After seeing her yesterday, I think she has moved from the single SSG in the barracks to that OM I saw talking with her. He has some rank, and would fit right into what type of lifestyle she wants.
.
On what facts do you base this?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, I have NO facts, he was speaking to her, like I would-telling her something about why his food was taking so long.
I dunno, I am probably reading too much into it, but it just seems to be her motive-sleep with whoever, hoping that he will fill whatever emotional need she is missing-I dunno.
I don't know why else he would be talking with my W, I didn't recognize him. My thoughts are all over the place on this stuff.
I just want her to stop this destructive behavior. I know it isn't up to me, it just makes me sick.
Also, now that I know there have been multiple partners-she has obviously moved on. She doesn't want to be in a stable relationship. I don't think I can forgive this behavior, I really don't.
Last edited by SoldierDad; 12/16/0903:51 PM.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Detach - let go of the outcome = no expectations. You don't control whether you end up D or not. Focus on yourself and your boys. GAL - exercise, look up old friends, go out, renew a hobby, do something for someone else
Get off post, take a day trip.
One fact is she can't talk to you - TRO.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, I am trying to detach. I struggle at times, especially when I find out anything new, or some thing that hurts me. I know I shouldn't let HER behavior hurt ME, but I haven't gotten to that point yet-I am working on it.
It's like I am obsessed with what she is doing/who she is with/where she has been/where she is going--it is very controlling of me, I gotta work on this really hard-again detaching will help.
Coach, how does someone forgive another for what my W has done? I mean-multiple partners, lying, nasty words towards me-how do I forgive that? I feel like she did all of this just to hurt me, to "show" me.
I have SO much work to do for myself and my boys.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
You ave a lot of work to do, and this process takes time. You don't have to forgive her right now or like her or be her friend. Right now, focus on you and your boys. And be patient.
Listen to Puppy and Coach - they are two of the best here.
Pay particular attention to Coach's post about Martin Seligman and the process of disputing your negative thoughts.
Time, compassion, love, wisdom and awareness help with all of this.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have just got to let go of all that I can't control, and move forward. Let her find her own way. Let her discover what is important to her.
It is hard to let go and detach, I know I am going to struggle with this.
Just about all of us do/did. Read the link to the Livestrong.com article about Developing Detachment. Understand detaching is not about becoming emotionless. It's about going to the worst case scenario in your mind, taking it all in, and accepting and realizing you will be ok even in the worst case scenario. Work towards that realization. I don't think it's a light switch that can just be flipped on. That's why the artcile is called "Developing" Detachment.
What will help you right now is to put your focus on you and your sons. THAT's where your energy and effort should be.
She is dark towards me-is this normal too? I really thought she would contact me-trying to explain herself-or go into denial mode.
Besides working on me, and the boys, what other db'ng tactics can I be working on? I want to follow the plan, and get myself straight.
SD - Just caught up on stuff here. You really have to stop having expectations of her. You are living and dying with every action of hers. I know it's hard, but you really need to let go of the rope. Start living for you and the boys. Stop thinking of DBing in an effort to get her back. You're at the point where DBing 101 doesn't really apply anymore. Yes, of course she is going to be mad at you. She is fully detached from you and right now you are the biggest obstacle standing between her and freedom. But that is her problem. Not yours. If she is going to come back or want to come back it's going to happen because she sees what kind of man you are and have always been and what you stand for and realizes that is what she loves. She has to come to that realization herself. You can't force the issue.
Your issue is shielding your boys from the craziness. Those poor kids have been witnessing her behavior. They need a strong parent in their life right now who knows right from wrong to set an example for them. That's you. The good thing is that by living that way, you will be DBing. You need to exhibit Strength and Honor now more than ever. Especially while you are home.
You are still going to grieve your R with your W. That is perfectly normal at this stage. So keep posting here about your emotions. We can all help with that. We've been there. Believe me, I get the whole thing about picturing your W with other men. It's brutal. At the right time you will have to decide what is and isn't a deal breaker for you. And don't ever feel guilty about your feelings. If you want to try and reconcile with your W, that is truly awesome given the circumstances and what you have experienced. No way it's a bad thing. It says a lot about you and the depth of your love for her. But if you want to keep the door open for reconciliation (I really think that's how you have think of it, as the door being ajar)you need to detach and move on so she can see that from you and really feel that she has lost you. In my opinion the worst case scenario for the LBS is where the WAS feels the LBS is still there pining for them.
Please don't get drawn in by any of her actions or get baited by the OM. To me that is how the sitch can boil to the point of no return.
So do your thing. Be Dad. Keep busy. GAL. Believe in yourself. Look good. Look happy. Be happy. As bad as this is, there are still worse sitches in life. You have two great boys and are in good health. You must keep up with it. Worst case scenario is that your M doesn't work out. You know that and you can handle it, if it comes to that. Be strong and be honorable. Detach. Detach with class and integrity. You never know what can happen.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
Last edited by mulesqb; 12/16/0904:57 PM.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
She is doing this stuff because she is hurting/depressed. She is trying anything, moral, immoral, legal, rational, irrational, to make herself feel better. Some of it works temporarily, some of it doesn't. By not REACTING to her, but rather ACTING to deal with the situation, you are screwing up her "plan" and expectations.
3 1/2 yrs after the bomb, I still don't know why. I don't know if XH knows why either. I accepted a long time ago that I will probably never know.
Focus on you. Focus on the kids. That is what matters.
Ride out the waves. You will have the highs and lows, but you will come out all right.
I never got on ADs or anxiety meds. I was able to manage it with vitamins and herbal supplements. Wasn't sleeping well, so bought a herbal remedy called Sound Sleep, main ingredient in Valerian root, helped me get to sleep and stay asleep without the hangover effect of OTC sleeping meds like tylenol/advil PM. Was feeling drained all the time, so started taking adrenal and thyroid supplements (your adrenal glands and thyroid are how your body deals with stress, when the stress is prolonged they get worn out which can lead to severe depression). B-vitamin complex is also a really good one.
Since you don't want to do the meds while deployed, maybe you could pick up some supplements to take back with you. You can find them at any whole foods store, co-op, or online. Gaia herbs and Nature's Way are good brands.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
