WAW on suicide watch, what now???

[chatterbug]

That is not an R. That is talking about the consequences of her Adultery and how it is affecting D13. The consequences of Adultery is not R talk. She needs to know what her selfish actions are doing to the people who love her.

This is her burden to deal with. Do not enable her adultery by hiding it from her or being wishy-washy on it.

She has to own up to her actions.

[MHL]

cutterbug,
Trust me I hear what your saying and I would love to tell her exactly what her actions have caused and how selfish she is, in fact I did that on Nov. 15th and we did not speak again for 3 weeks, granted she was caught redhanded in the sack with OM when OM's W walked in on them on Nov. 19th. (see beginning of thread) I pretty much ended that 5 week fling, OM and his W are working on their M of 21 years, I talk to Om's W occassionally. I have tried the NC and it is hard to do with the kid exchange thing and telling her how bad she has messed up always ends in her hanging up or walking away.
I don't want to foster my D13's hate for my W b/c in think it will just backfire. Additionally there are some positve things going on, they are small but none the less positive. I wrote down one of my small goals was that she would talk to me again over the phone. Another was that she would talk to me in person which she has. Another would be that she would meet me somewhere to talk about whatever, supposed to happen on Saturday morning.
The thought of her with another man better yet multiple OM kills me but I feel like I need to kill her with kindness and outshine the OM whoever he may be. I feel I need to try to become the person she fell in love to begin with 18 years ago. I am not kissing her a$$ even though it feels like it sometimes. I am trying to demonstrate that I am as attractive, funny, caring, sensitive, attentive, sexy, confident, strong as any other man she could or would ever meet. I thought that you had to try to re-establish friendship first. I know it is referred to as cake eating but is it really? If I have really detatched then I am just another guy out there with potential to establish a R with my W. I don't know but I know that I can't go dark or do the NC thing effectively with kids, it is just to much exposure. I guess I am hoping that if she starts to become attracted to me again and starts wanting me bad enough then I can start to impose the transparency thing and talk about the pain she has caused.

[MHL]

I had my first DB coaching session yesterday and my coached agreed that I need to be my W's friend and try to rebuild the trust in the friendship. I don't know if my wife is seeing other men right now or has plans to in the future but I am going to "act as if" our M is going to continue and things are going to improve and we are going to reconcile. I know that is contrary to what most of people on this board have advised but it sure did work today!!
I was supposed to meet my wife for coffee today to discuss the sitch with my D13 and my W. We were supposed to meet for just an hour or so, it turned into breakfast, lunch and a full day of shopping for the kids for Christmas. I made sure I did not bring up the R at all today and was upbeat all day. We were together for 8 straight hours. Had some "drinks" at lunch and finished our neccessary shopping and then started having fun shopping for ourselves. It was like old times!!! There were sometimes where I struggled to keep the conversation going b/c I tried to keep it 100% focused on her and her world. I never realized how much I talked about me and my wants and needs and not shut up and listen to her and the things she wants and needs and her feelings. As we arrived back at the house so she could pick up S9 and take him back to her place to spend the night she mentioned something about her lawyer and I declined to talk about it and she said okay. I wanted so bad to hug her at the end of the day but it did not happen which is okay, I will mark it down as small goal.
A lot of positives today and I realize that there will be a backlash and I am prepared for it so I can do a 180 on her. I know Sandi has said "It is not about doing what feels right but about doing what works". Time will tell if this works, but I have sucked up my pride and was able to spend a lot of time with her and that "felt right". I will probably stay on this thread through the holidays but hopefully I will move to a different area soon. Merry Christmas to everyone I hope God's love will shine down upon each and everyone of you reading this.

[ClingingToHope]

Sounds like a good day, but don't get over excited yet. If the affair ended just a few weeks ago there's going to be some withdrawel symptoms -- or at least that's what I've read from some other posts.

You are a brave man. I don't know if I could handle eight hours together with my W. Would cause too much pain.

