I'm curious--has your wife actually had sex therapy for the abuse?
Yes, she has had lenghty individual therapy with a highly qualified psychoanalyst, and also individual and couples sex therapy with me.
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However, you are failing yourself (and your M) if you lump yourself in as a victim of your W's LD and use it as an excuse to avoid open communication, an exploration of whether you require a relationship which is both physical and emotional, etc.
Avoiding open communication wasn't one of my problems. It was insisting on open communication TOO MUCH that was a problem. She felt "unsafe" and "harrassed" by my constant effort to confront the issues head-on. And so I had to back off. Sure, you could say she's got an airtight set of excuses. And I'd agree.
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I heartily second Y at H's recommentdation of Passionate Marriage (which came up a bit earlier in your thread). It's not just about how to increase passion, it also deals with learning not to be "an emotional Siamese twin" in a stuck M.
I purchased the book many years ago, but read only parts of it. If you have any particular chapters in mind, let me know.
