h is in mlc, now threatening divorce...

[lost1234]

Gnosis,

real quick update...have given h small tasks...all to do with the girls...picking up from school and the such so that I am able to spend time at the hospital

he has done a GREAT job...more than i ever expected him to do, without a complaint or an arguement...

in a way it is like he has been forced to step up with all that has been happening with my father, i am so proud that he has...so thankful too! yes, i let him know...lol

im not so sure as to why but i have not had such an empty feeling the past 2 days...good or bad???

im still doing nc, as much as possible. i have been hitting the 180's out of the park since he has been around a bit more...

maybe he is seeing that his family truly needs him...idk

time is on my side...ill keep plowing away!

[Gnosis]

Lost, I'm still here. I'm sorry, my mind has been jumping all over the show. I haven't been able to offer "in depth" advice to almost anyone -- just tactical advice.

I'm glad to read that he is stepping up to his duties. That is a GOOD sign.

I'm not so sure as to why but i have not had such an empty feeling the past 2 days...good or bad???

This is good. His willingness to help out during this tough time is reassuring.

Right now you have a valid excuse (your Dad) Keep the small favors up afterwards. It is key that you balance this out so he doesn't get the impression that he is being used.

Your 180's are for you. I'm not sure about the NC. This depends on how long you have been doing that. Avoid ALL relationship talk. If he initiates it, your response is, "I'm not in the mood to talk about US. Let's have that talk some other time." You drop the subject. The more you drop it or avoid it, my guess it that the more he's going to pursue it. This is long-term. He might wait a week to two weeks before he raises it again.

Your task at the moment is to help him feel useful, appreciated and respected. NOT LOVED. While at the same time hiding all negative triggers in your own behavior. This is why you GAL and do 180's... for you. To make yourself happy and to shine. Men are like magpies...they're attracted to shiny objects.

[Gnosis]

i just want to back off...if he feels suffocated and trapped, and those are his reasons for wanting d, that would be where to start right?

YEP. That and GAL (not now because of your dad)

because of my dad he has been around a lot, not sure if that is good or bad...i havent had to ask him though. he has just stepped up.

I'm taking this as a very reassuring sign. Do you see the dynamic here? Your H knows he is needed and this is something he CAN do something about. This is why I told you earlier... make him FEEL useful.

Men are fixers. This is what we do. We want to FIX things. That's why I said start with small tasks. Gradually build them up to the point where his self-confidence is where he can feel capable of working on the M.

[lost1234]

Gnosis... HELP! PLEASE!!!!

came home after work d 5y/o and h are here...

ask if dad had called with news of coming home...yes, im gonna pick him up in about an hour...great

gives me time to make dinner and get some housework done that has been neglected...h put a door back up for me...looks good, thanks ( i have asked a few times over the last 3 months)

problem...i ask him if he is gonna hang out with the girls when he and my dad get back...

BLOWS UP...he assumed i meant was he staying here...DID NOT ASK THAT!!!didnt even refer to it...

goes OFF on me he doesnt want to be married.....after the first of the year...

gets a bit worse...

continues to tell me the suffocated, trapped feelings...

is proud of my changes ( so he DOES see some)...however he CAN NOT AND WILL NOT take the chance ...it will all revert back...he needs to be his own person

EVERYTHING he has done over the past 10 years has been to make me happy and he cant do it anymore...

then the mlc line...first time for this one.

that i have no idea i am not a man...
family all depends on him...food,house,money health insurance cars. he went on...

the pressure, the responsibilities...

i made the mistake of asking him not to make such big decisions due to his medical issues...

they have nothing to do with it after all...the low testosterone depression, 15 grand more in debt all text book...


PLEASE PLEASE steer me on what to do...i have that pit in my stomach again.

one thing he said that REALLY bothers me is that i was expecting him to move back home...never said or implied anything...what??

[Gnosis]

First things first...

RELAX !!!!!!!

[Gnosis]

ask if dad had called with news of coming home...yes, im gonna pick him up in about an hour...great

Yes that IS great!!

i have asked a few times over the last 3 months)

That's good news.

problem...i ask him if he is gonna hang out with the girls when he and my dad get back...

