It may be a good idea to sit down with him and explain exactly that: that you need social contact that does not include alcohol, and that you would like him to understand it and help you. You may also ask him what he feels about you socializing and that way you two can work out a pattern of social interaction that fulfills your need for social contact and does not threaten your H's feelings.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Yes, I guess I better really think about his feelings...and follow my own advice...Validate his feelings.
Bit of good news...a gal pal went into labor at my Halloween get together..she has a beautiful baby girl, Alexis!
Life is lovely....God is good. I'm happy today. Why? I choose to be! You can always see the best or the worst in a situation and I'm choosing to see the best. This is an opp for me to tell H that I understand why he might be worried and to reassure him that I am committed to staying sober and just need to have a sober social life....good friends to keep me company when he is away because I miss him soooo much! And it's good that he is a bit worried, that means he loves me! He is just afraid of being hurt again, so I need to reassure him that I am doing what I need to do to stay sober.
good morning Angal - thanks for dropping by my thread - I appreciate your imput and a woman's point of view.
I see you have already gotten some good advice on your sit. I would only add that in addition to showing your H your commentment to staying sober that you let him see your commentment to him. As for me - that faith in my spouse's commentment to me helps me discredit any negitive thoughts about our R. Even though she dropped the bomb, and went through with D and got a final order, and she still will not say ILY, she is starting to do things and say things that convey that feeling and that gives me a lot of confort. Little things, and actions that convey that commentment to your H will give him a lot of confort. MTCW
I guess for me right now, the big thing is focusing on keeping the behaviors I changed...changed. I think db'ing needs to become a way of life in some ways, and I am struggling to adjust. The old me pokes her head out sometimes and wants to yell, or get selfish and demand things from my H that he is not able or ready to give me. I am trying to learn that I don't always need more: more love more attention more time more money and so forth.
I guess I am trying hard now to accept what I have and make the best of it. Making the best of it is the key! I try hard to appreciate the fact that hubby calls and ends call with I love you...even if we don't have much to say to one another in between the hello and the I love you, goodnight, some days. I remember that he may be tired, overworked, or just plain bored being cooped up at the oil refinery. When I get upset that he does not seem interested in some of the things that interest me, I remind myself that for years I purposely turned away from watching football with him, and that sports is one of his big interests. So, I try to remain hopeful that as I participate in his interests more and more, he may begin to participate or exhibit interest in some of mine. I also think that we can try to acquire some mutual interests and share them ....we used to do that. Anyway, enough out of me here. I'm gonna go bounce around the boards and see what's happening with some other folks on the bb.
Just for today....I will work on my attitude and on my perspective on things. I will try to see the good in every situation, rather than the bad.
Yikes...got so caught up on boards that it is three twelve am my time....gotta get to bed. Hope all are well today and have great PMAs.....today's task for me is looking for the good in all situations, as opposed to focusing on the bad....being an optimist, rather than a pessimist. There's good in every situation, I just have to be willing to figure out what lesson I am supposed to be learning....
Quote: Yikes...got so caught up on boards that it is three twelve am my time....gotta get to bed. Hope all are well today and have great PMAs.....today's task for me is looking for the good in all situations, as opposed to focusing on the bad....being an optimist, rather than a pessimist. There's good in every situation, I just have to be willing to figure out what lesson I am supposed to be learning....
Wow, I needed that this morning!!!
Hope you get some rest and thank you for the post to me this morning. It helped.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: K, do you have a history of self sabotage? Am asking, because I sure do. You said something about getting anxious when things start to go well and also something about wanting to push him away or start something. That's why I am asking this.
My old habit of self sabotage..came from low self esteem and insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. I didn't feel I deserved anything good or worthwhile in my life and so messed things up for myself all the time. I did this through my drinking, am recovering alcoholic, and through other behaviors. I have been wrestling with this of late, although sober now, feeling like things aren't good enough, wanting more, wanting to fix the sitch completely...and have all perfect now! So, what to do? Stop, breathe, and relax. Look at all the progress that has been made to date. Focus on good things in R...remember how bad it was...and then realize how much better it has gotten...focus on progress not perfection...
I read this, I can't remember to who, but OMG, I can so relate to this...and I think my H played on this as I would never stand up to him...his anger scared me. He did soo many things said so many things that really made me steam, internally and I just took it, I never got mad back...I was afraid he would leave me or he would hit me and then it WOULD have been over..yes I think if I pushed hard enough my H would take a swing. And, it didn't matter, that I didn't get mad back or that I didn't stand up becuase he left anyway.
Now I'm getting over this fear, trying to be stronger and not sabatoge my happiness. I am worth something, I am worthy of love and happiness.
Thanks Alaskangal for making me see this about me, also
Thanks for stopping in on me! I'm going to get back to my thread later today - just wanted to say that I think you've got a great attitude, that focus you have is going to serve you well. Great job!!
Sometimes it seems like a lot of work to stay so focused, but it feels so good when we see the difference we make. Great job Alaska -