[wifeleft2009]

well, I just saw this post and I have to say your WAW is VERY similar to mine... yes be very prepared for the worst... we were getting along very well like you just did but the problem was I was the OM in her eyes...

I hope you can see this.. its not that your a bad guy or did anything wrong. its her way of justifying what she has done... you didn't love her enough ect what ever makes her feel You screwed up she had to do what she did

"The good out weights the bad" thats what is in her confused little head.

my WAW had issues where she had to contact me everyday and heck even now she found a way to get my number AGAIN!!! and now she is "dating " OM and is "so in love" (figure that out)

so like im saying she might not be with OM right now but if she is like my WAW she will be with in the year.

So my best and I mean best advice is GAL dont pretend.. find what makes you happy, dont let those thoughts get to you too much.. I had them and still do.. the OM can bring you to your knees but keep at it you will get past this. you will be a better person.
(I know this is a broken record but really... she needs to chase you... you need to worry about your hobby, kids and job befor her.. she is the bottom of your list of to do! and she needs to see this, not in a hey look im ignoring you!... )

the thing overlooked here is many times the WAS wont truily miss you for years yes YEARS idk if its the fact most LBS take that long to truily GAL or if its a combo of there failed attemps and a happier place and your GAL but it seems common place


your kids will and most likely already do respect you and not her... mine have little respect for W and although they love and miss her they dont trust her (once your kids loose your trust you are in a bad spot)


hope what I wrote helps but I can say for sure she has to be an after thought for you to get past her or to get her back...

[MHL]

You are a brave man. I don't know if I could handle eight hours together with my W. Would cause too much pain.

CTH, you were right, Saturday was like overdosing on a drug even though I was working the whole time. Watching what I said, focusing on her, no R talk. At times it was hard, at one point my W asked if I had heard the latest joke about Tiger Woods!!! I was astounded that my cheating W would bring this topic up, I bit down hard on my tongue and responded as if everything was normal. Yesterday, Sunday morning started out okay and I had a very PMA, but later on the withdraw symptons hit me hard. I was trying to get things done around the house and I found myself curled in a ball crying multiple times through out the day, but I overcame and got it out of my system and felt better after. Today, still some lingering symptons but I have too much to do for Christmas to have time for that crap.

so like im saying she might not be with OM right now but if she is like my WAW she will be with in the year.

So my best and I mean best advice is GAL dont pretend.. find what makes you happy, dont let those thoughts get to you too much.. I had them and still do.. the OM can bring you to your knees but keep at it you will get past this. you will be a better person.
(I know this is a broken record but really... she needs to chase you... you need to worry about your hobby, kids and job befor her.. she is the bottom of your list of to do! and she needs to see this, not in a hey look im ignoring you!... )

WL2009, I am pretty sure OM #2 is out of the picture for now. I especially around the holidays. He is separated from his W but they are working on their M of 21 years with 2 kids also D18 S20. The W of OM #2 caught my W and OM in the bed together on Nov. 19 (see beginning of this thread). He realized that he still loved his W and that he made a mistake, I talk to his W occassionally, to see how things are going.
I think my W still communicates with OM #1 who lives 2 hours away but he may be in a R of his own right now with some other woman. Don't know, don't care. I am GALing and "acting as if" on advice from my DB coach, but her advice is different from what I see here on the boards, and granted everyone's sitch is different so I am not implying that any one course of action is right or wrong.

I think my W is planning on going to spend New Year's Eve with OM #1, or at least she is planning on seeing him. She told me on Saturday that she is thinking about going to Greensboro to see a friend whose mother died in October to spend New Years Eve with her and a couple of other friends. I don't beleive her but I did a 180 and said that sounds great! I did say in a joking manner that if she needed a date that I was available, no response from her.

