Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[givingitmyall]

Are you still working on your M?

I am working on ME. And have been since the bomb. The best way for me to answer that is to tell you I am open to working on the M, but realize that it takes 2. Unless and until my W decides to work on the M, I can be the world's best DB'r, and it won't make any difference FOR THE M. Being a good DB'r makes ALL the difference for ME and MY happiness.

So, in the end, working on ME is working on the M. Whether SHE chooses to maintain a R with me is out of my hands. But, as I work on me, I realize I will be fine no matter what happens. This takes time to get here, but you will get there if you want to bad enough. What's your alternative?

I want to understand what she is doing, I want to know why she is doing it.

Understandable, but a waste of your energy. Let go of the WHY. If you knew the WHY, would it make any difference? Honestly? It wouldn't change the WHAT (what she is doing).

I DO deserve better, so then why do I still feel the way I feel about her? Why would I want someone back-that has done all of this to me?

Because you love her and made a committment to her and your family.

Can I really just accept that it was a "fog"?

That's part of your journey and only something you can answer. But, what choice do you have?

Is it possible for her to come back? I know that can't be answered, but is my W's behavior the same as others on here?

Not to be flippant, but your sitch is unique, just like everybody else here. Anything is possible. But, you have to focus on the things you can control. And she is not one of those things.

Become the person only a fool would leave. The rest is up to her. In the end, no matter what, you are better off.

What, if anything, is going to wake her from the "fog"?

Don't know. It may the reality of the consequences from her actions. She may never wake up. Or she may wake up too late. Focus on YOU and what you can control. Then have faith in yourself (God, if you so choose). You are stronger than this current problem. You will prevail and come out of the other side of this a much better person, a much better father, and a he11 of a catch for someone who is deserving of you.

[givingitmyall]

This...

Your pain right now is entirely EMOTIONAL, and perfectly understandable. I found that praying to God to take my pain away just enough -- for THAT DAY -- helped. Every day, I:

- read one Psalm;
- read one Proverbs'
- prayed to God for wisdom, clarity, and discernment in my sitch; that I would "see what I need to see, and hear what I need to hear, and not MORE than I needed to see and hear," to get thru my day, and also that He would put people in my life who would help me -- THAT DAY.

And the rest in it; "Be still, and know that I Am God."

VERY good.

[Coach]

SD, Try to understand which thoughts make you go all "monkey brain." Then dispute those thoughts with the facts you have.

Use this, I am a fan of Seligman:

THE ABCDE TECHNIQUE
Adapted from Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman, Ph.D.
Martin Seligman is a clinical psychologist who studied a phenomenon called "learned helplessness" in order to better understand depression. He writes about how a person's way of explaining things to themselves and by extension their beliefs greatly affect their moods and their ability to function. People who tend towards depression and to feelings of self-diminishment often speak to themselves and explain things to themselves in self-depreciating, harshly critical ways, ways in which they would never talk to someone else. He advocates the following approach in order to adapt a new attitude and become constructive. Many people find this technique most effective when they write their way through the different steps. Reading the example below will help make the steps clearer.

Adversity = Write down what the challenge is. Write down what happened, what you are up against, how you are feeling.

Underlying Belief = Write down your underlying fear is. What are the assumptions which underlie your worry, what are you really afraid of? What is your belief of what will happen if you can't meet the challenge?

Consequences = State the effects on your feelings and behavior of holding these beliefs and fears. What are the consequent feelings and behaviors that result from the underlying beliefs?

Disputation = Dispute the underlying beliefs and self accusations. Pretend you are a lawyer for the defendant (yourself) and eloquently argue the other side, argue in defense of yourself. Argue against the negative underlying beliefs. Find other ways and beliefs by which to evaluate and understand your behavior or the situation. For example, if you are explaining your failure to complete the chapter, by accusing yourself of being lazy, try to explain it differently - "this is the toughest chapter I've had to write." Think of these adversities and challenges as opportunities for learning. Think of various ways you can find out more or approach the problem differently. Keep in mind that there is always a solution (Buddha said to look for the third way). In your mind, search for resources you could use to get more information or perspective, like books or people. Make a plan for how to handle the situation (which could include doing nothing, but not worrying or being self-critical).

Energization = Register how you are feeling now. Do you feel any better? Hopefully, you do. If not, write down what you are thinking now; this is the new adversity to address.

An example:
Adversity = I said that I would turn in my results chapter to my sponsor this week and I haven't. I'm not finished.

Underlying Belief = My sponsor will think I'm not a good student. (My sponsor won't want to work with me anymore. This will take away her respect for me.)

Consequences = Low self esteem, anxiety, pressure

Disputation = Okay, I can't go any faster. I'm confronting problems the best I can. This chapter had certain problems, which I think that I cured but I'm not sure. Anyway, it's going to get done. I've finished 3/4 of it now. My sponsor is very busy. She probably hasn't even noticed that I'm late turning it in. If I want, I can leave her a note about it or I can just turn it in next week. I'll check with my friend, her teaching assistant, to see whether she thinks it's okay just to hand it in next week. Maybe I should hand in what I've done and get her feedback on that part? That's an interesting idea. That way she'll also see the problem I'm having now and if she has any ideas about what to do, she can tell me. I'll ask my friend about that. I'm not a good student? She's seen my other chapters and thought they were okay. Why would she think I'm not good now? She was willing to sponsor me in the first place. The promise to hand in the chapter this week? That was the right thing to do. That's how I keep myself going, with deadlines, concrete goals, and commitments. Also time keeps passing and I want to get this done and gone on with other things. Look, it's not going to be perfect when I hand it in. I've met that underlying belief before, having to have what I write and do be perfect. She'll dump me? Come on, Lois, for handing in the draft of a chapter a few days late or a week late? Does that make sense, given that she's felt okay about my work so far? Ease up. It's okay.