I thought we agreed you wouldn't ask him what he is going to be doing...???

BLOWS UP...he assumed i meant was he staying here...DID NOT ASK THAT!!!didnt even refer to it...

He blew up because of your past track record. Nothing you can do about that.

goes OFF on me he doesnt want to be married.....after the first of the year...

Yeah... yeah... yeah... just ignore. Even if he files its going to take some time before the D is final. RELAX. There's still plenty of time. Actually it may be good for him to file. Shocked? Don't be. It will give him a sense of control and allow him to build up some self-esteem.

continues to tell me the suffocated, trapped feelings...

and I hope you validated each and every one of them with, "I hear you." "I understand how you could feel that way..." etc.

is proud of my changes ( so he DOES see some)...however he CAN NOT AND WILL NOT take the chance ...it will all revert back...he needs to be his own person

Blah, blah, blah... The important thing is he SEES your changes. COOL! He doesn't believe them? He, he, he... you keep doing what's working... keep the changes up.

EVERYTHING he has done over the past 10 years has been to make me happy and he cant do it anymore...

I can relate to him. Validate his feelings. Contrary to popular belief... he IS taking this hard. He feels like he's been pushed into a corner.

that i have no idea i am not a man... family all depends on him...food,house,money health insurance cars. he went on... the pressure, the responsibilities...

Here's the brutal truth Lost. You don't. You have NO IDEA how important it is for a man to be able to provide for his family. THIS IS THE SUPREME SOURCE of his frustration.

You should have said and will say when he brings this up again: "You're right. I couldn't possibly understand the entire extent of the pressure you're under. However I'm beginning to. How can I help you relieve some of this stress? What can I do to help you?"

i made the mistake of asking him not to make such big decisions due to his medical issues...

I'm glad you realized your mistake. DON'T DO THIS AGAIN. To him you sound like his mother and treating him like a boy by telling him what to do.

PLEASE PLEASE steer me on what to do...i have that pit in my stomach again.

RELAX.
Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.
Keep doing what you've been doing.
Nothing's changed.

one thing he said that REALLY bothers me is that i was expecting him to move back home...never said or implied anything...what??

Avoid saying ANYTHING like that again.

[lost1234]

Gnosis,

THANK YOU MY DEAR FRIEND! if you were near me i would give you a BEAR hug!!!

this just stinks, it hurts, makes me cry, when i look at my girls i feel it is all my fault that dad isnt here. its awful!
I miss him, i miss my friend, my partner...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggg!!!

Quote:
one thing he said that REALLY bothers me is that i was expecting him to move back home...never said or implied anything...what??

I honestly didnt say or imply a thing...i think he just assumes that is what i may want...he actually told me it makes him go crazy when he is able to see the hope i have...cause its never gonna happen...so hurtful


he called after he had brought my dad home...said he has calmed down...in his own words...

he doesnt mean to be such a dick. this is just where he is and i cant understand that...\


I think that my h may be in a similar place that you were several years ago...maybe he struggles because of the kids and being able to really stay away...idk

i will continue on doing as planned.

its like i just want to smack or shake him to wake up...all i see is him trying his hardest to keep making these points to me. i dont see him doing anything for himself...as far as help goes. is that just his way of coping? ( or maybe not coping??)

[luvless]

Wow Lost you sound just like me except the only difference is my H is still at home. I think we are both dealing with the same stuff.

Stay strong - listen to superG - he's a lifesaver with his long black cape

Luv

[4luv]

Lost,

From reading my thread it might not seem similar, however, the words that your hubby speaks are the EXACT, almost WORD FROM WORD, that my hubby has said to me. we are still in the same house due to the fact that he has no where to go and neither do I (we live a few hundred miles away from friends and family). It is amazing...I can't believe its the EXACT same words (feel trapped, too much pressure). what really stood out is your most recent post when you asked your hubby if he was gonna hang out with your daughters and he blew up thinking you were asking about him coming home. My hubby has recently done the same thing. I don't have any advice as it seems that Gno is giving you great advice but just amazing. just be lucky that you don't have OW involved like I in my stitch.

[4luv]

oh...and I didn't think that my hubby was in a MLC because he is only 33 but maybe there is no age related to MLC