My DB coach said that I am competing with any other potential men and I agree, I don't think my W is currently dating anyone nor is she out on the singles scene bars, clubs, etc. I am rediscovering the man I was so many years ago when we met, fun, generous, kind, caring, sexy, funny. I am going back and reading letters my W wrote me 18 years ago describing what she loved about me. I read "The Five Love Languages" last week, what an eye openner!!! I am finally speaking her language, "words of affirmation" and "recieving gifts". On Saturday, I used a lot of words of affirmation and I immediately saw the positive reaction in her. I am being very careful to not come across as clingy and desparate but instead just being the old me that she fell in love with when we met and that is making me feel better and I am finding myself again. The holidays are an opportunity for her to see the positive, permanent changes in me.

I am trying to have as normal of a Christmas for the kids as possible while my W is there at the house, which is difficult b/c D13 hates Mom for what she did and the lies she told. I hate to mend my W's fences but as long as my D13 hates her, my W will not miss the family. I am "acting as if" we are going to work things out and reconcile and get back together, even put my wedding band back on based on advise from DB coach. It feels right having it back on, it is making a statement that says "I am standing guard on our marriage even if you want out".

I know this is contrary to advice on the board to not give her access to me until she admits the wrongs of her adultery but the success stories I have read say that the past is the past and you have to suck up your pride and move forward. I think my W wants to be pursued and my DB coach agrees, I just don't need to actually pursue her, ask her out or ask her to do things together until we have firmly established the "friendship" again. Christmas provides a unique opportunity for us to be together without me having to ask her to be together. I plan to make the most of our time together over Christmas Eve and Christmas. I have revised my small goals again and I hope to see more positive baby steps, I hope I will be starting a new thread in the not to distant future. Merry Christmas.

[MHL]

Just a quick update on the sitch with my W. My MIL and her H are intown staying with me and the kids and last night we all went out to eat, that is me, my W, S9, D13, MIL and her H. I couldn't believe my D13 agreed to it, she is starting to let down her wall of anger towards my W. I had the opportunity to be alone with my W in the car for a couple of minutes after dinner and she wasn't as excited about the interaction at dinner. She was upset that D13 did not talk to her at dinner, I was tempted to criticize my W for not acting like an adult and try to iniate some conversation, but I held my tongue and just said this was a good step in the right direction and to give it time.

[MHL]

Accidently hit submit to soon. I would say overall the dinner was a little uneasy but okay. I would say my W was not as relaxed as I would have liked her to be but the fact that my D13 agreed to be there with her at the same table was big accomplishment of the night. My SIL is still coming to visit my W on Christmas Eve, so unless that changes, my W will not come over on Christmas Eve b/c she knows how I feel about SIL and also D13 is not happy with SIL either. I wish all the extended family would leave us alone this Christmas so we can start to heal as a family. Even S9 wants it to be just the "family" on Christmas. Probably W will be there for a couple of hours on Christmas day and will return to her "rented" room to spend the rest of the day with her sister. I know she is going to want to take S9 back with her when she leaves. I will have to suck it up on this one and say okay which would be a 180 for me. I am just concerned what to do if my S9 does not want to go, which I am sure he will not b/c he will want to play with all the new toys and play with friends etc. He will have had his "fill" of Mommmy and will want to stay at home. Of course I would like it if my W would come over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, my DB coach even suggested that if the opportunity presented itself on Christmas Eve that I ML with my W no strings attached. I don't think that would happen anyway but it was an ego boost for someone else think that it might be a possibility.
All the contact with my W is difficult on both of us but I feel like as long as I am not pursuing her and being positive and happy when I am around her she will be more and more comfortable around me. After Christmas though I will need to let her initiate the next time we are together, I already know that will be a big test for me, I imagine it might be weeks before she would ask me to do something with her.

[Day by Day]

Good job missherlove. Sounds like things are progressing in your favor!!

[MHL]

I try to look at the positive things, the baby steps. There is plenty of negative things, but most of that is what I dream up in my head. I still have a tough time almost everyday but I am better when I am with my kids. It is actually more difficult right now b/c there has been alot of contact with her. I definitely need to do more GAL, it is hard right now around the holidays. I have been following your sitch and will post over there.