Well, W's birthday is today. And this is hard for me to act as if we are already D'd and let EVRYTHING (presents, cake and happy birthdays) be from the kids and not me. I know this is what I have to do and that it is tough love. It just feels strange. I have NEVER forgotten a birthday, anniversary or other special occasion.
I will be in the same position soon as H's bday is in a couple of weeks. Last night, I told H I won't be involved with any celebration plans and he could spend the day with DDs. I will have to take the girls out so they can pick out a small gift for their dad. And its his big 40 and I had wanted to something special for him.
No harm in telling her happy birthday, but that would be the end of it.
Totally understandable about going to the dinner with the kids. It would be a little strange to them if you weren't there.
Trust me, bombing the kids anywhere near the holidays is BAD. Just look at the S date in my signature. My son was 13 and beyond devastated. Good that you are getting this away from this time of year. You wouldn't want them to associate bad feelings with the holiday, they would end up dreading it the rest of their lives.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I did pretty well actually. Really well come to think of it.
I got home a little early, put the presents the kids picked out with me in a birthday gift bag, and let the kids give them to her. She acted excited.
Afterwards, she told me thanks for her gifts. I replied that the kids picked out the gifts, and that I just paid for them.
Since the kids wanted to take her for dinner, we then went to a restaurant W chose. Nice dinner. I can only describe it as pleasant but not fun. Was fine, but I would not want to do it again.
We got home and W baked her birthday cake. I offerred to buy one Tuesday evening, but she said she would just make it. Was better than anything I could have bought. She really is a good baker (and cook for that matter).
I did not strike up a round of "Happy Birthday." I did not give her a card, present or anything else. And, not out of any resentment or anger - just letting her new reality set in for her. True reality would have been me not being there - but the kids don't know about our problems yet, and me not being there would have been the first time that's ever happened.
I stayed calm and assertive the entire evening. Throughout the evening, W initiated conversation with me. I responded politely, but with short answers. Not curt, just shorter than someone who wants to have a conversation.
We both retreated to our separate bedrooms early. I watched a little TV in my room, then went to sleep.
I felt sadness for W that her birthday had to be this way. But, I know I did the right thing.
GIMA, no doubt she felt sad on her birthday. You sound like a class act by not getting the kids involved in it.
Thanks Sol. My #1 goal at this point is protecting them and providing for them as much as possible from now on.
I went through this as a child, and it is tough to accept how dismissive my W is about how they will be fine. I know she's likely trying to reduce her guilt, but it still makes me angry.
Weird. I just got an email from W. She forwarded an ultrasound pic of her brother and his wife's still developing baby. This is HER family, not mine.
Not going down the "Why" road, just marking it down as puzzling.
What's the appropriate response?
No response. You are not going to be big buddies if you D are you?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
