Thanks again for posting those links to happy again's threads. I started reading the last three but have to actually work now (I know, what a concept!) so will get back to it later. To be able to get any insight into the mind of an MLCer and what was going through their heads is such a gift! I can totally see that in my H's head as well, through his actions and even stuff he says when he is having moments of clarity.
You sound good and the boundary thing really does help. It can be tough and I know I really have to think about certain ones before so I don't reneg later.
It's fascinating to me to re-read happy_agains older threads b/c you can just feel the anger coming off in waves. I keep going back to his threads b/c it helps to to look at things from different angles depending on where I am at the moment.
I noticed that about the anger as well. Someone had told me to check out his threads a long time ago but I was having trouble finding them (I have a hard time figuring out the best way to search through archives and may have had his name a little bit wrong or something).
I do know I don't feel the anger directed at me any more by my H, at least outwardly, and haven't for months. I am extremely grateful for that. Really, it seemed to dissipate a great deal within a few weeks post bomb and was worse the weeks/months leading up to the bomb (and we are now at 9 months post - can't believe it!).
Okay, just venting because I am frustrated and impatient. I am ready for my H to pull his head out of wherever it is and man up and be the role model my son needs and had for most of his life. My S is starting to act up a lot it seems. He is not "bad", but is starting to get into trouble more at school, etc. He got in trouble at home this morning over something with his sister.
I do feel that the past few months of having an "absent" father is taking a toll on him and it is so hard to not say anything. My H is hanging around home today and heard about the trouble between my S and D. I was just upset at that point because I feel like I am doing my very best but I cannot be my S's dad, no matter how hard I try. My H went and talked to him. Then he came to talk to me and wanted to know what was bothering me. I am so tired of biting my tongue. Does he really not know? I did finally say something about how S seems to be more deeply affected by everything than he lets on most of the time. My H acknowledges that may be true and he was going to talk to him about stuff more, etc.
All that is going through my head is that talk is cheap, he needs to see things modeled to him. S is not stupid. I didn't say that, don't worry. He apparently still feels that all that is required of him as a parent is "talking to" his son and taking him to see a movie every few weeks. Yup, that will do it.
I am just venting here. I have to keep myself in check and realize how much better things are now than they were at the beginning of the year, that progress has been made, and that at times he seems like he is "waking up." I just miss the real H and the husband and father he was. SO MUCh better than the "new, improved" version of him. The stress of it and burden of it just sometimes is overwhelming.
Our situations sound so similar. No anger from my wife for a long time and we are friends. I also understand your frustration in the parenting department. I think of it this way, what kind of role model would I expect a 16 year old babysitter to be to my kids? I wouldn't so I don't expect my wife to be one either right now. I do notice her parenting skills cycle as well. There have been times I see the wonderful loving mother she has been and there are times she swears like a sailor around them.
S12 notices how at times she acts like a teenager and has major mood swings. He's also notices positive changes in her in the past few months as to how she acts towards them.
I guess what I'm saying is that it does suck to have to play the role of both parents. Hang in there.
Thanks for checking in and for the reminder about their teenaged selves. That really does help me keep it in perspective. I do so much now seem to see the teenage H at war with the adult one. So much. It is like he wants to engage back into the "real" world sometimes but doesn't want to let go of that teenage "freedom." I guess he just isn't ready to and hasn't finished growing up yet.
It is good to see him acting like an adult and father sometimes. And it does suck to be both parents, but I am eternally grateful I am not the one who "walked out" on my kids and marriage and I don't have to live with that for the rest of my life.
It is interesting how your S12 notices her acting like a teenager. Kids are so much more perceptive than we give them credit for, I think.
So do you have any special plans for Christmas? Will your W be involved at all?
My wife is taking the kids to MIL's on Christmas Eve and is going to drop them off to me that night so I get them for Christmas Day.
I had a hard time with Thanksgiving but I'm actually going to be OK for Christmas. I understand now that me being involved in her family's gatherings was equating to pressure on her, so I can step back and let her have that time.
