Once again, you are right.... I knew that I should not have called. I was...
I am going to go read... I will finish the Dr book and rethink my situation....
I've told her that I will not tolerate her having an A. I will not share her with another man, that I will not accept nor live in an open marriage. If this contiues I will be forced to take a harder line and ask you to never come back to our home and proceed with filing for a divorce. (that is my boundary) But I don't think she cares about my boundary yet... that does not even make sense what I just said....
I need to read some more.... I am just so confused.... can't think straight
Umm, that's a decent boundary but frankly I'm a bit confused as an observer what the consequences are that you're setting. Sounds vague, wishy-washy, shades of what Puppy calls "Gee, I really wish you wouldn't" rather than a boundary with clear consequences.
"Forced to take a harder line"? To a WAS, that's like I'm gonna count to 3, now 1 ... 2 ... 2 and a half, 2 and three quarters ...
Maybe you can consider setting a clear timeline and clear actions as consequences.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I know. And I need to... but I think right at this moment she won't care because she is in the FOG.... I think once she starts to come out a bit, it may change... I don't know.
I really do not know what I am doing!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
It's precisely because she is in the fog that you need to man up. Be crystal clear about the boundaries and consequences.
Heck, I made enough similar mistakes not doing that in my own sitch. Be compassionate, be open, be loving, be encouraging. There's many ways you can show that. But do NOT compromise on your self-respect and the boundaries necessary to you and the integrity of the M. Being fearful of her reactions and waffling on doing the necessary will only cause you more pain.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
You might be helpful to another lady here in Newcomers. Hope4Luv has a WAH who has mistreated her badly. I think she need's a male perspective on her stitch.
You asked what I meant by saying the A would probably crash & burn. I think your W turned to OM b/c she felt the excitement of those false in-love feelings (that you have had explained, so I won't repeat) and she feels "high" on that. But, just like her taking too many prescribed meds.....she is trying to cover-up her real pain and find a quick cure. The OM makes her feel better. He is giving her something she needs or she would not pursue the A. These types of R's rarely last b/c it has no solid foundation and is mostly built out of fantasy. Eventually, it will crash & burn......however, it doesn't mean that she will come running back to you when that happens. She could try to find another man to replace the last A. Sexual addition is what she will be vulnerable to now.
I believe a WAW who is in an A has to have something that causes some kind of shock value. They either have to experience what life on their own without the LBH and his support would be, or they have to see that other women are attracted to her H, or she has to realize that he has changed and that she is attracted to those changes. There has to be something that causes her to turn around and "see" him. That is why a lot of MR get stuck in limbo b/c she doesn't really see what she wants in her LBH. She may even stop her A and stay in the M.....but the R is in limbo b/c she is grieving over OM. She has to see that you are the "Prize" and not the consolation.
You don't "wait it out"......you fight for your M but you do it in a way that most LBH's think is opposite from what "should" be done. Your W is not the same anymore and she is not that girl in the 7th grade you fell for. That is sad and you may have to do some grieving over that......but you must stop thinking of her in that sense and believing she is going to snap out of her fog and come back to her old self. Something has to "draw" her back out of that fog and give her the ability to see that man she first fell in love with and wanting to M....in spite of what her family wanted and in spite of what society thought about it. You have overcome obstacles that some of us have never had to think about......and you can handle this also. You have an inner strength that you have to draw from that will get you where you need to be.
While you are going dark, you will be able to read your DR book, the threads here on the board, and be able to get your thoughts straighten out. Get your plan & set your goals and then start to work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Makes a ton on sense. I need to gather my strength. My goal is clear. No plan yet.
What is hard for me is that W is not hiding her A. W shopping in Wal Mart / Kroger and eating out w/ A. Friends and co workers see her and @ work.... everyone is talking. Even without me joining in, which I don't... but my boss pulled me aside today to ask about it because he had heard things from other workers about my situation.
Just seems like it is getting worse all the time, that's all.
Thanks again S2 for being here!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
