my pattern of ignoring my own needs made me bitter and resentful--especially when the end result was that becoming smaller and less "troublesome" didn't really make him love me. Living for so long with someone so narcissistic, I gradually stopped expecting that he'd care about my well-being. In doing that, I essentially taught him how to treat me. And the less I asked of him, the less he gave.
What great insight! I thnk this is such an important lesson. I heard that phrase in the past, but never got it until about 6 months after the separation. If we expect less, we get less. I sure did. I guess another thing that I learned through the divorce is how to expect more, and while X may not learn to give more, I no longer accept less. I taught him how to walk all over me when we were married, but I don't allow it anymore....and that leaves him a bit angry, but that is his problem!
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The other thing I've learned at new levels is that, yes--I am grieving as much or more for lost dreams and hopes than for reality. It was not a great marriage, there are a lot of painful memories through the years. Idealizing is part of grief, and I think I spent a lot of time idealizing him and the relationship, both before and after he left. And grief over lost dreams is very valid--but it's different.
So very well put! I think a lot of us have fallen into that grief. Looking back realistically my marriage was not good, and I was very unhappy. But I still wish we could have worked to be happy in the marriage, at the very least for the sake of our kids.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
