A cheated cheater

[undefeated]

So, a lot of interesting goings-on today. First I decided to do a bit more information gathering. I intend to confront my H and his OW once I am moved. And I want to do it with the maximum amount of evidence. So I now have some e-mails between them. Interestingly enough he told her early on that he is single. I don’t know if he ever came clean with her about me and the kids, but it’s something to think about. Thankfully I have not found anything explicitly sexual. I’m printing off hard copies and storing them well outside his reach for future use.

So I was in an…agitated frame of mind when my MIL called. I decided I should wait until I calmed down to deal with her. So instead of waiting for me to return her call, she calls my parents’ home phone. Dad told her I was unavailable. Then my H called. I guess his mom wanted to know if he’d relax some of the rules concerning our kids while they (my in-laws) visit this weekend. He called and told me he’d said yes. I wasn’t pleased but I’ll survive. When I called her back to confirm the weekend plans she immediately launched into an account of how he’d agreed.

So now I don’t need to worry about writing an e-mail. I finally said many of the things I’ve been biting back for five years. I told her how my husband and make decisions together, that my marriage is none of her business, that I will raise my children without their interference, and that if she didn’t like it that was too bad. I am the sort of person for whom the rules were everything. I’ve grown up doing everything that is expected of me and not making waves. I’ve been a doormat. But things change.
I called my H back. I shouldn’t have, I know it. I had been doing so well in not contacting him. But I wanted so badly to share my amazing freedom from social niceties. Yep I tripped; you can definitely call me on that. He seemed happy that I stood up to his mom. I also hope he got the hint that I don’t intend to take things lying down anymore. Mistake #2 – I sat there and chatted with him for 45 minutes about this and that. It was pleasant, and I have missed talking to him. I tried not to sound like it, though.

One of the things I picked up in one of his e-mails to the OW is that he wants an independent woman who is not a kitchen nazi. Looking back I can see that I have been and it’s been bad. I didn’t know it was bothering him, but I wish I had. So without giving up what I know, I tried communicating today. I told him I’ve done pretty much all the cooking here at my parents’ (which is true), and asked if maybe he’d be willing to take over some of that duty once we get moved into the new house. I made it sound like he was doing me a favor, and maybe I shouldn’t have. But there it is anyway.

I’ve also been researching laws in the different states – the one he went to school in (where she went to see him), the one she lives in (where he went to see her), the one we are legal residents of, and the one we are moving to. VA has some interesting things on the books. As do the other states, actually. But in VA, for example, prostitution is not defined only as the exchange of money for sex. Exchanging anything of value for sexual favors constitutes prostitution. That means if he so much as bought her lunch and then jumped in bed with her, it might be construed that way. Could I win in court? Eh, most likely not. But it would be worth rattling her cage. It’s unfortunate that GA has recently abolished a law that may have been unique. In that state if a spouse could prove infidelity, the outside guilty party, the OW/OM, could be sued for damages for interfering in the marriage. And heaven help him if he decides to try divorcing me in AZ. They are very pro-family there, and if one party does not want a divorce and there is no history of abuse, there are so many hoops a court can make the unwilling spouse jump through.

And, of course, if my H forces the issue I will go through military channels as well. A no-contact order and the threat of jail time would hopefully be sobering. It would royally tick him off too, but I guess I’ll live with that if it comes to it. I don't want it to, I hope it doesn't. But I suppose contingency plans are useful.

I told all this to one of my older and wiser girlfriends. She’s very supportive of me. But I don’t understand why, when I’m doing things right most of the time, I don’t feel any better. I know - I haven’t been at this long. But as soon as angry and/or determined wears off I am just as sad, hurt, and uncertain as when he told me about the A.

Occasionally when I’m really upset I consider having myself committed as emotionally disturbed, just so I can get away. But I don’t know that he would care…and that hurts too. And I always worry who will take care of the boys, who will take care of the bills, and of course now, who will he be talking to and seeing. I can’t run away because the torture is all in my head…well, almost all.