Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

Well, guess I got a progress report.

W came in Friday night, I met her at the hotel. She looked tired, said she hadn't slept in a couple days, and didn't want to go out for dinner. She also had a new nerve block shot last week, and it was giving her a terrible headache. I was wondering why she still came.

I went and got pizza and a movie, and we enjoyed watching it. I also had her Christmas present, some product from a cool store she loves called Bath Junkie. They let you customize the colors and scents. She was tired at 8:30, so we made plans for the next day and I went and caught the tail end of a party.

She wanted to meet for lunch Saturday, so I still got to go to a Christmas party and meet her afterwards at our favorite place downtown. She wanted to change the scent on one of her products, so we did that. It was fun.

Back at my place, she told me that she's decided to file for divorce. We're been separated for over two years, and she's not going to move back. I told her I'm sorry she feels that way, and she said "I'm disappointed too", but that it's too hard to continue doing taxes and details this way. "Wouldn't it be nice to just call each other too see how you're doing, not to check on taxes?"

I asked if this was why she hadn't slept in a couple days, and she said yes. She thought this would be easy, just a formality considering how long we've been separated, but now realizes that it won't be. She apologized for being so mean during our marriage. We worked out some details, packed up the last of her things from my place and left, saying she plans to file in Houston this week. She's only talked to FIL about this, doesn't want the rest of the family to know until it's final. Great. Again, my C says that FIL is most of the problem here. She said "I guess we won't talk for a while".

I called my parents and a couple friends, and then W called an hour later to thank me for the Christmas presents. We ended up talking another 2 1/2 hours until she got back to Houston. She mentioned BIL, who is an addiction recovery counselor, and some of the questions he's been asking her. Like, "how did you deal with the death of your Mom?" Answer: she hasn't. That happened early in our M and it was downhill from there. I've never met BIL, but I really like him. She said he's really into Christian videos like my company makes, and wished she'd gotten one for Christmas. I told her I'd mail one Monday, and she said "it's OK if you change your mind."

Sunday was a good day, lots of friends and music. I didn't sleep well either night, couldn't get my mind off things so I read the DB forums instead.

I mailed the DVD Monday, and texted her that it was done. She said "that's nice, thanks". I wanted to puke. I'm tired of "nice". Reading quite a few threads on here, BeTheMan, dday101798, K4D, it seems like "nice" is what got me here.

She's still in so much physical pain with the migraines, and I can tell she doesn't want to do this. But she's doing it. During band practice Monday night, which went very well, I was thinking about all of this and getting more and more ticked.

She always hated my music. I was supposed to be a workaholic businessman like her dad, not working for a start-up and churches like I am now. These issues are why the lay-off back in January was so tough, because I've had to make major career and life choices, just when it felt like W and I were making progress. Going to a career and life coaching group has made me realize how much I hate the corporate world, and enjoy working for a start-up. My boss wasn't hit as badly by the recession, and was able to hire me back. I learned a lot working for a big company for a year and a half. Mostly how NOT to run a web site. And how big, "stable" companies are not stable at all. They can't adjust as quickly when the economy tanks. Yes, the start-up world can be tough on a family, it doesn't have medical benefits or 401K, this was always the tension I lived in.

I decided that this frees me up to really pursue the things I love, and if that means W and I don't work, so be it. I had told her as much on Saturday. I'm going to look into filing Married Separate for 2008 taxes, which are still not done. I paid quite a bit in withholding, she paid none. At the very least if we file joint I'll need her to make up the difference. I also bought some stock from her last year, which is still in her mother's name. She can't figure out how to transfer it, so she gave me the certificate. She'll just have to give me cash.

I was feeling very confident when she called at 12:45. She asked how my day was, I said "great". She said "you always say that". I explained more, about how well the band is going, I like my job and the church stuff. I could give a crap what she thinks about all that. We talked until she fell asleep. And I slept very well too.

I realize I've been stuck, waiting around hoping for good interaction with W, embarrassed that I don't have the kind of life and career she thinks I should have. At this point I'm not contacting her, but letting her contact me. Should I go completely dark? I don't want just crumbs, as Puppy says. I'm better than that.