New to the Divorce Situation

[DDogs]

On a positive note, the Anti/D is on day 4 and counting....

One thing to do that helps is exercise which releases chemicals into the body that give the "happy" feeling.

R2C: I agree,, I began a consistent work out routine since 7/09 and am in the best shape since a very long time. down about 40+ lbs and continuing.. Recent physical came back with lo testosterone levels; and that has shown to be responsible for mood changes/swings among a host of other issues. My Anti D meds and hormone meds are on board about 6 days now and slight changes are noticeable. Won't know the full extent for several more weeks but all current signs are pointing in that direction.

Ex: Tonight, W out at her work xmas party, I'm home enjoying time with my D's and not really thinking about W hardly... no terrible anxieties.. which was not the case last week..

[DDogs]

OK New information :

I just found out that in a few weeks W's parents will becoming in from out of town to be with W. Don't know if I mentioned this before but about 10 days ago, M/FIL asked to call me and find out what was going on.

I was direct and told them that I wanted to work on the M and wanted to reconcil. I also told them that with all of the changes going on (my: AD/hormone meds, W AD/ hormone replacement meds) that there was so much turmoil, I don't believe either of us could make a sound decision. MIL told me about early menopause in their family and M/FIL were very upset W was doing what she was.... they applied Tough love when W was alcoholic as a teen... FIL told me he is cutting of $ support to W.

Advice please, how to handle M/FIL when they come to town? They will be staying with W, but I will be going there to get the kids so contact is highly likely... I will be cordial and civil.

What to do if they ask to speak with me... I know the "no advice from family rule", but I have enjoyed a great relationship with both M/FIL...

My impression from speaking with them is that they are upset and extremely concerned about W actions...

[Greek]

Be polite - that is always in order.

If they want to talk, you surely should listen but as far as opening up, you must remember this: at the end of every day, your W is their daughter. No matter how good your relationship is with them, she is one of them.

Keep in mind that anything you do say will live on in family history with them. Not right but it will.

Greek

[P17]

If they want to talk, you surely should listen but as far as opening up, you must remember this: at the end of every day, your W is their daughter.

Also remember that while they may not agree with your W, they will support her. That's what parents do.

You are an outsider.

[DDogs]

I put in a call to the MC this am and got his Ans service. I am going to tell him that I have reconsidered my decision and that I do not want to try mediation with the W at this point in time. Also, That I feel that I would like some time for my meds(Anti D and Hormone) to start taking effect (W also admits to just begining a new course of hormone replacement therapy, as well)

I honestly don't believe that I am in a proper frame of mind to be making such important long term effect decisions (I would make the same case for W, also).

I am making myself DIM, keeping a positive attitude and trying very hard to act "As if". My mantra lately is "No matter what happens, I will be fine."

I actually think I pissed off the W (based on her verbal responses and body language) by being so nice and positive this past weekend, when I watched the kids while she was at her Xmas party. I think my radar picked up that she seemed agitated that I was pleasant and in a good mood. I only answered basic questions, did not initiate conversation, told her I was glad she had fun, and took my D's out for lunch...

Opinions?

[futureunknown]

Copied over from rob668's thread:

Futureunknown:
I also felt gun shy regarding Anti D meds.. tried several but never felt quite right.. however, recently I spoke with my MD regarding my Depression and past unsuccessful results and MD and I decided to take blood labs. MD discovered that I had low testosterone levels. MD stated that could be a reason for my depression and because my levels were so low, MD stated that it likely didn't happen overnight (probably over many years).

I've been taking a new Med, "Prestiq", a relative of Lexapro (minimal in side effects) in addition to testosterone replacement regimin and have felt a terrific lifting of fog after about only a week. MD says it takes about 4+ weeks to get the full effect but in the time I've taken it, it has showing positive signs. The energy lift has been a gift. I have motivation to do the things that I have sat on the couch and sulked over..

My obsessive thoughts about the W have calmed some and the impending feel of dread and gloom has eased up enough for me to notice it. Heck, as I type right now, I have concern but am not terribly worried about events I have no control over. Am I sad, yes,, but just recently it hasn't been controlling my thoughts.

I realize the seriousness of the reality of my sitch; but it's not being chemically "masked", It is becoming a bit easier to apply the DR techniques.

