Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks guys. It will be fine. Ill have a good time.

Some times I actually feel ready to move on with life. Just get past all of this. I have done stuff to my house that I wouldn't have done with W there, gone out some, and had friends over. Other times the reality of the whole situation just smacks me and I need to take a time out. Part of it is the holiday stuff. Part of it probably that I gave her a hug last night (she looked like she needed it when I picked S up). I didn't feel much about it and have no expectation from it, but I think it's affecting me somehow anyway. Another part that's hitting me is that I am really starting to get how the LBS can get the mindset of a WAS. I know that I shouldnt, but I feel a little guilty since I am not sure that I would want her back anymore.

Ill wallow in self pity for a few minutes, suck it up, and go bask in the glory of food and desserts.

[givingitmyall]

Its healthy to ask if you would want her back. You can stay open to reconciliation while moving on. Just move on.

[soleil]

Part of it is the holiday stuff.

The holidays make it 10x worse.

[Energizer Bunny]

It was an afternoon event. I had fun.

Thanks for checking in guys. It may sound strange, but your comments almost gave me "permission" to enjoy myself if you know what I mean.

[soleil]

Awesome! That is great you went and enjoyed yourself.

[givingitmyall]

It was an afternoon event. I had fun.

Thanks for checking in guys. It may sound strange, but your comments almost gave me "permission" to enjoy myself if you know what I mean.

Good. You deserve it.

Now, how to do that again...

[Butterfly1]

I'm so glad you went and had fun.

When my H first left I had a really hard time socializing - partly because it was sad that I was now solo, and partly just because I was depressed. But I am always glad when I make myself go.

And despite all the pain going on now - heck, because of it - you deserve to go out and have fun. That is the real GAL! For you, not for show in front of W.

[Energizer Bunny]

It's been an interesting few days.

I told S I was going up to our hometown for my family's Christmases gathering this weekend. He expressed interest in going. W planned totake him to her GF's kids' birthday party that day. W gave in and let him come with me.

W called last week to ask to borrow our video camera. (Another event with GF.) Actually she texted me. I didn't respond for 20 minutes or so, so she called me. She was respectful and appreciative, but I hated that she was calling from GF's house and using my stuff for GF's benefit. I guess it's really "our" stuff and not really "mine" anyway.

W sent me a text Fridays that she was going to put both of our names on the from line on the gifts she is getting for S. She mentioned that she wasn't going to be able to afford much. I agreed to do the same (I would have anyway). Funny how she never seemed to value money so much when I was paying for everything.

S and I went back home for the weekend. W stayed at her new place. When I picked him up, I passed a few inexpensive items to her in a bag and told her I wanted to make sure S had lots to open over there on Christmas. It seemed to touch her.

She had mentioned wanting to do Christmas morning together when we talked on the phone Thursdays night. Actually it was more of a "I guess you wouldn't want to do Christmas together since you didn't want to do Thanksgiving together" statement. ...have the balls to ask if you want to ask! I just said he could do the morning with me then I would take him over to her.

It was emotional torture to go back there. It's where W and I are both from, where we met and spent the first few years together. Even worse when I actually found myself looking for her when it came time to say Grace before Christmas dinner at my Dad's house. This was the first one without her.

[givingitmyall]

Hang in there buddy. We will all get through this holiday season. I am going to try to look on the positive side of everything. Try to do the same - I know at times it's hard.

[Energizer Bunny]

I will make it. We will make it. I even had a few minutes here and there that I enjoyed myself this weekend. I took S to some snowmobile races this weekend. S started getting sad that W wasn't there though.

I had been at a loss as to what to do about a Christmas gift for her. I decided that I would put together a little stocking for her to be from S and me. Nothing special, just a few little trinkets.

I wish I knew where this was headed. I am moving on as if we are D'd. W said she doesn't know what she wanted but wasn't planning to file when I told her that she may as well just go do it a couple of weeks back. It seems as if we have just moved onto a different stage of limbo.