I'm curious--has your wife actually had sex therapy for the abuse? In my case I had therapy which worked with self-esteem, body issues, dealing with memories, etc, but sex therapy was never a part of it, so I was never challenged to think about it.
I don't in any way think you've failed to "make your spouse want sex." Your spouse (for obvious reasons) has failed herself there. To get beyond that she would need to stop thinking of herself as a victim; whether or not she can do that is her choice. You cannot MAKE your wife be any particular way: no one can. However, you are failing yourself (and your M) if you lump yourself in as a victim of your W's LD and use it as an excuse to avoid open communication, an exploration of whether you require a relationship which is both physical and emotional, etc.
I heartily second Y at H's recommentdation of Passionate Marriage (which came up a bit earlier in your thread). It's not just about how to increase passion, it also deals with learning not to be "an emotional Siamese twin" in a stuck M.
