feel like giving up - talk to me!

[Deep]

Was just reading through the last few pages Luv. Reminded me of some painful times in my M, mostly pre-A. There are always friction and issues in relationships, and limits to everyone's tolerance. When As, MLCs, or suspicions thereof enter the picture, the pain can reach really bad levels.

I grew very resentful of the way W ignored my needs for a period of time. I'm the kind of guy that can take a lot and internalize it, and then lash out when it reaches breaking point. In our M, we went through periods of no sex, 3 of which lasted well over a year. (and let's just say we know the EXACT occasion when our 2 kids got conceived). I felt dirty having to ask my W and being rejected, and subsequently grew cold and even mean at times.

I brushed aside her needs in later years. And one day, I exploded and really took it out on her, how our M was dysfunctional and I could not go on like that. She panicked and begged me never to leave her, how she could not live without me. I was lashing out in frustration, so I told her as much amd backed down real fast. This was about 1+ year before her A.

Much later (in post-A recovery), she told me how that incident made her feel that I could actually leave her. We had both ignored each others' needs but it came as a revelation that what she saw as her sacrifices for the family could mean nothing to me. All these were small but significant contributions to what happened next, although her MLC and self-confessed period of madness (she can't face, much less explain, the person she became during that time) were major causes; plus OM was a very smooth predator. She told me one day she forgot about being a lover as a W, that being the organiser at home and a good mother was where she felt her contributions should end. Such a simple thing really, but it was so basic, so powerful, and it meant alot to me that she could come to this conclusion on her own.

I guess this is my long winded way of saying sure, GAL, hold your boundaries, communicate your needs ... but watch the resentment, and don't confuse actions coming from that with detachment. It's a lose-lose if the illwill continues to pile up for both you and the H.

Cheers.