Pls help--confused and fearful

[Day by Day]

Oh greeeat. I'm not good with conflict. Good thing I just got a refill on the rx of anti-anxiety pills. I haven't been sleeping well.

So, how nasty can it get? I've been searching the forums for others' experiences but haven't lucked out. I know it's unpredicatable, but isn't most of their behavior script? Just like predicting it'll escalate?

[P17]

Oh greeeat. I'm not good with conflict. Good thing I just got a refill on the rx of anti-anxiety pills. I haven't been sleeping well.

Sorry to hear about you not sleeping well. If it helps, it's actually part of our 'script'. It's the withdrawal from the R - it suppresses the appetite, disrupts your sleep etc. It's natural.

So, how nasty can it get?

His goal is to get you to respond. To do that he knows he has to hurt you as bad as he ever could so that you will retaliate.

You know that ONE thing that he knows always get's you angry or upset? That thing that he can say that will push your buttons? He'll be saying it, but he'll be saying it a lot. And he'll be saying it solely to hurt you and upset you. That gives him the power back and makes him feel better.

You have the power just now. Don't lose it. If you respond in a moment of weakness, as PDT says, the clock goes back to 0:00 and he wins, you lose. Don't play the game and he can't win. Period.

I've been searching the forums for others' experiences but haven't lucked out. I know it's unpredicatable, but isn't most of their behavior script? Just like predicting it'll escalate?

Yep. It's script. Although I think knowing what you have said about H, he is a candidate for the script 100%.

My W on the other hand isn't. She hasn't followed the script. However I never expected her too. Your sitch is different.

[newmama]

DBD, this could be completely off, but what if you not only IGNORED WH but made sure to get him a gift for Christmas? I don't know, like "kill him with kindness?" Something along those lines. It would be totally 180. (I totally get why you wouldn't want to do that right now, though.)

Let us know what your lawyer says. Why hasn't HE filed? I think it is OW pressuring him, that's why.

[chatterbug]

DBD. I am so sorry about your bad news. Take Care.

P.S. No gift. Its hard to find coal this time of year.

[newmama]

Charcoal briquettes! I guess I'm trying to just think of something you can do that is 180. Maybe it's not filing for now. The gift is a dumb idea! Typing before thinking...

How are you DBD?

[P17]

P.S. No gift. Its hard to find coal this time of year.

If you can get a hold of my wife, she may offer you a piece of her heart ... sorry, that's solid ice. Not coal.

[sandi2]

I'm thinking of writing that message briefly about not wanting a divorce and waiting for the right moment to send it. Later... he needs to stay in suspense.

Much.....MUCH later?

[Day by Day]

@cutterbug - Thanks. Yeah, no gift for him.

@newmama - Naw, no prob. Read your clarification on your thread. I understood it the same the first time. Just hope that what we are thinking is that OW is pressuring him and he gets fed up with her.

Well, I'm seriously thinking of going in tomorrow to file the financial support paperwork. I'm collecting the emails as evidence that he won't pay. Should I give him a warning? Maybe not. I don't want to begin filing for D, but I think I need to file for support for my protection. He's getting worse. And as *everyone* is telling me, it's going to get much, much worse. I also read about narcissist personality disorder and boy does it describe WAH to a T! Another cold-hearted one.

This is really destroying any good feelings left toward him.

[newmama]

can you file for a legal separation and still get financial protection?...I guess we'll just see what your lawyer says tomorrow.

This is really destroying any good feelings left toward him.

It would be weird if you didn't experience loss of good feelings. You know that no matter what, YOU will be happy in your future life!!! (I know that about me, too.)

[P17]

Well, I'm seriously thinking of going in tomorrow to file the financial support paperwork. I'm collecting the emails as evidence that he won't pay.

Good. Don't think. Just do it. You need to protect yourself first.

Step 1 - protect yourself legally.

Step 2 - work on M.

Should I give him a warning?

No. No warning. Nothing. If you warn him, he'll try to talk you out of it and I think he could, if I'm honest. I think if you're honest too, you'll say he could.

BUT, when you don't warn him prepare for the wrath and it will be a wrath like you haven't seen yet. Tip, ignore it. That is easier said than done but you have done a great job up till now. Don't ruin all the hard work but responding to his childish, petty threats.