Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Focus on you and the boys.

Relieve your stress in healthy ways - hang with the kids, work out, watch movies, read books, go for a walk.

Keep your nose clean.

Keep your L involved.

And let her worry about herself. You can't fix it for her. She's going to go thru a lot of emotions. Anger at you for "screwing" things up for her. She'll probably vacillate to guilt and remorse. She might try being nice, she'll also throw more $h!t your way.

Not your problem. You can control you. So work on the things you can control and take care of your boys.

Yeah, this. ^

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

I'm working on all of this.

I don't think my W is going to be nice anytime soon. I just can't see it.

I really thought there would be a different reaction to all of this-my expectations.

I also don't think she is remorseful, or feeling guilty one little bit at this time.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SD, what did you expect her reaction to be?

[SoldierDad]

I thought that she would be remorseful and try to make some sort of contact. My expectations again.

Now that she knows that I know, I thought she would, well, I dunno what I thought.

I guess I just feel bad for her, that I think she is feeling the guilt, and shame of what she has done. But then again, she might not be feeling anything of the sort.

I think I need to stop tthinking about what she is doing/feeling/thinking.

[luvless]

That's right SD - who the hell knows. Remember the infidels BLAME and have a really gross sense of ENTITLEMENT.

Sorry you're going through this. I am too. My H hasn't left but he's about to be a WAH.

hugz

[Deep]

SD, just chiming in to say hi again and to wish you the best.

Yeah, I guess Puppy was asking that question to get you to work out the answer for yourself and that last line you wrote is right.

It's natural to feel at the outset - she can't be doing this, she can't be having an OM, she must know how bad I'll hurt. Followed by expectations of remorse and busting her a$$ after the "Aha, now I caught her" moment. Doesn't quite work that way, and there are many different variants of hell the WAS can put you through from that point. Just remember it's up to you whether it does become hellish instead of "just" difficult.

[SoldierDad]

Thanks luv,
take care of yourself. Stay on these boards, these folks really know what they are doing.

[SoldierDad]

Deep,
ya I guess my expectations are getting to me. I have to learn to not have any of anyone else. My expectations can turn into a controlling mode if I am not careful.

I think I am past the denial, I am at acceptance, and am starting to deal with all of these emotions.
Again, my expectations get in the way of that sometimes-gotta work on that.

I guess I need to prepare for more difficult times to come, and stop trying to read her mind. I pray that she finds inner peace.

[luvless]

Thanks luv,
take care of yourself. Stay on these boards, these folks really know what they are doing.

Yeah they do - trust me I'm on here alot - I need it - keeps me sane.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's really a sort of infidelity ethnocentrism, whereby the betrayed spouse projects their own sense of character and ethics onto the cheating spouse, and then expects them to behave and react a certain way.

Unh-uh. Not gonna happen. As my mentor NOP used to say, "Affairs are bred by entitlement, and fueled by neglect."

Puppy