Here's what I am trying when H calls tonight... I will try asking H when was a time when he felt MOST LOVED by me....and then, once he tells me, I'll really know what I do that makes him feel loved. That way I can try to build up his love bank based upon that knowledge. If I build up his love bank, then mine is surely going to get some deposits, too! I'm banking on it! LOL
I am dbing...in piecing and keeping love alive now. Am also a recovering alcoholic.
Have taken 12 steps of AA and am using them with DB.
1. Admitted we were powerless over spouse, that our lives had become unmanageable. I cannot change him. I can only change me.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I was insane. Kept trying the same behaviors over and over and getting the same results ...but expecting different results. Believing in God of my understanding has been key for me. It may just be the BB and Db for you!
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I did this with ease as I knew it was time for me. You may not believe in "God" but you can believe in the power of dbing and the folks at bb. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I listed situations where I had been resentful or angry and tried to see my part in them without focusing on spouse. Was I being egotistical? Attention seeking? Selfish? Self-centered? How had I hurt or otherwise wronged spouse in these situations? (Never mind what had been done to me, unless it was abuse.)
5. Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I did this by validating spouse's anger, admitting where I had been wrong, and apologizing to spouse.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I listed my character defects and mentally prepared to overcome them in my sitch. Jealousy, Suspicion, Anger, etc. all had to go! 7.Humbly asked Him to remove these shortcomings. I asked the God of my understanding to help me overcome these shortcomings of character.
8.Made a list of all all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I listed all the people I had hurt during my sitch and (even possible ow) I became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to them all, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I made apologies using phone, face to face, financial reparations, emails, and letters. Gave letter to possible OW and her husband to my pastor to give to them.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I kept checking my actions and motives and reading what others had to say about my actions and thoughts on bb. If I was wrong, I did something about it right away.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. I started praying much more often and going to church and studying bible.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principals in all our affairs. I keep db'ing, checking on others at bb's, working these steps, and praying and meditating!
I love the way you've applied the principals to DBing. I guess the one that really stands out to me is #4.
Who can save a marraige in trouble without looking at what our part was in the problem.
I'm an ACOA, so I usually have to start a #4 by reminding myself that I'm only responsible for my shortcomings, not the state of the universe! Also have to remember that an inventory is a wish list for self-improvement, not something to beat myself up with.
Thanks for dropping by and for your advice! I liked your 12 steps especially #4.
One thing I didn't do was be unkind to others involved which BTW included OW. I even had a chance to talk to her as she answered my H cell phone. I had to bit my tongue, but I acted like she was just like anyone else. The only thing I did say was that H and I were probably not getting a D. And the reason I said this was she was being catty with me and acted like she was better than me. I was just stating a fact. She liked rubbing it in to me that H and her had animals together at her house. And then she said she heard I was selling the house and moving to town. I told no I wasn't.
OK I've been rambling on your thread!
Anyway, thanks for dropping by. I think you are one smart lady!
