Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[givingitmyall]

SD,

I don't know what I want right now-I just know that I hurt because of her destructive behavior. How could I ever take her back after what she has done/is doing? What would that make me?

You don't have to decide this today. In fact, I think it would be better for you NOT to make that decision right now b/c you are, understandably, emotional. It's ok (and VERY normal) to have emotions, but you don't want to ACT on the emotions.

I will be calm, cool, and collected, just like every time I have been around her.

I know you will. I'm just doing my L bit like I would for any of my clients.

My emotions are all over the place. I just can't believe this is really happening. I see her, and I just think "why doesn't she run to me, and love me, and tell me she's sorry?" Why doesn't she do that?

Why doesn't my wife want to be with me?

It's the fog. Normal to ask WHY, but (a) she may never tell you and (b) SHE may not know. Most importantly, it doesn't matter in the end. It's something that will consume your energy if you let it with no payoff in the end.

And the surreal aspect, that's pretty normal as well. I still have this at times. It's ok. And the pain, well, I wish I had the magic answer for you. It just takes time.

Also, how do I just let my wife go from guy to guy, looking to find my "replacement"?

How do I just let go? I'm struggling with this.

YOU can't control HER, what she thinks or does. Let that part go, as hard as it must seem right now.

What helped me was to realize I DESERVED better. And so do you. If you can realize THAT truth, your question will switch from why won't she love me to why would I want her.

Another way to look at it is (if you are religious) to realize it is not God's plan for me to be alone the rest of my life. So, either my W is going to wise up and want to work on the M or there is someone out there who needs me more than my W. Either way, I end up in a better relationship - either my W and I make our M what it should have been or I "Do the work" on me and end up in a better R than I ever thought possible. No downside, man.

I am very emotional today, and am just struggling with all of this damaging info, I have come across the last 2 days.

And this is why you should not make any major decisions right now. 48 hour Rule - If it's a good decision, it still will be in 48 hourse. Let the emotions subside a bit and think it through.

We are all pulling for you.

[Super Girl]

Hang in there, SD. You can't worry about her right now. Everyone here gets how you feel. I have days when I wish my H would drop off the planet, and then I see him and I feel differently.

You're going to be okay. One day you'll find good in what is happening to you. We all will.

When you get back home permanently, all us Texans will get together for BBQ.

[SoldierDad]

gima,
Are you still working on your M?

I want to understand what she is doing, I want to know why she is doing it.

I DO deserve better, so then why do I still feel the way I feel about her? Why would I want someone back-that has done all of this to me?
Can I really just accept that it was a "fog"?

Is it possible for her to come back? I know that can't be answered, but is my W's behavior the same as others on here?

What, if anything, is going to wake her from the "fog"?

sad girl, sounds great-I'm in. But Texas is a big state-gotta find a neutral site!!!

[Super Girl]

Another way to look at it is (if you are religious) to realize it is not God's plan for me to be alone the rest of my life. So, either my W is going to wise up and want to work on the M or there is someone out there who needs me more than my W. Either way, I end up in a better relationship - either my W and I make our M what it should have been or I "Do the work" on me and end up in a better R than I ever thought possible. No downside, man.

How appropriate I should read this today. The mother of one of my daughter's friends asked about my sitch. She asked if H was cheating, and I told her it didn't appear so. Her response...then you better beg him to come back because you'll never remarry with all those kids.

So there you have it folks. I'll just become a crazy cat lady.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What do you do? Nothing . . . FOR NOW. To everything there is a season. There will be plenty of time for more OFFENSE, but now is not that time.

Your priority upon landing was to protect yourself legally -- DONE.

And to spend time with your boys -- DOING.

And you've also exposed to your CofC -- DONE.

Your pain right now is entirely EMOTIONAL, and perfectly understandable. I found that praying to God to take my pain away just enough -- for THAT DAY -- helped. Every day, I:

- read one Psalm;
- read one Proverbs'
- prayed to God for wisdom, clarity, and discernment in my sitch; that I would "see what I need to see, and hear what I need to hear, and not MORE than I needed to see and hear," to get thru my day, and also that He would put people in my life who would help me -- THAT DAY.

