My hubby had a major blowout this weekend. He suddenly wanted to invite his parents for dinner, which I saw as a positive step since he hasn't wanted much to do with them for the past 2 years. Dinner started out ok, but when we got to 'are you coming to our house for Christmas" it quickly turned ugly. Heaven forbid you try to pin a MLC down! I tried not to get in the middle. They certainly know he has withdrawn from them, but they don't yet know about OW. So any type of 'what have you been up to?" questions get kind of awkward. I have been DB-ing for past 8 months and have seen improvements in him. However when his folks left in a huff its like he regressed months back. He seemed to spend most of the rest of the weekend 'chatting' with the OW on the computer. Any attempts I made to draw him out were like talking to an empty shell, so I left him alone. So one giant leap forward (reaching out towards parents, trying to resolve past issues) although unfortunately it backfired (parents don't want to admit mother previous mental illness while he was growing up caused rift). I'm not sure how to manage the holidays and my dissapointment with him racing back into the tunnel.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Happy Holidays sweetie. Miss you and hope you are well. We can catch up soon but I’m gonna borrow your thread for a minute.
Forever,
You handled the whole situation very well.
He may be trying to resolve the issues, may not. You don’t really know. Part of resolving these things, does not always involve the big “we were wrong, this did happen, and we are sorry” talk. Sometimes, it is simply that the hurt person accept what happened, determine that it doesn’t have to continue affecting them the way it has, forgive, and move on. That is exactly how your H may have to heal from the situation with his parents.
As I am sure you know, this is a very long road. And a very difficult one. My H has always been home and I have watched the baby steps out of the tunnel and the running back in more times than I care to count. That is what they do. So how do you handle the holidays? You do your very best to just enjoy the day for you, think of him with love, and hope that he is happy wherever he is, doing what ever it is that he may be doing. Only he can make his holiday, or any day for that matter, better for himself.
Attempting to draw them out, actually can make them run further away. That is pursuit. Let him flounder. When he is ready, he will talk to you and hopefully, you will be able to listen.
Have a Merry Christmas.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Attempting to draw them out, actually can make them run further away. That is pursuit. Let him flounder. When he is ready, he will talk to you and hopefully, you will be able to listen.
I linked some old archived threads on kjensen's thread (pg 24). I found them helpful with regards to MLC since they were written by the MLCer. The last 3 links were as he helped folks here to understand the other side of things. You might find them intersting and helpful.
Thank you all for your advice, it helps to much to know that I am not alone. At work now so can't look at those threads, but thanks so much for the link. I'll try to see them later this week.
Thank you thank you thank you!
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I am definitely going to go check out those threads Grace mentioned. I saw them on KJ's thread but was unable to check them out then.
Hi,Cat! Good to see you!
Okay, so things here are interesting. I have definitely seen many things lately that are "positives" yet really have been at this long enough to know not to get excited. My H is so much better with the kids now that he has been for most of the past year and for that I am so grateful. There are some positives with me too but definitely not the way he is connecting with the kids. He is definitely "here" more, both physically and mentally but at the same time seems more withdrawn, if that makes any sense.
He still seems to be trying to maintain that illusion of "control" in his life (like still not wanting to tell me much) which has so obviously spun out of control. Some of his bad financial decisions over the past year are starting to hit the fan and I am worried because it will directly affect me and the kids but am trying to just trust God to provide me with a new job or whatever when the time comes. He actually seems to be trying to take some responsibility for it now, though, which is a change. We'll see.
Sometimes it seems like he is processing like crazy, but it is up to him to decide what to do about it.
He looks so much more like himself, having gained back a good portion of the weight he lost on his MLC diet about a year ago. (I on the other hand have managed to keep off the 20 pounds I lost on my MLC diet!). He sleeps way more now, but doesn't seem to ever sleep well. He is always tired and doesn't look good.
Things are different now. He is cycling through different things and maybe, just maybe starting to realize stuff. I am different now. I am not offering help/support/whatever for anything, even this financial stuff. I have finally set a boundary and told him it is his responsibility. That is a total 180 for the way I have been pretty much our whole marriage. IF he wants to come to me and ask for help, I will be happy to help him but as long as he chooses to not treat me like a wife I won't offer that support.
Thanks, Cat! I have needed all the encouragement I could get. I do feel so much stronger and so much more able to take on what is thrown at me.
It has taken me awhile to figure out the whole boundary thing and how to go about it especially in regards to my MLCer but he is actually responding it seems.
