here we go again

[bluerain]

I think that the letter should clearly state what you want from him, and what you plan to do.

Like in the first version- When you communicate angrily and threaten us, I fear for our safety- good, it tells him what he does and how it makes you react.

If you come over uninvited, I will be forced to protect myself- you laid down a boundary here, and explained your consequences- good!

You tell him that you want him to demonstrate his genuine interest, thats good, what do you think about telling him HOW he would do that?

I dont like the ambiguity of the 2nd letter. I think that theres alot to be said for clear, concise, factual information.

[Jstar]

i think about 90 percent sure i am going to send the first one.

telling him how, should i at this point.

[Jstar]

Okay I sent the first one. and now we will just go back to life as normal as it can be. i was a little scared to send it but it took me a few days to get comfortable with returning a msg.

so now we wait and see....

[Jstar]

ok i sent the one bluerain suggested, he responded fairly quickly with:

They are my kids to, thanks for speaking to me and that was it.

I sent in a few texts msgs. so now what?

wait and let him meet what i put out. follow thru with until you show me genuine respect and support i will not speak to him, right!?

[Jstar]

so later today he sends another msg:

when can i see my kid?

to me it doesn't sound like he has any intention of respecting me or the family or providing any support. can you be that freaking dumb to not get it. or am i going to have to spell it out point by point of what re spect is going to look like for me and support????

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar. Now you go dark again. Tell him a few times and days that are good for you, and that you need him to be on time and not flake on them. Then after he answers you, go dark again. And when he comes, look great, smell great, have an excellent attitude.

You demand respect in your boundaries, if he doesnt respect them then enforcing those boundaries will help him develop respect for you. Dont call him names, and be calm and respectful, and document every single exchange the two of you have from here on out.

[Jstar]

and yet he called again. this time the msg was:

I know you and don't get along, i want to see d2 on friday, can we meet up, i 'll give you some money and i want to buy d2 some presents.

i don't think he knows exactly what my msg was saying.

i was thinking here i should be spelling them out clearly to him to try to get him to be succussful?

you say i should not answer his msg? and be dark for a few days?

my niece says he thinks now he can buy off daughter, and that since i have responded to him he thinks he can just walk all over me again.

tell me what should i do. respond with clear things that i put in my msg or just be dark?

[bluerain]

Didnt you send that to him already? If he says friday, say fine- at 2 pm. Be at _________ (wherever you want to meet). And then go dark--- well, that is if even you want him to see her! lol

I think that if you try to make more demands right now, he wont respond well.

But you can use this time to lay out what that message will say.

And, isnt him giving you money and showing an interest in your D one of the things that was in your msg?

[bluerain]

Is there anything about you that could make you a better person, or wife, or mother? Any changes that would be positive for you to make? Trying to be more patient, or easy going for example, Im just trying to think of ways that you could make him more interested in you.

[Jstar]

my reasoning behind not responding feels like playing into his thought of walking all over me. like great one time out of 2 months you want to give me money and set up a real time to see d2, but no schedule of visitation, no schedule of paying support for each month, none of the other respect or support that i thought i mentioned in msg.

my first thought was to respond friday afternoon with we have plans. and leave it at that.

he's the type of guy that will go seeing her this friday and then not for another 2 weeks. i don't think that is god for d2. he also needs to work on building trust. so that's why i feel i should not just hand over the first thing he asks for when he first asks for it, he needs to do some actions first. right?