My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Ironically, when I started to stand up for myself in little bits, the marriage got worse because he couldn't deal with it.

Ditto. Marriage, and any relationship really, is a system; change one thing in a system and it changes everything. That's what's behind the "do a 180" concept--all you can change is yourself, and ultimately if you change yourself you will bring about change in the marriage. Unfortunately, it won't always be a change you'll like.