It as was a nice gesture on your part, but you are not his mother! He's the one that screwed up and he needs to learn to bail himself out. You have to take care of you and your children now and any money that comes in now needs to be applied to your situation. I'm glad he borrowed from his friend.
The ow needs to step up to the plate and take care of her little boy now. Of course, we all know what she's after...good times and spending. I seriously doubt that she would help bail him out of a difficult time, i.e., she's expecting you to do that since you are his wife.
This is the hardest part of the journey...we cannot fix them, we cannot bail them out and above all else, we need to leave the "mothering at the door. They need to find a way to grow up and they cannot do it if we "moms" are there to assist them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Libby, You will learn as you go along. You made a very nice gesture to this man who has left you and your family in the dust; but you see....he was able to take care of himself.
I know it's only natural for you to worry about him. We all have done this and still do, but you must keep in mind, he wasn't worried too much when he was out spending money all over the place. The consequences of his actions are hitting him very hard right now. If you were in that situation, he may not have been as generous as you were trying to be to him today.
You are the adult here...you are the one that is responsible for your home and your children now. Your man/child is running around the world seeking self gratification for happiness that he will never find in materials objects or the ow. Happiness comes from within and he will learn that lesson at some point.
Turn your focus to the holidays and plan to spend them w/your family and friends. Do not worry...God will watch over your runaway child.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She has been texting hand trying to phone her dad which he doesn't respond to. He hads withdrawn a lot very recently. Any way she said she had listened to his answer machine message and it's nice to hear his voice!
This journey is hard on LBS but even harder on our children when they don't understand how their loving, supportive dad's became aliens.
Previously I mentioned that H was broke and had no money for food. Well I just found out he went to Malta with OW at the beginning of the month for his birthday. Obviously not short of cash then!
This has given me renewed energy for further DBing and detachment to distance myself from his antics.
I am not surprised at all by your discovery. Most of us have had discoveries along these lines.
These are the lessons that we need to learn. Lessons that show us what is next in our process. Your desire to “save” or “help” him next time may not be less, but you will rethink before you make the offer. Which is necessary for both of you.
Have a Happy Holiday season with your kids and the rest of your family. ((((hugs))))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
He has just changed all the plans for Christmas Day i.e now not coming as OW has decided to keep him in the flat. She really is ditating to him what he can and can't do. Now he is coming on the 23rd or 24th. Well I have plans for those days i.e fetching D21 from Uni going to the cinema and out for a meal. He assumes we all going to be at home when he arrives.
What should I do as I know the kids want to see him but I have no definite date or time to organise anything around? Grrrrr
Don't sit around waiting for him, or you'll just feel like a doormat. Besides, the OW may never let him come.
I'd let him know that you will be at home on the 23rd for these particular hours, and on the 24th for whatever hours ... and if he can't make it then, well, you've got other commitments. Don't change your plans if he wants to change his--you're the one that's giving stability to your kids and getting a life, after all.
I would be grateful if someone could give me some insight into MLC dad's and their children.
My H as I have said previously is so wrapped up in OW that he changes times to see the children and lies to them about where he is etc.
It is hard watching them as they try to come to terms with what has happened and where they are in the scheme of things.
He was always an excellent father, supporting and loving them unconditionally. They don't recognise him now and gieve for the lost father they new.
When the MLC journey finishes do men reconnect with their children and try and repair some of the damage done or does it depend on how much the children have been traumatised by the whole MLC scebario?
I think it depends partly on the ages of the children. Mine were under 2 & 7 when the MLC began, and about 4 years later he began his reconnection by being able to spend time, play, laugh, and really concentrate on them again. They'd felt miserable and worried when he ignored them, was angry with them, or told them he was too busy to do more with them, so they loved getting their dad back. The older one also worried that we'd be getting a divorce, so he was deeply relieved on that front. I think it would be rather different if they were older, though.
