Ok, let's see for a brief recap of sitch.. Me-40 H-37 Son-12 married for seven years this December, together for ten years
I am alcoholic. H is not. H tends to be withdrawer. I am pursuer. For almost two years now, I have been asking H to go to church, counciling, something...he has not been interested. He works away from home...is home 2 weeks then gone to a camp on the north slope of Alaska for 2 weeks. When my son and husband were both gone....son is from previous marriage and spends lots of weekends with his dad...I was going out to bars and drinking...spending lots of money...and I mean LOTS of money....have a mood disorder on top of alcoholism and so can be very impulsive, spending money, long distance telephoning, etc.. biggest fear was being alone....beg h for help from time to time, but nothing changes....we fight, make up, fight make up, cycle of me drinking goes on....I keep binging when alone Late July Push comes to shove...h and I have huge fight..things in house damaged, etc...I get ticket and fly to Anchorage...go out partying with cousin and friends.... H goes to bank, takes my name off accounts, closes out my visa check card, cancels checks, and puts stop on checks I am writing while out on binge....(He was primary on accounts so he was able to do all this) Meanwhile, the partying in Anchorage is not helping me to feel better.... Something in me snaps....I fall on my knees in bathroom at cousin's place and beg God to help me quit drinking...
I call H and tell him I am ready to quit drinking for REAL this time....will do it on my own...he doesn't have to help H is unimpressed....says wants D ...does NOT love me ....and goes to stay with his folks shortly after I come home...
August
my S decides to go live with his dad....starts school there.....H is not really talking to me....I move downstairs to guest room....H moves back into house but is distance and still going to see Attorney....asks for disolutionment, but says will file for divorce if necessary....calls real estate lady about selling house... says he is sorry he ever married me....
I am going to AA, have sponsor, and trying to db to the best of my ability....being kind to H, cooking, cleaning, etc...
I start really taking care of me...spending lots of sober time Alone....learning to like self again..... start going to church and writing group......
September Am still giving h his space, have hard time not calling him when he is away at work...but trying to the best of my ability to leave him alone and focus on self..... He comes home for two weeks and is a bit nicer to me....but says he is just trying to be civil and still remain emotionally detached....
October....again, try hard not to call him at work much...he starts calling me more and more...... Comes home....things are good for a few days....then I have hissy fit....tell him I need to know where I stand....and say that I am not afraid to be alone anymore....maybe I am the one who now wants divorce...at least better than way we are living now....later that evening I ask him to "do something different" with me....I suggest I apologize and he apologizes like normal folks do.... It works....
We make up and he finally says I LOVE YOU to me again....the next days are great....
BUT....I know we have a long long road ahead of us.....and I don't want to forget how close we came to the big D..... So, here I am in piecing....
Oh, and we did have sex along the way there...even though I didn't always feel so enthusiastic about it... I think it did keep him emotionally attached....and wanting more So, even when things are bad...sometimes sex is a good thing..after all you ARE married!
It works....
here I am in piecing....
