A cheated cheater

[SDFoundGirl]

I can’t run away because the torture is all in my head…well, almost all.

Truer words have not been spoken. We do it to ourselves.

Have you ever heard of a woman named Byron Katie? Based on your beliefs description, she'd be someone I'd recommend highly. She created this self-inquiry process called "The Work" which helps deal with our thoughts, our self-torture.

It was INVALUABLE to me when I was dealing with my H's EA. It helped me get clear about what I could and could not control, and it helped me detach. I learned how to stand in my own power without trying to change others.

The process can be found here:
http://www.thework.com/thework.asp

I also highly recommend her books. Mostly they're scripts of dialogues she's had with other people, leading them through The Work. I found it helpful to read how it applied in all sorts of situations.

SD

[undefeated]

I'm on mood stabilizers for the bipolar disorder. And it's funny you should mention the anti-anxiety meds. My older wiser friend suggested I ask for some just for the worst times (like when I have to be exposed to the in-laws for several days!). I have a therapy appt. on Friday morning and I'm going to ask her then. My in-laws will be here Friday night, so wish me luck!

Btw, I forgot to tell about my strong moment during all the weird craziness yesterday. I didn't light up! I wanted to so badly. I was even justifying it while chatting with my friend on the phone. I was under so much stress, I could quit again when things weren't as nerve-wracking, the nicotine was better than be volatile and shouting at people. Heck, my dad even said he thought maybe I needed a cigarette...and he doesn't smoke! But thankfully the mood stabilizers allow me to focus and be more logical, even under pressure. I knew that if I used extreme stress to justify smoking now, then I would always have an excuse to go back. Anytime things got nasty I'd be able to light up. So I didn't buy them, didn't smoke them.

[undefeated]

Thanks, SD. I am going to check out that link.

I feel like most of the time I do well detaching. I actually started doing it before I even knew what it was, before I read DB. I didn't know how much it would make my H wonder what's going on, but t just seemed...better somehow. But I struggle at night especially. I hate adding any more pills to my life, but I'm considering asking for some sleeping pills too. I'm not precisely at my best when I never sleep.

[bluerain]

Yay for you! Nice realization about the excuses for your smoking!

Have you tried melatonin for your sleeping? Its a hormone that your pituitary makes when it gets dark, and it sort of gets your body ready to sleep, and its available as a supplement. It helps lot of people sleep. Theres also a vitamin B-12 supplement that I know more than one person uses for anxiety. Its the kind that is drops that go under your tongue. Whatever works for you, whether thats Ambien or Valerian Root is not important if it helps you.

[undefeated]

So, a lot of us have failures and fears to share. And that's perfect because that's how we get help here. But today I get to share a triumph!

I had to call my H today because of a problem with our S. The conversation went like this:

Hi, H, I need to talk to you about S4. I am worried because he has started stealing things around the house and hiding them in his room. Ornaments from the tree, a bottle of bleach (which terrified the crap out of me!), scissors, a box of pushpins. I don't know why he's doing this and he won't stop. I know how you feel about therapists, but I think I need professional help to evaluate the source of this dangerous behavior.

H agreed, said that it was disturbing and incomprehensible.

I said I was afraid that this will escalate over time if I don't get him help.

H agreed to me taking S to my therapist (who also luckily specializes in children).

I said thank you for your input. I have to go now. Goodbye.

I was so proud of myself for not giving in to the urge to ask how he's doing, what's going on, etc. I am terrified for my S, but proud of myself for a change.

[luvless]

Good Job! patting undefeated on the back

[bluerain]

nicely done undefeated! That was perfect! Have you heard from H again about it?

[undefeated]

So, after my very good day yesterday, today has been a roller coaster from hell.

I had a few more good moments - stood up to my in-laws and wouldn't let them disrespect me or my parenting choices. Called them on some things they knew I wouldn't allow but they did anyway. Kept my cool, was firm, but managed not to be totally witchy.

Took a nap this afternoon. The anti-anxiety meds do help with the over-the-top stress and the sleeplessness, btw. But I woke up depressed - like everything bad in my mind and my sitch had just been waiting for me while I slept.

