed cool like no biggie. this is big improvement for me. We talked about some other stuff too.
When H came home it was way better than it had been, although it wasn't fabulous or anything. But the abusiveness has mellowed again. He began tossing orders at me when I walked in the door, which I hate, but they weren't as anger filled as usual, so I let them slide. We had an ok dinner - H still is insisting on disciplining S through dinner but he stopped just short of being too harsh, as he often is. It just felt like he was trying to hold back his anger, and that means a lot.
H was still snappy at me a few times- he doesn't realize how he raises his voice and has this whiny, irritated tone. It's really horrible.
Now that he's not actively verbally abusive, and I'm starting to have hope that we are working on things due to the therapy and his more recent openness and attempts to control his temper, I can see the problems that drove me away in the first place coming out. He's still difficult to live with. It's still painful, even when he's at baseline. Like he starts shouting "Get the cat! Get the cat off me!" in this voice that sounds like panic and a demand - so I rush over and grab the cat, then he gets annoyed at me that the cat was clinging to his pants and pulled (a tiny) thread. He shouts at me, "He tore at my only pair of pants! Calm down!" Seriously? Me calm down? He was the one freaking out and shouting orders and I am supposed to calm down?
Well it's uncomfortable (but not torture) and I am now conscious of what I put up with for so many years that led me to start spending every evening and weekend out doing theatre. I just feel like I can never do anything right.
It's still a marked improvement from his months of extremely angry behavior.
I went out to GAL after S went to bed - watched a movie with GF. When I returned it just kills me that he gives me the silent treatment. Not even a hello or good night. Ugh. I keep praying for a better day. However, even before we were separated, he was so cold. Never a hug or kiss hello or good bye. So, is that so far off from how he used to be? Or is it still his way of communicating rejection and anger?