Thanks DDogs. I probably should have looked into it more, but that's water under the bridge now. I'm not depressed at all now. This whole ordeal has been an enormous challenge for me, and if I've made it through this without getting depressed, I feel confident I don't need any meds. I've been getting emotional support from friends, and getting lots of aerobic exercise, both new for me, and they seem to be regulating my moods very well.

I think my W is back on ADs now. She hasn't held up as well during all this. Her insane A, followed by its inevitable collapse has left her a mess. She was telling me that the doctor has noted her BP has been up for the last year, due to stress. She asked how mine is, and she was surprised when I told her it's extremely low, due to my fitness.

[DDogs]

Sandi, Coach, Greek, PDT, Trent any vets able to chime in..

When we last met with the MC, I regretfully gave in and said I would look into mediation to dissolve the marriage rather than court,divorce etc... After I had left the session, I knew I had made the wrong choice and told the W that I didn't want to go that route while we were still in the process of receiving medical tx for depression, hormone replacement....MC was going to try and find find some closure for us in the next few sessions..

YESTERDAY:
Had MC with W, C began by saying that I spoke with him regarding my change of mind and that I also had mentioned Retrouvaille.. C asked me my thoughts and I began telling him about the new meds (antiD and Testosterone) and the benefits I was beging to see. I was upbeat, relaxed, very positive and spoke for about 10 min of to positive changes that I was starting to feel again.. W was watching me do this and was smiling,,C commented afterwards that this was the first time in session that he saw me happy, and laughing at the the things I was telling them.. W also commented that she noticed the animation and facial expressions that I had while talking..

C asked W where she was and she stated that she still feels the D is the right thing to do, that she feels the M is broken and not fixable. Her "head" tells her that this is the logical thing to do and her "heart" says she was scared, not of the D but, there are going to be severe negative consequences if this goes to D ... W:"I don't know whether I should just have the Lawyer go do it and get it done, or wait a year and still have the same outcome".. Could someone interpret this for me please!
C asked me the same and I told him that I still had hope for the M and wanted to wait until the meds for both of us be onboard for 4-6 weeks before trying to make a decision that would be long term..

MC stated that we can continue next time with any new developments.. (he's also checking into Retrouvaille) I'm wondering if I should steer the sessions towards understanding our communication difficulties? I do know that has been a HUGE problem in the M... Trying to figure out what Comm works for us..

We left and W began talking in the parking lot about the upcoming weekend regarding the kids. Everytime we talk about the kids we can keep on talking. It's good productive conversation... we actually both laughed a bit and joked about the gifts we were getting each of them... I remebered I wanted to be the one to end the talk so I said goodbye, and I will check into a few things and see the kids this Sat. I was about to leave and W leaned in and kissed me goodbye...

So folks,,,I think I getting mixed signals here.. Sandi what is her likely thought process?

Better yet, What would be the best way for me to proceed?

I'm remaining up beat and positive, AS IF, and not letting her see me in any way of defeated manner....

[Coach]

W:"I don't know whether I should just have the Lawyer go do it and get it done, or wait a year and still have the same outcome".. Could someone interpret this for me please!

She doesn't have any hope things will get better. So get D now or what a year, makes no difference except she wasted a year. I heard sonmething very similiar.

Your actions will help her possibly see hope. Lead.

[soleil]

What Coach said.

[Greek]

C asked W where she was and she stated that she still feels the D is the right thing to do, that she feels the M is broken and not fixable. Her "head" tells her that this is the logical thing to do and her "heart" says she was scared, not of the D but, there are going to be severe negative consequences if this goes to D ... W:"I don't know whether I should just have the Lawyer go do it and get it done, or wait a year and still have the same outcome".. Could someone interpret this for me please!

My interpretation is she is not SURE of her decision to divorce you. Coach mentioned in his answer to you that she lacked hope. I agree - but more to the point with y'all - she lacks TRUST - in you - that the R will be different.

We left and W began talking in the parking lot about the upcoming weekend regarding the kids. Everytime we talk about the kids we can keep on talking. It's good productive conversation... we actually both laughed a bit and joked about the gifts we were getting each of them... I remebered I wanted to be the one to end the talk so I said goodbye, and I will check into a few things and see the kids this Sat. I was about to leave and W leaned in and kissed me goodbye...

She is NOT sure of her decision to end this marriage.

So now you have the herculean task of enforcing your boundaries while attracting your wife. Balance. It can be done.

Greek