Ok, I see you getting overwhelmed with so many thing to do to stand up to W. I feel you. You and I are so much alike. Baby steps. Pick one or two things to start off with...I would personally start with the joint accounts. If it will save YOU money then you won't have to rob your 401K maybe? Once your first goal is made, work on the second one..then the third.
I do get overwhelmed. But I think what was posted today is not overwhelming so much as do I want to move forward with it.
But yes, one goal at a time would work best. And right now that seems to be finishing off the joint accounts. But what is that going to say to W? Does that say to her go ahead and refile now? That is what I am worried about. I know everyone says don't be worried about that and that it will have no bearing on her decision. But it might if she is on the fence about going through with finishing it off.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
"Nothing has worked to this point as far as bringing us to any kind of thinking about reconciliation."
Gee didn't we just have this conversation like a year ago?
Baby steps. that's your problem. You're still looking for the magic change of heart that your W is going to experience to get to reconciliation. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Be blessed with what you've gotten so far. She's okay to be around you now and not disgusted. She actually talks to you. Her family has thanked you for things. What can't you see as being an improvement. All this can be used towards R, but you just can't see it. No matter how many times everyone here has told you so.
I mean how on earth can you be asking the exact same questions you did a year ago? Have you really not changed at all?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I know what you all are saying. I am afraid to move forward without W in my life. To a good extent that is true. But I also don't want to push this D any further than it already is. I don't want to contribute to it being finalized. If there is even an ounce of hope left, I want to preserve that hope and not finish it off.
I realize I am the only one still in this M. W is gone and has been gone for over a year now. I understand that. I am just not ready to pull the plug and help finish it off.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
But yes, one goal at a time would work best. And right now that seems to be finishing off the joint accounts. But what is that going to say to W? Does that say to her go ahead and refile now? That is what I am worried about. I know everyone says don't be worried about that and that it will have no bearing on her decision. But it might if she is on the fence about going through with finishing it off.
Kevin
I hardly think that her wanting to reconcile is based on financial reasons. Its going to say to W that you are sick of this, life must move on, and time to separate things. IMO, if anything it will possibly make her rethink things way more than just being super passive. But remember, she isn't going to be thrilled and may stomp her feet like a child.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
"Nothing has worked to this point as far as bringing us to any kind of thinking about reconciliation."
Gee didn't we just have this conversation like a year ago?
Baby steps. that's your problem. You're still looking for the magic change of heart that your W is going to experience to get to reconciliation. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Be blessed with what you've gotten so far. She's okay to be around you now and not disgusted. She actually talks to you. Her family has thanked you for things. What can't you see as being an improvement. All this can be used towards R, but you just can't see it. No matter how many times everyone here has told you so.
I mean how on earth can you be asking the exact same questions you did a year ago? Have you really not changed at all?
Stuck,
I do see it. I realize things have gotten better than they have been in a long time. I am grateful for it. It has been pointed out to me and I agree. That is one of the reasons I am hesitant to finish this off.
As far as a change of heart aint gonna happen goes. Can any of us really see the future and say that for sure? I don't think so. Change of hearts to happen. Look at my MIL. I would never have predicted that to occur ever. Somehow it did by my constant actions of being kind to her. It finally had some movement in her heart. And I thought she was more difficult to move than my W. Anything is possible and the impossible does happen. Will it? I don't know. I would have said no way with MIL and I would have been wrong there.
I am trying to keep what little bit of faith I have left alive. Granted I am holding onto it tight because it is all I have left at this point.
You are right in that I shouldn't ask the same questions that I did a year ago. But as circumstances change, the questions come up again in my mind.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I hardly think that her wanting to reconcile is based on financial reasons. Its going to say to W that you are sick of this, life must move on, and time to separate things. IMO, if anything it will possibly make her rethink things way more than just being super passive. But remember, she isn't going to be thrilled and may stomp her feet like a child.
Ya, it may throw things back to an agitated state for her again at least temporarily. Or she may be all for it so as to finish it off completely.
Why am I worried about this. It isn't like anything I do here is going to change her mind. I keep thinking it might though. And I am letting it affect me and how to proceed.
Kevin
Last edited by K4D; 12/16/0909:25 PM.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I mean it seems like you can't even think about whether to change a lightbulb for her without wanting something in return. If you want to change it to be a nice guy, then do it. If you don't want to do it, then don't.
You can't keep expecting to do something to get something in return. Your disappointment comes through every time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I mean it seems like you can't even think about whether to change a lightbulb for her without wanting something in return. If you want to change it to be a nice guy, then do it. If you don't want to do it, then don't.
You can't keep expecting to do something to get something in return. Your disappointment comes through every time.
I wasn't expecting anything with the lightbulbs. I was just going to do it to be nice. Nothing more. She asked for help on it and I agreed. I just haven't remembered to do it since she asked.
Drew is saying don't do it. And I understand why he is saying that. It left me having to rethink about it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
"Perhaps I should just not do it at all. If I do, I guess it is still letting her have her cake and eat it to."
"I wasn't expecting anything with the lightbulbs. I was just going to do it to be nice. Nothing more. She asked for help on it and I agreed. I just haven't remembered to do it since she asked."
Wrong! You were expecting something even if you can't admit it to yourself (see above quote). Just changing a lightbulb for her isn't letting her cake eat. She asked and you said okay. End of story.
IMO I would change the bulb because you said you already said you would. Don't seem like an @$$ and then tell her you changed your mind.
A real man follows through on what he has promised regardless on who it is for.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
As far as a change of heart aint gonna happen goes. Can any of us really see the future and say that for sure? I don't think so. Change of hearts to happen. Look at my MIL. I would never have predicted that to occur ever. Somehow it did by my constant actions of being kind to her. It finally had some movement in her heart.
Verrrrrrry interesting.
Kevin, as a classic "Mr. Nice Guy," you still operate from a basic paradigm "If I am nice enough to people, I can get them to do what I want," regardless of whether or not that is healthy for YOU, or attractive to THEM.
And despite thousands and thousands and thousands of posts, back and forth to you on this forum, I don't see that having changed one iota.
Hint: it needs to. For your own health and happiness.