And the rest in it; "Be still, and know that I Am God."

I know, it's damned hard. Dr. Willard Harley gives talks on adultery, and says it is worse than rape -- because rape is usually by a stranger, and this is done to you by someone you know and love, and supposedly foresaked all others for. He even had a woman come up to him after one of his talks to tell him that SHE had been raped once, and that he was right in his characterization of the pain. If you've never had the one you love do this to you, you simply cannot understand the depth of it, I'm convinced.

Puppy

[P17]

I want to understand what she is doing, I want to know why she is doing it.

SD as GIMA said, you may never know the answer to this. She may not know the answer to this. It's the FOG. It's the PEA's. It's the alien she's been replaced with.

It's hard to accept but there may not be an answer. Just accept it is what it is.

I DO deserve better, so then why do I still feel the way I feel about her?

Withdrawal. You are withdrawing from your R just as an addict does. It's all normal. You also cannot switch your feeling off after you have been with somebody for so long. You are not in the FOG, she is.

You're a human being.

Why would I want someone back-that has done all of this to me?

That is a question you need to put to sleep for another day when you are in the right frame of mind to answer it. One day you will be able to answer this question and you will then know how far you've come.

Can I really just accept that it was a "fog"?

That again is your choice. I would say you NEED to accept it for your health.

Is it possible for her to come back? I know that can't be answered, but is my W's behavior the same as others on here?

Yep. It's script. You're early days in this. She may come back. The question is, if she does, will you want her back.

Many LBS's after working on themselves end up being WAS's as they suddenly realise they want a better life and that is not with WAS.

What, if anything, is going to wake her from the "fog"?

She will wake up herself. You GALing, doing 180's and working on your self will help.

[Deep]

SD. It's tough. And you're going to have days like these for a while.

GIMA put across some pointers, and while I may not agree 100% with the reasoning, they are valid.

You don't let your W go from guy to guy. That's her choice, her actions. Yes, it's not something she should be doing. She should be loving and respecting you. She's not right now, and although it sucks, you'll have to deal with it. Trying to own her decisions is adding to your pain.

We may know that what she is doing is not "right", but it is up to her to one day conclude that her actions are not right FOR HER. She's focused on her perceived needs right now, you can think of her as a hurt animal at times, looking for anything to ease the pain.

You obviously still love her deeply - that's nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for no matter how this turns out; and your kids obviously love you. I'll like to add this bit of Eastern wisdom into the mix of Christian quotes you find often here:

"To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. "

Lao Tzu

Strength and courage. Many here are praying for you.

[P17]

So there you have it folks. I'll just become a crazy cat lady.

MEOW!

[OnceBurdened]

SD,

First off i've got a nice grill/smoker on a trailer we can have that BBQ ANYWHERE!

gima's advice is right on. I thought I had turned a corner and than WHAM. I allowed my thought process to change from " No matter what I'll be fine" and W has exploited it again.

Whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen one way or the other -" do the work" is right.

Feel The pain, embrace the joy, fight thru the losses and embrace the success'.

Don't get foggy. I did and lost momentum.

Focus, strength, fortitude - Good people do overcome, and your good people in my book brother.

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,
Thank you. I can see the rape analogy, it makes sense. I feel like a victim sometimes and struggle with it.

P17,
great advice. I guess the big question will come when/if she comes out of the "fog".

Will I want her back? Will I take her back?

Will all of this legal stuff do anything towards the "fog"?

I know I am asking questions, that can't really be answered right now. I guess I want results-NOW.

I have to trust that everything I am doing will benefit me in the long run. I hurt for my W. I ache to tell her that it's ok, to come back to me.

I know I can't do it, but I long to help her-she doesn't want my help-she HATES me right now.

Deep,
I do love her VERY much-even after all of the absolutely disgusting things she has done/is doing. I feel horrible that I can't get angry or just say screw her, let her do whatever she wants to do. I WANT to do that, but I just can't yet...