And then at the kids' bedtime it all went wrong. S4 is totally out of my control. He screams and throws fits, hitting and kicking, refuses to stay in bed, pounds on door and walls. We've tried spanking, then we tried not spanking, I don't reason with small children, we've tried punishing by taking away stuffed animals he likes, we've tried cuddling him and asking what the problem is. Obviously all of this over time, not all at once...

And the more I think back, the more I realize the stealing has been going on for awhile too. At least a year! I'm taking him to my therapist ASAP, but I mean...he's 4!!!!

And I am sick to death of being the only parent in this. My H has been gone for about half S4's life and pretty much all of S2's and S1's. I did not sign up for this! I know that the military drags him away, and I have lived with that...mostly without complaining. That I get. But I feel like I'd trade him places in an instant! I'll go play in a war zone if I can just go away for awhile! Why does he get to go off and worry about no one except himself? When he's deployed, at school, and even now in AZ waiting for a house - he can do what he wants when he wants! I feel like I can't escape!

There was nothing right about my A; I know that. But I never dumped my S (we only had the oldest at the time) on my H while I ran off to play house with another man. My S was with me at all times. How dare he do this?!!

Btw, blue, no my H hasn't called or contacted me at all. I'm sticking with the DBing, but I often feel so hopeless, like this is exactly what he wants. How nice it must be for him to not have to think about me or be bothered by me and the kids.

[bluerain]

Sorry today was a rough day undefeated. But you know what, yesterday was good, today was lame, tomorrow is another chance to have a good day. I think that its important that you remember that when you go dark, not only is he not being bothered by you, but since you are dark, you are not having the constant disrespect of the A and the WAH shoved in your face.
And there is something pretty significant to be said about that.

I dont know how you were while you were involved in your A, but these people can be extraordinarily cruel, so theres at least some silver lining to the no contact.

Can you let your parents take a over a little to ease your burden, even if its just temporarily?

I was wrestling with my hose today which was stretched out across the garage floor to dry out and it was really stiff and hard because its so dang cold and I had a very similar thought. I am so tired of being the only one- its so much harder when you are the only one to take care of everything! And that was just me freaking out over a garden hose! I have to admire you quite a bit for doing it with 3 little boys!

But remember, we all have bad days, and thats all this was, a bad day.

[undefeated]

Sorry today was a rough day undefeated. But you know what, yesterday was good, today was lame, tomorrow is another chance to have a good day. I think that its important that you remember that when you go dark, not only is he not being bothered by you, but since you are dark, you are not having the constant disrespect of the A and the WAH shoved in your face.
And there is something pretty significant to be said about that.

That's true, but it doesn't get them off my mind.

I dont know how you were while you were involved in your A, but these people can be extraordinarily cruel, so theres at least some silver lining to the no contact.

I was a lousy person, following the "script" to a "T". I hope that gives everyone here with a WAS some hope. I came to my senses and so others can too.

Can you let your parents take a over a little to ease your burden, even if its just temporarily?

Don't I wish. They are too hard on the boys for me to let them babysit for any length of time. My parents are wonderful people, and they do help when they can. But they over-value quiet and calm. The kids can't be kids. They can't run or be loud, and it's really hard to get them outside since it's been so bitterly cold here.

I was wrestling with my hose today which was stretched out across the garage floor to dry out and it was really stiff and hard because its so dang cold and I had a very similar thought. I am so tired of being the only one- its so much harder when you are the only one to take care of everything! And that was just me freaking out over a garden hose! I have to admire you quite a bit for doing it with 3 little boys!

Evil hose! I hope you gave it what-for.

But remember, we all have bad days, and that's all this was, a bad day.

You're absolutely right, of course. I got an appt with my therapist for Wednesday morning for S4, an especially nice favor as she usually doesn't work Wednesdays. I'm so very worried about him. He's only 4! Maybe I'm overreacting, but I guess I want to make sure this doesn't escalate. I went to jail for stealing. What if I could have gotten help when I was a kid? Does anybody think I'm nuts for taking a four-year-old to therapy?

I'm going to do my best to smile today and keep busy. And hey, the in-laws left, so that's one less thing, right?

Thanks again, blue.

P.S. - Look at me! I figured out the embedded quotes! LOL