Energization = I feel better.

[TrentC]

I want to understand what she is doing, I want to know why she is doing it.

She may never be able to tell you. If she can, it won't be for a while.

I DO deserve better, so then why do I still feel the way I feel about her? Why would I want someone back-that has done all of this to me?

You do deserve better; that can also mean that you deserve better behavior than your wife is showing, not necessarily that you deserve a better person.

Would you stop loving your son if he was a 14-year-old mouthy punk? Of course not. You can disapprove of a person's actions and still love them.

Can I really just accept that it was a "fog"?

Is it possible for her to come back? I know that can't be answered, but is my W's behavior the same as others on here?

Every situation is different, but I have seen one of the WAWs on here acknowledge the effects of the fog. So it is possible.

[SoldierDad]

I know I deserve so much better. I think that maybe our past problems, and how I dealt with them, kind of made me a doormat. It's almost like I feel like I DESERVE this treatment.

Like, I am disguisted by what she is doing, but I still feel so much love for her-and that makes me feel guilty, or stupid because if someone did this to one of my kids, I would feel completely different.

I dunno, I WANT to really detach, and just let go, and I ahve to figure out a way to do that-in a healthy manner.

She has done SO much to hurt me. I mean, how can I ever forgive that?

The sad thing is, if she called me right now, I would set boundaries, and take her back. And that makes me feel kind of sad, because I DO deserve better.

Trent, I agree, but adultry is just so much to deal with and process, and is different from a discipline problem. I cherished my wife-love her so much. It just hurts really deep. I have never felt this type of pain, and am struggling with it.

[P17]

I dunno, I WANT to really detach, and just let go, and I ahve to figure out a way to do that-in a healthy manner.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[TrentC]

I know I deserve so much better. I think that maybe our past problems, and how I dealt with them, kind of made me a doormat. It's almost like I feel like I DESERVE this treatment.

There is no reason to think of it like that, but it's not unreasonable to look at your relationship and figure out what's not working for YOU and look to change it.

Like, I am disguisted by what she is doing, but I still feel so much love for her-and that makes me feel guilty, or stupid because if someone did this to one of my kids, I would feel completely different.

Of course you would. It's the same reason we can give you advice about your situations and still struggle with our own; we have perspective that you don't.

She has done SO much to hurt me. I mean, how can I ever forgive that?

The Bible says that we should extend forgiveness to others that may have done nothing to deserve it, because we have been forgiven by God even though we have done nothing to deserve forgiveness ourselves. We are all imperfect to different degrees.

The sad thing is, if she called me right now, I would set boundaries, and take her back. And that makes me feel kind of sad, because I DO deserve better.

But you're missing the point -- setting boundaries is HOW you get better behavior. You say "I feel disrespected when you do XXXX", and she has a choice; be respectful and stop doing XXXX, or not. And if not, well, you have your answer.

[SoldierDad]

Ok, been thinking about something.
I have been doing all of the things I should be doing, but all I am seeing is more anger and hatred from her.

I mean, she knows that I know about the OM, was it a good thing to do that? I didn't get the response I thought it would. Well, there was NO response from her. Now, that could be because her L told her to stop communicating with me.

She is dark towards me-is this normal too? I really thought she would contact me-trying to explain herself-or go into denial mode.

Besides working on me, and the boys, what other db'ng tactics can I be working on? I want to follow the plan, and get myself straight.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SD,

Read what you just wrote. YOU ARE STILL THINKING SHE IS GOING TO ACT RATIONALLY right now. "If I do 'x', she'll respond 'y'."

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Yes, sometimes you get a faux remorse, but it's just that -- FAKE. And you may still see it yet, once she sees that bile and distance isn't working.

And yes, her attorney probably told her to just stay away and not communicate right now.

She is seething with ENTITLEMENT right now, and as sick as it is, her basic mindset right now is "YOU SPOILED MY FUN! YOU RUINED MY AFFAIR!" I have read where some spouses have even VOICED that to their betrayed spouse, how sick is that??!

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,
Ya, I see that. It is really sick. I can't imagine what she is going through-and I feel sorry for her. I pray for her constantly.

Why does she feel entitled?

After seeing her yesterday, I think she has moved from the single SSG in the barracks to that OM I saw talking with her. He has some rank, and would fit right into what type of lifestyle she wants.

Puppy, she is just bouncing from man to man, trying to find one that "sticks". Is she doing this to make up for some emotional stuff in her mind? I mean-does she justify this behavior because she NEEDS emotional-really "sexual" support?

She had told her B, when this all started that she didn't want anyone else, and that she didn't even really like sex-what is that? Especially knowing what she is doing right now-acting like a $lut.